BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Newbie

I was looking for information / support for people who are married without children and found this site. What a relief!
My name is Rebecca and I'm 39; married 11 years. We knew from the start that we would likely not have children. This was due to a chronic illness I have, but also to my (and my husband's) ambivalence about having children. I always figured it was something that might happen over the normal course of existence, but it wasn't something that I had to do.

However, after my niece was born four years ago, I really began thinking about having a baby. I was torn between wanting to try and not wanting to try. And I still have mixed feelings about it. So, that's my story in a nutshell. I'm very happy to have found this site for support!

I too have a chronic disease that is genetic. And I have a niece and 2 nephews who have real problems. So that was enough for me not to take that chance! But I stopped wanting children suddenly at age 27 with no real explanation so it was more than just the health risks. Now at 46 things are starting to calm down about the peer pressure but I still have acquaintances who have no other topics of conversation except their children. I just avoid one-on-ones with them and keep them to my friends 'in a group'.
Welcome!

Hi, Rebecca,
My husband and I have finally accepted that we, too, will not have kids together. (He has a daughter from a previous marriage, during which he had a vasectomy.) After we were married for a couple of years, I started wanting to have a child, which I'd never wanted before. Anyway, he had the vasectomy reversal surgery a few years ago, but it was unsuccessful. After looking into ivf, we decided that if "fate" had wanted us to have kids, the reversal would've worked. (IVF would be very expensive, not to mention incredibly emotionally draining!) I think the hardest times are when others in our families or our friends announce that they are pregnant. We're happy for them, but there's also a sadness inside. So, although we have accepted the fact that we won't have kids, it still is tough sometimes. Also, I always recall what one of my friends said about a year after having her daughter: "If you aren't more than 100% positive, absolutely sure that you want a kid, don't do it." I don't think I was ever 100% sure--and it'd be horrible for everyone to find out too late that I'd made the wrong decision.

Thanks Ravyn and SWK for your replies. I'm sorry about your niece and nephew having problems, Ravyn.

I have lupus and had a bad episode invovling my kidneys when I was 21 that required chemo as a treatment. At the time I was told that it was a possibility that I would not have kids as a result of the treatment plus the risks that a pregancy would cause a flareup that would further damage my kidneys. When I learned all this, a future pregnancy was the least of my concerns! Over the years my health improved to the point that I could have tried to get pregnant if I'd wanted, but there are still real risks involved. I could never 100% decide that I wanted to try anyway. I could not imagine getting pregnant, then becoming sick and leaving my husband alone to care for a baby.

But I think that as I near the end of realistic reproductive years there is some mental trauma in finally closing the door on the baby issue. Like SWK mentioned, we left it up to "fate" for a while and nothing happened. In fact, the couple of times that I was late and thought there was a possibility of being pregnant, I felt panic. That's not a feeling someone who really wants a baby should be having! So, I've thought about seeing a counselor to sort through some of my issues, but I think getting some of my feelings out here and hearing from people in similar situations will give me more perspective.

I have SLE, asthma and type-2 Diabetes now as secondary problems to Hereditary Copro-Porphyria (HCP). My husband Lee has asthma and there is depression and bi-polar in his family along with a few other things. Neither one of us has the health, stamina or desire to give what a special needs child would need. Like you, IF I survived the pregnancy I would not be strong enough to take care of the child anyway.
If it could be different--I don't know if I would still not want children. I helped raise my sister, cousins, friends kids, etc. I took special needs teenagers in my early 30's during a remission for a few years as a Therapeutic Foster Mother. But teens are different from babies and children.

Wow, that is alot to deal with. Sometimes you do have to put yourself first no matter what societal expectations are.

Just wanted to say welcome! I noticed you are from Louisiana- I am too. It has been my experience that this is not a very CF friendly state- I think that is why so many of us found this site. I hope you find this forum as comforting as I have. You are not alone

HI Rebecca- Welcome to the site =)