BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Adult Step Daugher Moved In

I need some advise. My 24year old step daughter moved in back in May. She was working two part time jobs and going to school then, but couldn't get along with her room mates, and basically chased them off. She could not afford her rent alone, so she waited until the last minute and ended up at my house.

I didn't say a word, when my husband went and packed her apartment and moved her alone (she was stressed and couldn't deal with it & two part time jobs didn't leave much time I guess). I didn't complain when all her stuff got moved into my garage, but I'm complaining now.

She is now only working 20 hours a week (one part time job) 20 miles away - and my husband drives her to work. She doesn't have a car because she totals them (wrecks them). She has totalled two cars in the past 2 years.

Her attitude is really awful, and needless to say she doesn't have any friends, so she's always home - in my livingroom.

I feel like she's taken over my house. My husband gets mad when ever I bring anything to his attention. He doesn't want to deal with her - so, she's become comfortable. No rent - no chores. Just 20 hours a week -and she's shuttled back and forth. Help. I don't see a way out of this.

I really resent this. I was taking care of two kids, a home and working full time at her age.

Unfortunately there isn't really much you can do if you want to stay married. Your only choice is to put up with it, especially if you've already told your husband how you feel and he's still not drawing boundaries with her.

Maybe you can post a "Chore" list for all members of the household, giving each of you, husband, sd, etc... something they are responsible for to take some of the work off you.

She might be depressed and need counseling too. Perhaps giving her a lot of extra confidence in her ability to take care of herself might be of benefit.? You know, just befriend her, do stuff with her so much that she gets tired of it and wants to leave? LOL

My own daughter moved in with me after dropping out of college. I did not allow her to lay around the house all day. I made lists, and rules, just like I would if she was 16...and I did things with her too in order to get her off the couch. It worked, she was gone within a month. It's been over a year and she hasn't come back.

The problem with your situation is that your husband has to be on board.

But you can approach this with him in a way that doesn't make him feel like you are attacking his daughter. Approach this with concern for her well being. She needs to build up confidence.. she should take a driving course, dad should help her get a car if she starts helping around the house and putting aside some money. She will actually feel better about living at home if she's responsible for something such as dinner a few nights a week, and dusting or something.

Do social activities with her, teach her by example how adults behave to others... she obviously did not learn it or has some sort of mental condition. Approach this as forming a plan as a united front, for his daughter's sake rather than as a way to get her out of your hair and he might jump on board.

Wow, I am sorry you are having to deal with this. It must feel like a total invasion and make you feel completely out of control in your own home! I know how hard you must be biting your tongue.

I absolutely agree that adult children who move back home and expect (step)mom & dad to pick up the slack should be grateful, appreciative, respectful, and contribute. Making that happen is obviously more difficult.

Stephanie is totally right -- you and your husband have to be on the same sheet of music for this to work. I know what I'm talking about -- my stepdaughter, just last week, decided it would be easier to stay at home with us while going to community college than leave for the college she was planning to go to. She doesn't have a job, and wants to do a lot of "playing." My husband and I don't always see eye to eye on how to handle it, either. He is glad she is staying home and pretty much wants to roll out the red carpet. I am glad she's staying home, but feel like she needs to earn her own way, still have chores, and respect the house rules. She says, "I'm a grown up and can do what I want!" ahhhhhh!!!

You and your husband have to iron this out -- out of earshot of stepdaughter -- before you present her with conditions. The fact that she is 24 and still having these kinds of social issues does indicate a need for possible counseling, and I like Stephanie's idea of showing her how to be an adult. The drawback of being stepparents is that we often are not the only influence our kids have had in who they become.

If your husband is really resisting holding her accountable in any way, explore why he feels that way. Be non-threatening and non-accusatory. He may feel guilty or feel like somehow this is all his fault because he's not married to her mother. It could be that he didn't get to take care of her enough when she was little and this is fulfilling some need in him.

Make small concessions, but insist on some personal responsibility. Set goals that you and your husband can live with -- something like, she'll keep her job, she'll take a driver's course, she'll see a counselor, and she'll start doing this and this and this around the house. Re-evaluate where things are in a month and decide what else can be improved.

In the mean time, hang in there, and know you have a sympathetic shoulder to cry on!!

Thanks for the advise. Both of you are absolutely right. My husband and I had a big arguement yesterday and I basically let him know how I felt and what I would expect from her if she were my own child. After being defensive at first, my husband finally admitted that he sees the problem and is disappointed that she isn't motivated. He feels guilty and blames himself for not teaching her life skills that he assumed she already had. I admit, I'm a lot more proactive with my kids, but they are younger.

He agreed to work with her and continue to check in on what she is doing in the way of looking for full time work and trying to get out more.

I mentioned that I thought she may be sufferring from depression a long time ago, but he became very defensive. I'll just let this die down for a while and find opportunities to give guidance when I can. I'll have to trust that my husband keeps his end of the bargain for now.

I'm wondering if your SD has the sense of - how you say, "Waiting for the other shoe to drop." Kind of like there's something that has set the stage for her expectations that make her both fearful and depressed. Maybe she doesn't even know what it is.

A lot of young adults that I do get to speak with say their anger sprouts out of feeling no purpose and invisible, like no one sees them as a whole person. Actually, I get that a lot with teens too.

Elleise