BellaOnline Forums Beauty and Self Inspiration Forgiveness

Feeling angry or resentful toward a person or situation? Then it may be time to do some forgiving!

Forgiveness

Forgiving can take a load of sorrow off your heart, and can return brightness into your life

I loved your article, Deanna! Forgiveness can be such an empowering act on so many levels. I have been faced with forgiving an abusive parent. I struggled with it for many years. How do you forgive someone who is supposed to teach you what love is all about, who are themselves incapable of love? I felt like I had to emotionally erase what she had done to me emotionally and spiritually, and continue a relationship with her while she showed no remorse for her continued actions (however unintentional or misguided they were due to uncontrolled mental illness.)

Then I heard the most lovely words. I had a session with Nan O'Brien, a medium/intuitive counselor and popular radio and television celebrity here in Vermont. She said, in abbreviated form, "It's not your job to forgive. If you put yourself in the position of forgiveness, then you have put yourself above that person, judging that what they did was 'wrong.' That is up to God. All you can do is understand that the person who hurt you was in a place of pain themselves. That is all you need to do."

This helped me so much. I felt a huge burden lifted off of me that I had to "forgive" my mother yet still allow her to project her poison onto me. It allowed me to maintain a heathy distance from her, yet still love her in the way that I am able to without feeing the guilt that I have somehow abandoned her.

A dear friend of mine has also struggled with forgiving her ex-husband for abusing her and their children. She never wanted to berate their father to the (now grown) children even though there was so much dysfunction in the family as a result of his actions. With the understanding that she did not still have to "love" him to forgive him, she has been able to go on with her life just knowing that he will never understand the pain he has caused, because of the abuse that he had suffered in his life time. The biblical quote comes to mind, "Forgive him, for he knows not what he does."

Thank you, Deanna for the opportunity to share our experiences with forgiveness.

Shay

Thanks for the great article, Deanna!

I carried a big load of resentments around with me for many years, which kept me from enjoying the moment and from having new relationships with my stepdaughters and even my husband.

I read the book 10 Secrets to Inner Peace and Success and Being in Balance, by Wayne Dyer and he talked about forgiving, how to do it and what it can do for you. I decided for my own sake I was going to forgive and move on, releasing the idea that I needed others to acknowledge me as "right" or to have the acknowledge my feelings at all.

I learned that only I can control what I think and feel and I chose not to spend the rest of my life resenting and being angry for things that happened long ago.

From that point on, all my relationships changed dramatically. I now work on putting out loving feelings, being less critical and more supportive and I am met with the same feelings from those around me.

Forgiveness can only be complete if you underpin it with Compassion.
Compassion only works successfully, if you team it with Wisdom.

Wisdom and Compassion are like the two wings of a bird. if one or other doesn't work, the bird cannot soar.
There is such a thing as "idiot Compassion". Feeling compassion without thinking it through, simply exercising it because we feel we should....
Wisdom permits you to understand the fundamental necessity and dynamic of forgiveness and compassion.

Wonderful.

yes, that is a good point. I think we do need to understand what we are CHOOSING to do when we forgive, so we are being real and not denying the facts.
One of the problems with some branches of Christianity have people misconstrewing forgivness without feeling and thinking it through. This has led to some thinking/finding they have not really forgiven. It is both an action and a choice.

Deanna,
That was one of the most amazing articles I have read. Well balanced, tactful and helpful. Thankyou.

I know for me, when I get angry I pretend the person who has hurt me is standing/sitting there and I tell them how I feel, then I can cry and let it out.

But forgivness is so hard to do sometimes, just have tp keep pegging away.
Your article game me a lot of hope. Thanks

Wow, what a wonderful article highlighting the importance of forgiveness. A recent study showed that 87% of disease can be traced to thought life. Imagine the improvement you could make by letting go of that grudge? Thanks for sharing this!

That is so true - when we are angry, it's not like the person who hurt us "knows" or "cares". They are off in their oblivious world. Our anger only hurts ourselves. The main reason people should release that anger is not so that the abuser feels better - it is so that the VICTIM feels better.

It seems almost paradoxical. Shouldn't the victim feel angry for being abused! Yes, at first. But over time they have to be able to let the anger go for their own well being. Keeping anger and stress in your system causes all sorts of hormonal harm in a very real, medical sense. So it is for your own health and well being that you should find some way to release the anger.

I know it's not easy! But if you get help and work at it every day, you can find some way to release it, and become a healthier, happier person.

You said it perfectly Lisa ! ! !