BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids What happened to this place??

I've always been a once every couple of months poster here, and I am aware of everything that has recently gone on/Kim taking a break (and I hope you are doing well Kim!)

But this forum is SO DIFFERENT than it used to be! Where are the outspoken, radical-thinking men and women that use to make me feel so much better about the struggles that I am facing?

It's a passionate, contraversial topic. And yes, a lot of blowing off steam comes with the territory when you are making a decision about your life that might confuse and disappoint friends and family members, that might be dismissed as a 'phase,' or may earn you the label of 'selfish' or 'immature' by people who don't even know you!

I'm sad that the lively conversations have stopped...this used to be a place where I could come and say what was on my mind and get a response from many like-minded people. I miss it.

Jvo, you can still come in here and talk - we just don't allow any parent/child bashing. We don't allow bashing religions on the atheist forum. We don't allow people who like to cook to bash those who don't. Knitters should not attack crocheters. We are a no-bash zone.

BellaOnline is about tolerance and being happy with our choices, as opposed to putting other people's choices down to feel better about our own.

So yes, there is a lot to say about being happy with our lives without having to vent about it. I know I am happy being MNK. I can pick up and travel as I like, I can explore my hobbies like yoga, hiking and painting, I can stay up late and sleep in on weekends...and it's nice to talk to others who also don't feel a need to discuss children!

Yes, the child free lifestyle is great, but it is not without its heartbreaks and frustrations. Otherwise why would we need a place like this?

A 'venting thread'?! Sounds like censorship to me.

I have always thought that people here were pretty respectful...I know that I've disagreed with some of the things that people have said from time to time, and I've either said so or just ignored it. Different strokes for different folks.

Anyway, I appreciate that this is still a place to meet other CF people, but if we are limited/self-limiting ourselves to only discussing the joy that we feel about being CF, then we are only being half-open with each other. And half helpful. When you face constant disapproval or misunderstanding from others or if you are struggling to decide what to do with regard to your life and this topic, you need to be able to explore all of the issues and vent about the things you are feeling...it's tough to go against the grain.

I don't dislike kids but I truly believe I would dislike being a mother...that's why I am CF. Maybe that's offensive or alien to people who are mothers. True, I like the things that I get to do because I don't have kids, but I do have that dislike of the job of motherhood and I want to be able to talk about it. Because the pressure to do it it huge...it's not like simply saying I don't want to be a doctor or Gee I don't want to go to church anymore. It is a universally misunderstood point of view.

I am CF by choice and totally get that.

However, I think there may be a line to walk between getting things off our chests and bashing. Things got too close to the line a few times and started offending even the MNK people. Talking about stupid mothers, rude 'loaves', 'breeders' and such...there is no need to call people stupid, or morons, and that is not what BellaOnline is set up to be about.

It's more to provide a support group for people thinking about or having made this choice, how to adapt to society's biases, how to tell our families, how to let rude strangers' comment not destroy our self-esteem.

Here is a comparison:

"That nasty breeder should be taken out back and shot! I hate these people!"

or,

"I feel angry because some strange mother of seven chocolate-smeared toddlers told me I am not a real woman because I don't have children."

And then we can all help that person feel good about her choices and to share ways to let the anger and judgments roll off our backs, etc. Support. Not bashing.

This has been a fine point to a lot of people, and some chose to find another outlet for freer venting.

All this is in the Terms of Use we all sign to become a forum member. I just seeing it as learning to be more polite in "public."

What you say to another one on one is of course your own business. Just like anywhere in society.