BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I could use your input

My oldest child, and only daughter, has decided that she wants to live her life CF. She is an intelligent woman and has given this decision a lot of thought. I respect her decision, but as a mother of 4 it is hard for me to know what to do or say next.

After reading some of your posts I have come to see that this choice could make her a target by some family, friends and co-workers and I don't want to be a part of that.

In a perfect world, what would you all want your mother to do or say to support you in your decision?

And no, this isn't a "fluffy" post just because I happen to be an editor here, this is real and I would welcome any input you can give me.

Thank-you all in advance.

My mother also has four children. My two brothers and I are CF. My sister has one son. My mother has never ever brought up the subject to any of us, and I think in a perfect world it is not necessary to discuss at all. I never thought about how perfect my mom is til now. Why do you feel you have to do or say anything? If she wants your input she'll ask. Til then, just be her mom.

My mom calls my cats her grandcats and never says anything like, "Man, I wish they were human" or "When are you going to have kids already." That's more than enough!

I respect and think it's cool that you are concerned about being supportive to her! But I don't know why it has to be such a big deal. It's not like she is proposing cutting off a limb or something... there is nothing sick, wrong, or freakish about choosing not to procreate!

My two children (both feline) Thomas and Bridget call my mother Grammy and my father Grampy, almost the same situation as Pinecone's. Nothing could hurt worse when my mother makes a comment about how cute a kid is (and looks at me like she wants me to say the same), but won't really take the time to say the same about either of our children. I think it would make everything a lot better and easier if my mom just accepted that I want nothing to do with human kids...she does give me cards on holidays from the children and gave me a bouquet on Mother's Day last year with a card from Thomas and Bridget, which is awesome. Basically, I think the best you can do is respect her decision and her beliefs. Don't push your beliefs on her one way or the other. If she does happen to want non-human kids, only accept them as part of the family if you're comfortable. My grandma hates cats because they're "sneaky," and it hurts to see the way she looks at my babies. But I don't expect her to love cats as much as I don't want her to expect me to like or have kids.

Oh, and by the way, that says a lot about you that you didn't go off on her and tell her to have kids. You came on a child-free forum and asked how you should react to her so you wouldn't be overpowering. That in itself makes you an admirable parent--if only all parents were like you!

My mum respects my decision and is actually supportive.

If you witness any relatives giving her a hard time or asking too many questions interupt it and declare you support of whatever path she chooses. It is a hard decision to make because most of us don't enjoy being treated so differently.

Thank-you for the input! I didn't feel that I had to "do" anything, I just didn't want to say or do the wrong thing. I totally support what ever decisions all my children make in their lives, it's their lives, after all.

The funny thing, to me, is after reading some of the posts in this forum is that there is some regrets in life no matter what a person chooses, and the early retirement and lots of free time was something I never considered before having children; some of that would have been nice for me.

Again, thanks for the input.

I am an only child and my mother is great...for the most part. She never asked when I will grow up and have kids or make her a granny and she never says things like dont you hear that clock ticking yet or you will change your mind. I think she is ok with me not having kids because it is a health issue.

I would how ever love it if my mom would stand up to the rest of her family. They have a knack for bingoing me everytime they see me and my mom doesnt support me at all. she just says Well I would love to be a grandma someday but what can I do she is a grown woman. Which sounds like she is taking there side and I wonder if she doesnt think that the people in the family can shame guilt or bully be into having a child...

I love kids so I love to be around them and play with them and then and the most important part is I CAN SEND THEM HOME TO THERE MOM!!!! It doesnt offend me if someone wants me to watch or hold there kid but I do know that there are a lot of cf people out there who dont want to deal with kids on any level. I would find out where your daughter stands on this. Also I would find out where she stands on things like baby showers and birthday parties for kids... Personaly I love to be invited so I know about the event but I never or rarely go I like to send a give to the mommy to be or the birthday girl or boy but I hate going to the showers and stuff. On the other hand If I am not invited then I feel left out so... I am weird. I helped with my best friends daughters party and she knew that there was no way on earth I was going to go to the party and it worked out great all the way around.

Talk to your daughter and find out how she feels and why she feels that way. there are many reasons and kinds of CF people. We are not all cut from the same cooky cutter....

Gee, it's lucky for you that you have 162 pages of advice just waiting for you in the MNK archives. Grab that mouse and get cracking, Helen!

Thanks for asking, really. It tells me that you respect your daughter's feelings and are researching a situation you know nothing about. Kudos!

My mom, when I told her that I didn't think I would have kids, told me that it was *my* life, and not to live it for her. She doesn't ask when she's going to get grandchildren. That's all I really need, is respect for my decision and maybe a little support if anyone else starts to pick on me for it.

You sound like you're going to be just fine. Good luck!

When you think about it, supporting any person you love in their child free decision works the same way. So it can be your daughter, or your best friend, or your sister. In any of these cases, if they choose to be child free, you accept their decision and say you're there for them if they want to talk about it.

It's not that you treat them "differently" - but they might end up having situations that upset them, like someone at work bingoing them. You are telling them that you support them and are happy to get the phone call when they need someone to talk with.

So in that sense I think it is very *good* to talk to someone in this situation and tell them you support them. Someone had said "Why do you feel you have to do or say anything?" and while in a logical sense this might be true, in a loving emotional sense I think it is *great* to tell someone you love that you are there for them. That makes them far more likely to reach out when they are feeling hurt.

Women are trained to just handle pain and not burden others with it. I think it is so important for us to learn to seek help when we are in pain and to allow others to help us heal. Part of that is knowing who it is "safe" to go to - and it's therefore important to be proactive in letting them know that you ARE a safe person to confide in in this issue, that you understand.