BellaOnline Forums Family Single Parents Child support

Hey folks, looking for some place to vent and perhaps get some advise. I never wanted child support and in fact, during our marriage, I was the one working and supporting the family. He has since gotten a job and when we settled the divorce was given a child support amount based on his income at the time. The child support was taken directly from his paycheck by the state and then the state mailed me a check every month.

He moved jobs and locations in February and that was the last month I've received a child support check from him. I've called him on it twice now and he says that it's harder where he's moved to (North Carolina) and he's working on it. I also know he's lazy and slow to do things, one of the reason we divorced.

What would you guys do in this situation? Do I need to find a lawyer in the area he lives now or in the area I live now or do I go back to the lawyer that I had my divorce through? I don't need his money, would rather he be gone from our lives forever, but I don't think I can simply say you aren't paying so you can't be part of our lives :P. Or can I?

No, you cannot just say he's not part of your lives. The money is not payment to visit the kids. It is not ransom either. He is your children's father, good, bad or ugly. You chose him to be your child's father. I don't mean to sound nasty about it, I'm honestly not meaning to. Believe me, I know how it feels to have chosen poorly in this regard. But the fact is, he's the daddy. He has rights and child support and visitation aren't on the same page and are completely separate issues.

I'm curious, does he ever see the kids, does he take visitation? If he doesn't, and you aren't preventing it, and he doesn't pay, after a number of years with no contact, you can then have his rights terminated.

Of course that is in the USA I have no idea for sure how Canada is on these issues.

If you don't need the money, and he's not involved, I'd let sleeping dogs lie. Now, if he's generally a good father, inspite of his laziness I would do everything I could to make sure he had a relationship with the kids, and forget about the money too.

I agree-child support has nothing to do with whether the ex wants to see or participate in your children's lives. If he isn't an active participant, he may decide at some point to become a more active participant in their lives and failure to pay won't keep him from them. You may not "need" the money now but he is obligated to pay it. Why should you bear the full load? I think if you decided later down the line that you needed it -it would be harder to get the support or back support. There are national child support enforcement bureaus -run through the US Federal Government. They say they can locate him and make him pay what he can. Just google US National child support enforcement bureaus.
hope that helps

Hi everyone - especially Caroline. I live in Canada and child support laws are a little different but the same. In Canada - if you have a separation agreement -with the support payments laid out - and medical/dental etc. you can take it to a lawyer and they will fight to get the money -if he's not paying. My situation goes like this (and ive been fighting for child support for 10 years).

I was married for 12 years -3 kids. After finding out he'd had an affair - we got divorced (not that simple but the short version). I did our divorce - didn't have the money to spend for a lawyer at the time. We consolidated all debt - paid everything off - made an agreement (which he reneged on constantly in the past 10 years) and moved on. At first he moved in with his girlfriend - he refused to pay support - the order said he had to pay $600/mth based on his income + share of the medical/dental etc. In Canada - through our work we are covered and have great health care. The problem was he was working for himself - and he chose not to cover himself or the kids. Which meant they were covered by me. In Canada - its not alot - plus we have OHIP - which is government based - and covers most everything. I struggled in the first year we were apart - and he refused to give me money. I would pay for a sport (they were in hockey) and he would say he would pay - and months would go by - he sporadically gave me money.

I did take him to court - and he was ordered to pay - but he claimed through his financials that he couldn't afford to pay $600 - you can have all the orders in the world - but if someone is working under the table - what do you do? What i did - i knew what he was doing so i called the Better Business Bureau and alot of agencies including Revenue Canada (a little scary to be called by the government) and they audited him.

Through the years he's supported the boys financially but ive been the main caregiver and financial support. This year our middle son graduated and went to college. In July i paid his college fees - my ex was supposed to give half - i FINALLY got money from him in September - after me hounding him and his girlfriend (new one).He still owes me - and his answer always is - when i get it you'll get - so don't bother me. The kids know now so they tell him -

Last xmas the boys went to visit his family. The boys gave him gift cards for Tim Hortons. His answer was - with all that support i give your mother - i should've gotten a better present! The youngest child was so upset - since he paid for the card himself after shovelling many driveways.....chalk it up to experience - they roll with it. Which isn't a good thing.

When he came home - he made mention of something about support - and how that money is for them - that started another conversation - about what support is for. They get it - but i think their dad sometimes wants to be in control.

To be honest - the money he's given me has gone towards the kids for the most part - but in Canada it specifies that 'support is for the upkeep and care of your children to be used in any ways to support your children - which means paying hydro, gas electricity. My ex says - im not paying your damn bills.....so you see - it never changes. I could get another lawyer and spend thousands of dollars to get the same results - so i choose to keep bugging and i get results. He has NEVER paid anything towards their medical/dental bills. He is a deadbeat - he only comes to things he wants to (which is never) - he missed our youngest sons graduation from gr 8 because he was 'sick'. He's an alcoholic and he was sick.

I just try to make sure the boys know what we can do. If they need something more - they talk to their dad - and at least they're getting something....it's not the best way to go around it....but it seems to work for now.

Hi, Caroline!

No, you cannot say that he cannot see the children based solely on the fact that he is behind on his child support. I understand the desire to want to do so, but it isn't "right" or "legal."

What you can do is contact your divorce lawyer and have him do a little research on how you should go about collecting child support when the ex has moved out of the country.

Here in the U.S., if a noncustodial parent crosses state lines, we have to notify the court in which the child support was ordered AND we have to petition the court in the new jurisdiction to uphold the order. I can only imagine what it would be like in a different country versus a different state!

Whether you "want" the child support or not, you deserve to have the assistance in caring for your children. They are his children, too, and he needs to take responsiblity for them - for their benefit and for his own.

Get in touch with your attorney and let the system work for you!

Cynthia

Them system simply doesnt work.Unless u are willing to put out more than you'll get back , Hurry up and wait , and then probably still not get it in the end.The system sux when t comes to child support.The children are the last thing the system thinks about.sad but true !

Whether the issue is child support or visitation the "system" does indeed suck.I don't care what side you're on, you won't win with the system we have in place.

Our court system is adversarial, and that is no way to try to figure out what is right or wrong for a child.

My advice is always to stay out of the system if you can. If both parents will work together to do what is right for the children that is the best thing that can happen, and you don't need child support guidelines, or visitation instructions when you have two parents who care more about taking care of their kids than they do spending time and money hurting each other.

Like I always say "love your kids more than you hate your ex"

My children were 41,38,and 31, years old before i started receiving child support. I'm 61 yrs old and i am still receiving back child support