BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids When to announce "I'll never have kids"

I feel so relieved since I've decided to go childfree. When I was still unsure, I was counting my free years (In 10 years I'll have to be a mother... in 8...5....) and panicking about how short life is...

I don't like babies, never been interested in it, I hate to play with children, it's just so boring. They can be cute and charming sometimes, but I prefer them smarter, when they grow up (around 17) and start to have something to say, something smart of funny.

I'm also tired of faking interest in babies.

I don't think I'll change my mind, I'm only 29 but I never wanted kids, I don't like the image of a woman as a mother (it's too much "female" for me), and in movies I always wondered why in love stories the had to marry and have kids. Why the kids?? It's so unromantic, uninteresting and non-glamourous. un-cool and un-sexy.

The urge to tell everybody my new liberating decision is really burning me, I really want to say it, should I? When I was younger, people told me I would change my mind, but I didn't and it's even more sure since a lot of women around me have kids, I so not envy them!! I even feel full of pity. I feel even more pity for their condition when the seem to pity me for having a disconnected life... I would say I like to evoluate, change, improve, learn, discover, instead of getting stuck with bad choices.

Should I tell people? parents? my boyfriend's family when then ask us when are they going to have kids around? NEVER!!!

I'm so happy, I still have a life ahead of me instead of behind, I'm free to change anything anytime, I can change career if I want, I can move, I can live whitout a car, I can live on just little money, I can work on any schedule, I can go on vacation anywhere, I don't have to ask myself endlessly if I'm with Mr. Right, whatever, I enjoy being with him now, we make travel projects and this is great enough!

I'm not afraid anymore of aging, of getting fat and ugly because of pregnancies (why do mother around me never seems to find time to just wash their hair or shop for clothes somewhere else than wallmart???), I'm not afraid of making bad choices for my future because it doesn't really matter! I'm not afraid of dying young or getting sick, leaving needy people behind, I'm afraid of nothing right now!

I'm a college teacher, I prefer taking care of young adults intellect instead of babies diapers :p I also consider becoming an egg donor, why not make people happy instead of making me miserable? I would be a really better "mother" this way, giving babies to women who really want them.

so, did you share your decision with your friends and family? when and how?

(english is my 2nd language, sorry for its low level)

Unless you are going for the whole "I-am-a-rebel-and-want-to-scandalize-you" route, I'd suggest that you slowly drop hints at it. If no one understands what you are implying, and asks about it..Then I guess you should tell them. Be warned that you may recieve some heckling from whoever you tell first. People can be...unusual at times.

Otherwise, get on top of a building and scream until your lungs get sore. B]

I find that it is easier to announce this to friends...with family you will continue to hear that you will change your mind, that you just haven't found the right guy yet, that you are so nuturing (I get But you like cats and there was a time where you said you never wanted cats) so why not.

I wouldnt announce it out of the blue, but I would make it know if the When are you having kids/do you want kids conversation comes up.

Congrats on your decision Budgie! I felt the same way at your age, and gradually announced it to friends and family (by which I mean parents). You will definitely get some challenges, but that's what we're all here for! To offer support. At 34 I still get asked constantly if I want kids, but I think everyone on this forum has a similar story. I think the best thing to do is answer honestly if it comes up in conversation.

Or do what I do when my twentysomething cousins ask me about kids... respond "Ewww!" or "Gross!" THAT, they understand.

lol

Budgie, good for you! Does your boyfriend know and support your decision? That's a big dealbreaker, right there. Of course, that can wait if you're just enjoying together time. When I was about your age, I had a tearful discussion with my mom about how I felt I was dissappointing her by being single and no kids. I told her I wasn't sure I'd ever get married, and I was almost certain I wouldn't have children. She reassured me that no matter what, she'd still love me. That is not a course I'd recommend, especially if you have a traditional family.

In fact, my husband is getting the big snip in 4 days, and I haven't told my family. My reproductive status is really none of their business, especially since they know which way I lean.

Wow, Trish, that's great! I just had the discussion with my parents again yesterday, and although my mom is still out of touch (the But you like cats statement was made yesterday) my dad said he disagreed with her, and that he does not think anyone should try to convince a person that they should want kids.

Budgie, it seems like you really want to come out of the closet with this, so to speak, so that kinda means it's The Time.

Trying it out on your friends first, as Jvo said, is a GREAT idea. Tell us how it goes and we will help. Been there, done that! I am now 40 and people have given up on me at least. Lots of us have been through it.

So we can relate. Tell us how your friends take it before you tell your parents - may as well get our support and advice along the way, to help prep you for 'the big one' of telling mom and dad.

come out of the closet LOL: maybe being CF is a different sexual orientation

I told my mother and aunt(single and CF by choice) already, and it's really fine with them. My grandma doesn't care either (she wasn't happy when my mother got pregnant the 3 times, but it's more because of a problem with her daughter having sex), we're not very "maternal" in my family. My mother had me at 18 and I know she regrets it in some ways (she chose a career she hated because she needed the money, she never travelled, and couldn't read all the books she wanted and have the "alone" time she needed). I know she loves me and my brother (7) and sister (10), but she's happy to see us grow, become smart and independent (and go away). She was a good mother and I do not feel any ressentiment that I wasn't a desired child (I don't care, I'm here, they love me, whatever), but she told me she doesnt believe in maternal instinct and that she finds most babies ugly and most kids unbearable We had a nice conversation about that last week.

My boyfriend is with me in this, and I just learned yesterday that I was wrong about thinking that her mother was pressuring him to have kids. She apparently said not to bring our future kids to her for babysitting, never! FEWWWW!!!! i'm really happy and love my mother-in-law so much more! It's her sister (bf'aunt) who couldnt have kids and could be a little insisting. Why didn't she adopt some if she likes it that much??? they have enough money and there'S plenty of children in need everywhere.

It's more about friendships and colleagues, I don't want to be rejected for that... but in the same time, if the only conversation they could have is about their children, why do I bother...

some people love babies so much it's creepy. I'm not even sure I would let those people babysit my fictionnal kids!

I'm a bit depressed today cause I went to my doctor for contraception, I'M tired of the pill, the chemicals, the condom. When can I get The Operation without being sent to a psychiatric hospital?

I should probably wait a bit, maybe I'll change my mind lolllllll
I'm really afraid at the possibility of waking up a morning with desire of babies. But sometimes people want them even more when then can't have them.

It's great that the people closest to you understand your decision, Budgie. I had it pretty easy on that side as well, both sets of parents and husband are fine with it. But I think you're right in the sense that you do risk losing friends and colleagues if you announce your CF status. For your close friends, it should not be a big issue...if they are your true friends that is! But friends who are child-oriented (even if they don't have kids yet, they enjoy them and want their own someday) often say they understand your choice but never think about your feelings in their everyday conversations. Not just in terms of their choice of subject (ie, talking about kids) but their assumptions, which run pretty deep I find. I had a group of friends who I met at school who were all very child-oriented, and it was two years before they realized I wasn't. It took them that long to realize I wasn't contributing to their conversations about kids. They framed the question as, "You want kids don't you?" I replied, "Even if I didn't, I doubt I could raise the issue in this group." Then they replied, "But you're not anti-kid are you?" I knew my views wouldn't be respected, so I changed the conversation. Needless to say we have drifted apart since then, since I felt that I was really out of place in their conversations and we really didn't get excited about the same things (baby toys vs. political theory...hmm!)

In terms of colleagues you will undoubtedly get some flack depending on your career. I am in academia, where it is almost the norm to be CF. It's also quite normal in my profession to be gay/lesbian, and CF is quite common for them as well. So non-traditional families are seen as completely normal. It's known as one of the tough professions for women with children, because taking time off really impacts your career track. So, often colleagues ask if I plan to have kids, I answer, "No", and they simply nod and move on to the next topic, which is fantastic.

I don't think I ever really announced it to my mom. She is very supportive anyway I think she always knew.

I married dh when I was 20 (I am 24 now) and most couples who marry so young end up having children very quickly. I announced it very soon after marriage that babies were not going to happen. No one really listened but as time passes I think they are finally getting it. My friends are having babies and I have shown very little sign of wanting one (I wont even hold them because I just don't know how to handle babies).

For some reason some people take it personally that you wont want children. They will think its because you hate children and therefore you hate their children. I never understood this logic but it seems lots of parents have it (not all but too many to count for me). Because of this I would not recommend getting into big discussions with those kind of people. It never ends well.