BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Married No Kids Venting Thread

Hey guys,

I got the go-ahead to start this thread.

Everyone has a rotten day sometimes, and I realize that one of the things that the MNK was worried about missing was the chance to vent and commiserate with each other.

So here's a thread specifically for that.

This is not a thread for parents to come in and try to debate or change your minds - this is just for you to get things off your chest.

I believe by keeping things "contained" there will be less chance of people wandering in and getting insulted - and it will be easier to stick up for all of you as well.

Keep in mind the Bellaonline rules about foul language however, those still apply since this is an all age forum.

Thanks guys!

Michelle,

A venting thread cannot be someting that is promted. Being CF doesn't mean you just sit around and try to come up with an instance that bothers you so you can vent about it. That was the thing I enjoyed b/f all the members were kicked off or stopped posting..I could come to this site if I was having a bad day and vent and get support or just come and chit chat with other MNK. Personally, if I want to chit chat with other that have kids I can do that all day at work/the gym shoot all over, but I thought when I did a seach for a "no kids" site that is what I had found???

Since I don't have kids I can't begin to understand how you feel about them so I really can't seem to understand why so many here with kids seem to try to tell us how we feel.

Jzel - this thread here is exactly designed FOR venting!! If you have a bad day you can post here. So if you want to come on after a bad day and vent, this is where you'd put that vent.

That way the many visitors who do NOT want to read vents can avoid this thread and they are all set. It means you have a place to vent - and people who dislike venting as unproductive can easily avoid it.

Something for everyone

It has NOTHING to do with parents. It has everything to do with married no kid people.

Darn, I wish there was something to vent about. Sounds like fun.

LOL well there is a VERY easy target right now, if we want to vent. Even though I've been working hard to not complain for 30 days straight. But this isn't a complaint, it's simply a link to a news story -

BellaOnline ALERT: Raw URLs are not allowed in these forums for security reasons. Please use UBB code. If you don't know how to do UBB code just post here for help - we will help out!

You may want to take a closer look at the facts of the case Lisa because you seem to be lacking some important details. That family was under the watchful eye of social services whilst this was going on. Indeed Social services had been involved for a number of years and found Fritzi & his wife to be model parents to the children that they adopted. They made that assessment without ever meeting Fritzi himself. Scarily, they did have a licence to keep the children that "arrived on their doorstep".

Malamutes - You are exactly right - the current system is not doing a good enough job of evaluating potential parents! How can they make an assessment of a parent's mental health without meeting that parent?

By the way, my vent for the day is about parents who seem to think that they know what it's like to be childfree - whether by choice or circumstance.

Somehow I don't think that they've ever had to deal with the following:
1. Having a doctor encourage them to have a baby right now because you're going through early menopause and we'd hate to have you regret not having at least one; regardless of your current health status or relationship status.
2. Having to explain, each time you go to a new doctor that you know you only have at most, one year left to have a baby and you don't care.
3. Waking up from surgery to have the doctor tell you that there is a very small chance that you'll even be able to bear children then having to make a decision with your partner as to whether or not you'll stay together because he'd never even realised that not having children was an option and hadn't quite realised how serious you were when you said your body was genetically flawed and you wouldn't be having children.

So, it's great that all these people are suddenly here saying "We understand" but the bottom line is, however much you talk about it with your friends/colleagues/multiple personalities, you don't. You have never experienced certain things and you have taken the well-worn path that was expected of you. Whether or not you're now an empty nester, that doesn't really matter. You didn't deal with the same issues.

I liken it to people who don't have endometriosis or live with someone who has it, saying "I understand". No, you don�t. It's harsh, but you don�t. You don't understand what it's like to be passing out in pain each month or organising your life around it. Just like I don't understand what it's like to live with Cancer or a dying partner.

And, before someone goes all pity party, here's the thing - I'm not typing this for people to go "Oh, I'm so sorry". If I wanted that I'd tell people in real life that we can't have children rather than we've chosen not to.

Instead I'm wanting to raise the issue that it's degrading for people to go "I understand and am one of you" when they're not. Whether they chose to raise or abandon their child, they still had one. If their children have now left home, they definitely haven't dealt with the same thing and truly don't understand. If they haven't have kids yet, but are going to, it isn't the same thing.

The people who are coming here get enough of that false understanding in real life, they don't need it on boards as well.

Oh goodie, a sanitised venting thread. It's good to know that those pesky CF vents will now be safely contained within a single thread, thus minimising their chance of being seen by thin-skinned passers-by.

Incidentally, I find it interesting that venting within the CF context is now confined to a single thread while on the Marriage board vents and rants - some very angry and containing crude language - are rampant. In fact, the board specifically describes itself as a place "to talk or vent". I know that I am not the only one to be boggled by this blatant double standard.

Sorry for the long post; it's in two significantly different parts:

Part 1:
Thank you, Michelle, for creating a place to vent, so at least the future Bella CF folks won't think they have to post only about weekend activities, travel and all the other joys that accompany a CF life. It's a great life, but everyone's got their dog days.

To that end, I agree with Malamutes:

If you're a parent, you are not - nor will ever be - either childfree (a term that implies having made a choice to not have children) or childless (a term that implies having wanted children but couldn't or didn't and now it's too late). This includes empty-nesters, people whose children unfortunately died, and people who have given up or lost custody of their children.



Again, I agree. There are truly unique aspects of the childfree life the former posters have raised in here that a parent will never understand. Empty nesters and other parents could never contribute a sound answer to the questions that follow. They can try to sympathize or tell us about their friends, but it's just not as effective:

1. What if, later in life, I regret my decision to not have children?
2. If I have no children, who will take care of me later in life?
3. I'm an only child. Once my parents are gone, I'll feel like I have no family.
4. I'm 36 years old, and though my bio clock hasn't gone off yet, I'm still feeling like I might miss something as a woman and as a human if I don't have a kid...do you all ever feel the same?
5. It bugs the hell out of me when parents think their kids are the end-all, be-all of humanity and everything and everyone should be focused on them...any of you feel the same?
6. My parents treat me like a leper now that my brother had a kid and I decided not to, and it hurts. Someone please help me through this.
7. This lifestyle is SO cool -- let's list all the things we'll get to do as a result of never having kids!

Ahhhh, just recalling some of the best threads in here makes me nostalgic. But I'm afraid as a CF woman I no longer feel comfortable posting commentary and asking questions among any parents who feel they can offer me anything in the way of camaraderie, solace, or understanding. Parents can offer me respect, which I've seen in here, and while I don't mean this to be rude, a parent's respect for my choice and my lifestyle is worth nothing to me (I wasn't seeking it) compared to the unique bonding, friendship and closeness I feel to someone who never had a child (something I continue to seek). They get me, they understand me...they feel the exact same things, no matter their background, country of origin, and everything else that shapes a person.

Part II
I was going to end this thread with the paragraph above, but something just dawned on me as I've been mentally beating myself about the head, trying to figure out how in the world any parent (empty nesters, parents without custody, etc.) could think they could offer anything in this room...

Revelation: The title of this room is not "Childfree by Choice," "The Childless Life," "The CF Connection" or anything else that narrows the room to only CF or childless people. Rather, the title of the room is "Married No Kids." So by definition of the room title, *slaps forehead* no wonder some parents post here...some parents don't have kids in their home. Makes perfect sense.

I guess many people of this room's past just kind of wished it (and maybe tried to make it) to be something it really wasn't, myself included. Having realized the fact that perhaps this was never the room for me in the first place releases a huge weight off of me, as I've felt for two weeks that I'd really miss this place after over a year of posting here.

I seek like-minded, truly childfree or childless people. With this understanding as a childfree woman, perhaps I'm the one that really doesn't, and never has, belonged here.

Thank you for hosting my posts - and the posts of other CF folks - for the last year. I want to be with them.