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Should I break off my engagement? #424209 06/06/08 09:36 PM
Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9
SarahElizabeth Offline OP
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Joined: Mar 2008
Posts: 9
i have been dating this wonderfull man for 5 years now. he is perfect for me in most ways, including our values, personalities, interests, etc. we have great talks, enjoy doing things together, and i am very attracted to him. but i am thinking about ending things between us. i used to think that i wanted to marry him, but a couple weeks before he proposed (about two months ago), i suddenly started feeling like long term this wont work out.

i can't say there is anything about him i don't like. but he has already experienced a lot of things because he is about thirteen years older than me. he is the only person i've ever been with. there are lots of things i want to do but i know that he is ready to settle down and i still want to branch out and meet people and try new things. is this a good enough reason to break up with someone? i feel selfish for that being the reason because we are so compatible. but i don't want to make a mistake and then always regret it.

i don't know how i would break it off with him. he would be devastated. i really dont want to hurtt him. but i want to make the right decision. am i just having a case of "the grass is greener"? i haev always been a doubtful person and never thought i would find someone like this, so i wonder if maybe i am just overanalyzing things.

anyone have any thoguhts or similar experiences?

Re: Should I break off my engagement? [Re: SarahElizabeth] #424221 06/06/08 09:56 PM
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 88
babyblueprep Offline
Joined: Dec 2007
Posts: 88
Yes I have had a similar experience. Grass is greener syndrome is very hard to deal with sometimes. But I doubt it will go away for you. And yes, it's an acceptable reason to end things. If you don't think it will work out long term, you're probably right. You need to think through it very well though before making a decision. Don't worry about being selfish- there is nothing worse than feeling trapped. But you could regret it in either case... so really you must weigh the pros and cons (even make a list) and see if you love him enough to try to make it work.

Re: Should I break off my engagement? [Re: SarahElizabeth] #424224 06/06/08 09:57 PM
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 17,644
Phyllis Doyle Burns Offline
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Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 17,644
If you have doubts and do not want to settle down yet before you gain more experience - then you should at least postpone the marriage and be honest with him as to why. If you have to ask, then it seems as if you are not ready for the committment of marriage. My opinion is that it is hard to find a guy you can bond with and have so much in common - so do not lose that chance. No one else can make this decision for you. You should sit down with him and tell him exactly how you feel and take it from there.

Hopefully, he will wait till you are sure in your heart what it is you want. Try to wonder what life without him would be like for you.

Last edited by Phyllis, NatAmEd; 06/06/08 09:58 PM.

Walk in Peace and Harmony.
Phyllis Doyle Burns
Avatar: Fair Helena by Rackham, Public Domain
Re: Should I break off my engagement? [Re: Phyllis Doyle Burns] #425182 06/10/08 05:15 PM
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 75
Karin-Latin Music Editor Offline
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 75
I think you do need to take time to really think this through and determine whether what you are feeling is just a natural case of nerves or something deeper than that. I think if it is a case of nerves, what you are feeling will fade away as you come to terms with the reality of marriage and being with one person for the rest of your life. But if it is a sign that you are not ready or just not ready with him, then I think the feelings will grow stronger with time and you will feel peace that this is the right decision.

You might want to also evaluate other areas of your life and be sure that there isn't something else that is making you feel this way. It could be that you are not focusing enough time and attention on developing yourself apart from him. I think a lot of women give up their own activities and friends because they want to feel close to their significant other. But eventually I think this keeps you from maintaining your own identity. This could be part of why you feel like you are missing out on other things. So spend some time alone and as you become more in touch with yourself and your feelings, you may gain some clarity regarding your relationship.

I would give you one caution. I think it is great to write about your feelings; it can be very therapeutic and really help you sort things out. And a forum like this is a great way to get some impartial feedback. But I think you should be careful about who you share this with. Make sure that the people you choose to confide in will be a sounding board for you to just get everything out but not be judgmental and tell you what they think you should do. I have seen some women get in trouble when they start talking with their girlfriends because they start to identify with how their girlfriends view relationships instead of how they really feel about their own relationship. So be very careful and try to trust your own ability to assess your relationship.

Good luck!

Karin Norgard

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