BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Buddhism Do Not Complain for 1 Month

Well in mind I just thought a rude thing: about someone who used to be a friend sending me group emails (to everyone she knows) soliciting funds for a half-marathon she wants to run to support a health charity. In Alaska. She wants us to help pay her way to alaska and support her time there so she can do the run.

I can support my own charities and I am not fond of her solicitations. So my mind went, "dream on girl,"...does this fall under a complaint? Or just a rude thought? I don't usually think rude things about people but this person really hurt me in the past. I am certainly not going to help her cause.

Would a real Buddhist send her some support just to put positive energy into a negative mind suck (not for her, but for me, to add kind karma to a personally hurtful situation)?

And am i complaining?

I think it's fair to be frustrated by someone who keeps asking for you to pay her way on trips. It's one thing if she was running a local marathon. It's another to ask "send me to Paris so I can do some running there". That's just not right.

You don't need to be happy when someone tries to take advantage of you like that, which is what I would term it. Maybe you should create a filter which puts those messages into a folder, that way you don't have to read them but if someone later says "Oh did you read that important message by xxxxx" you can go find it and see what it said.

This is an iffy area for me - supporting someone who is selfish - and I am going to post about it separately since it's come up in two different books I've just read.

Relating to complaining, my mom is planning a dinner this weekend. She's sent me at least four separate email messages complaining about the other attendees' lack of culinary breadth. One person doesn't like X food. Another person doesn't like Y food. This is a hardship on her, to have to deal with these constraints. It is casting a negative pall over the entire dinner - and it hasn't even begun yet! Surely she can find something tasty to serve that we all like. We're not talking about these people saying "I will not eat any meat - nor any green veggies either!" They have certain foods they don't like, just like we all do. I am really tempted to say "just why does this bother you so much?" but I am letting it slide. She's known these people for 40 or more years so it's not like they suddenly got this way ...

My mom has plenty of other friends with more broad tastes so it's not that she has nobody else to cook for. She has a lot of outlet for her culinary talents. If we just had spaghetti-and-meatballs with these friends, I'm sure they'd be quite happy, and we'd have a lovely evening. They are coming for the company, not the food.

Hmmmm maybe I *will* write my mom and ask her - just to see what she says ... maybe she doesn't realize just how much this is bugging her, that she is writing me repeatedly about it ...

Jilly,

I think it would be complaining if you DID send her the money and were negative about it anyway.

I think this way you are just stating your honest opinion.

Hmmmm. That's what i was thinking too, 'why should i pay for her vacation to Alaska?' There are plenty of runs she can do locally, runs that also support charities.

I think it's a little ballsy to be placing this on her family, friends and ex-friends, but STILL my thoughts here are not being charitable.

And by writing about it here, I would say I am venting.

So, just trying to come to a definition of a complaint-free day. Stating, venting, complaining, whining...I need to sit down and decide in my own mind what constitutes, for me, a complaint-free day, whether i state the 'complaint' aloud or not.

It is interesting that you asked the question, "Would a real Buddhist...." because of course, the whole of your attitude, action and reaction hinges upon this very question, this very point....
And I think this is where you have to make the distinction.
"Yes, but I'M not a 'real' Buddhist...." gives you a leeway to act in a less 'Buddhist' way....

But then, let's see... what would a 'real' Buddhist do...?

Let's go back to square one, and simplify.
Our purpose in life, as Buddhists, is to recognise that Suffering exists, we recognise the source and origin of suffering, and we strive to eliminate suffering.
We do this by Studying the 4 Noble Truths, The Eightfold Path, and the Five Precepts.
we develop Compassion, Loving Kindness, Equanimity and Sympathetic Joy. The 4 Sublime states.

Is your friend suffering?
No, not on the face of it. She seems quite happy to be doing this, launching this project, and feels or hopes she can count on the support of her family and friends to help her make this dream a reality for her.

But - is she 'Suffering'?
Yes, of course.
She is attached to an external idea, an object of desire that she feels will bring her happiness, but will of course, as it is a temporary and transitory phenomenon, bring its own set of problems, and will eventually end. (By the way - What is NOT 'a temporary and transitory phenomenon'....?)
Furthermore, she is not considering the feelings, sensibilities and practical, financial constraints her friends and family may find themselves in.
She may be behaving in such a manner as to imply that whatever anyone else may have going on, this is more important, and they really should support her....

AS a Buddhist then, we are faced with a situation that in the end, brings us to the pinpoint question:
What is the selfless Compassionate thing to do?

The thing is to not focus on what our action would bring us, Kammically. This is already evaluating a situation in an effort to make it advantageous to us... which in a way, defeats the object...
It is also not our place to consider what the episode is doing to your friend's Kamma.

The focus therefore, would be better concentrated on the sheer, pure and simple act of giving, itself.
No Agenda.

Can I afford this?
If the answer is - "Maybe 5 dollars" then just look upon the act of sending 5 dollars.
Just the act.
No matter who sends it, or to whom.Put it in an envelope, and post it. Just that.
If you cannot afford it, and feel you need to channel your finances in another direction, that's fine.
Send a note, responding that you 'no can do', but that you wish her very good luck with her project, and a successful and safe experience.

But strip away the ego, self-righteousness, indignation, resentment and hostility.
They are no good for the developping Pilgrim....whatever their destination.
Excess baggage.
Not required on voyage.

That's what a 'real' Buddhist woould do.

Alexandra, this is not my friend.

And I feel a little attacked here. I am opening up some seriously private thoughts here. Because I trust this forum and want to improve myself. This isn't normally the kind of stuff I would share.

I really should know better than to ask these kinds of things publicly. I am too fragile for this.

Jill, really, I don't know what to say...
My response was not intended as a personal attack or a reproach...
was merely addressing your question as to what a 'real' Buddhist would do...and even that was really from a classic perspective...
I'm not quite sure where I went off track....My comments were a general scenario, they weren't intended to point a finger or remonstrate.
It's a buddhist forum. you made a valid and salient point on what a Buddhist would do. I merely answered that point from that perspective.
How I have managed to offend or upset you through that response, I don't know.
Please tell me what I have said that I might have misphrased and made sound like an 'attack'...

I am sorry, Alexandra. I am having a very emotional menstration right now and I think I took offense at nothing. So no worries.

We are all sending you virtual hugs, Jilly

Hug! Hug! Hug

I think I agree with a lot of what Alexandra said about the ultimate Buddhist goal. I also think it is VERY hard to achieve. I would feel upset with a person - friend or otherwise - who tried to pressure people into paying for her trips to Alaska.