BellaOnline Forums Career Nonfiction Writing Concise Writing Game

My new article this week (going live on Thursday) is on eliminating adverbs to tighten your writing. If you have strong verbs, you don't need the adverbs.

Read the following and see if you can tighten it up. Just for fun, let's see who can create the most concise version of this little piece:

"I slowly walked into elegant, expensive, and elaborate living room. I had never seen such an extraordinary example of conspicuous consumption. It looked like a spectacular showcase for "Money-wasters Unlimited." I looked carefully around for any small sign that the criminals might have left behind a clue, perhaps accidentally dropping their driver's license, foolishly leaving behind a business card, or something else that would happily provide me with a clue. After all, it was my very first job, and even though I wasn't really any good at it, I didn't want anyone to know--especially not rich, snobby customers, whose unending wealth and lack of concern for spending money could greatly and lavishly enrich my very own wallet."

Okay, tighten it up!

As a rookie,I scoured the boudoir all the more carefully, desperate for clues to the burglar's identity?

Hi Terrie - will that do for starters LOL?

The house showed that they had money, but they had still hired me - a beginner private dick. Without much confidence, but thinking of my paycheck, I began to look for clues.

"I sauntered into [the] elegant, expensive, and elaborate living room."

If I'm a private dick - I'm sauntering!