BellaOnline Forums Family Child Abuse How does the family deal with this?

I've been distant lately becuase we have learned our 16 yr old son with Asperger' syndrome has been molesting ou 10 yr old daughter. There has not been any penetration (rape) thank God - but it is a nightmare siuation anyway.

Hiw have other parnets dealt with this kind of thing? I want to be there for both of my children. Of course my daughter who is the total victim in this instance - but also my son who suffers from impaired social and emotional abilities because of his Asperger's.

We're talking with psychiatrist all over the place. And we are waiting for DFCS to show up and start their investigation.

But how am i supposed to act everyday? Just "lala- nothing's wrong here", or stay angray and aloof, or break down crying - or my favortie - just no emotions - littoe automaton (that one has been working really well for me - it might soon explode)

Has anybody been through this?

Michelle i'm so sorry you and your family are going through that. Its a problem where the whole family needs help. I hope that the help is there for all of yous. Coming here is a good thing for you
You need to talk. and were here to listen, of course you need to have emotions. much luck to you and your children. and a big hug for you ((((((((Michelle))))))) .

Michelle,

I feel the best you could do is to be open and honest about what is going on and you are, you are here reaching out and that is the best place to start. The best thing is to not make it some big secret and talk to your children about it, seperately and then if its okay maybe even sit all together and talk about what has happened, but again I am not a doc so I really don't know. Find out as much as you can about dealing with a child with this syndrome and how this may affect their ability to handle such situations etc. and react accordingly. I am not against a child seeing their parent crying or sharing true hard emotions, I feel as though it's a real part of any life and they then have the permission to expres themselves and be more open too. Also then talking to your dear daughter about what has happened and get her therapy quickly and talking about it with you and people she trusts, this way she can process this and be brought up in an environment that doesn't shame her for what has happened. Unfortunately this has happened and so now it's all a matter of how you handle it and respond. This is a very diificult situation and I hope that all works out for you and your family. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Remember this, come from love in your actions, come from love. Keep talking about it Michelle your doing good. Hang in there~

My prayers are with you, Michelle.

Sexual abuse in a family is a nightmare for all concerned. Your daughter of course is the prime innocent victim here. The family members are secondary victims, but your(all of you) pain is still hard to take as well.

You can't discount your own emotions and feelings and if your children do see you cry or breakdown, that lets them know Mommy is as human as they are.

I can tell you this Michelle. When I taught, a teenage male student of mine was molesting his sister, also a student of mine.
(He was a junior; she was a freshman).
The parents ignored what he did, and worse, made the girl feel as if it were her fault. They did both their children a huge disservice.

You and your husband are doing the right thing in dealing head-on with this.

dear michelle, first let me say i'm sorry for what your family is going through. i was a victim of sexual abuse by my father. and let me tell you it never goes away. my family was not supportive nor did they believe me for years, until my father finally admitted it. i have 4 children when they were little i wouldnt even bath them. they say once you have been offended you will offend. so i was scared to be alone with them.if you dont talk about it it will affect everything in your life. all of your family needs to talk to someone.my children are grown now and i can happily say the chain has been broken.my children are aware of what happened to me and they have grown up nicely. it is all about support and the openness to talk about it. i wish you well.

Well, we are definitely all talking...

Every one of has our own therapist (or psychiatrist) and then we have family sessions sometimes as well. These are either me and my son with a counselor, or me and my daughter with a counselor. They have advised it is not time for my son and daughter to come together yet. My husband comes to sessions as often as he can.

I am actually a past victim of date rape, and both my children know this. So I've told my daughter that she can talk to me anytime. She's come and laid on my bed with me a few times, and we've just kind of discussed what happened - no big hysterics. She just cuddled up next to me and we talked. She's asked to sleep with me a few nights. She's feeling very insecure right now.

My husband just goes and sleeps on the couch the nights that she want tos sleep with me, no big discussion or arguing, he just quietly moves his pillows and blanket. I don't know how I would be handling all of this without him.

Of course the little brother (5) who doesn't have a clue as to what is going on, is horribly jealous that his sister getw to sleep with me qnd he doesn't...so he's been bringing his sleeping bag into my room and sleeping in the room with us, too! It's like a big campout in my bedroom right now.

My oldest is staying with my parents. We switch off on the weekends and the two youngest go stay with them so he can have time with us.

I feel like I'm running a 3 legged race by myself hopping on one foot, but for now I'm holding it together.

I don't know what the longterm holds. We have lots and lots of counseling ahead of us.

Michelle, I'm so sorry to hear of your situation. It must be terribly difficult for you. After reading your second response, I was so glad to hear that everyone is in therapy. I'm also relieved to hear that your 16-year-old stays with your parents for the time being. This will ensure that your 10-year-old will not be molested any further in your home. You are doing all the right things in handling this. Please remember that it is okay for you to show your emotions as well, at an age appropriate level with your kids. Try to take some time out just for you. Maybe go out with a trusted friend and just talk things through. Please keep us updated.