BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I am suffering....

You are not alone. I haven't liked children since ... I was one! Since I can remember, I didn't much like other kids, and certainly didn't like babies. I would get a doll for a present and would ignore it or throw it away at first chance. I preferred stuffed animals. Dolls? BLEH! YUCK!
Definitely NOT cut out for having children.
As far as your apparent phobia, you need to distance yourself from the MIL. I believe that once you are married (assuming you get along with your spouse!) that all other family takes a backseat anyway to the person you chose to spend your life with.
Visits on holidays IF you get along, perhaps the occasional phone call. You are not obligated to do ANYTHING for an in-law. Just because someone was somebody's parent doesn't mean you have to be Best Friends Forever.
So SCREW the MIL. SCREW HER. It's your life. Don't let other's ruin your day. Take back your life and stop letting her get you down. Cut her off. Whatever it takes.

It sounds like you are having so much pressure put on you, not only to have a child, but thst you must also adore children - that it is causing these panic attacks.

I don't think you are frightened so much of the child, but of the "attack" that's going to come from others that you don't "act properly". But these two things are entertwined in your head (understandably so) - it's a cause and affect thing.

Possible you should check into taking some classes on (I know there's a term for this) - standing up for yourself, without feeling guilty. You should never have to feel guilty because of choices you make. Now you just need to learn the strength to back youself up. It's hard to do, but you can with practice and support from your husband.

It is called assertiveness training -- making yourself believe that you can stand up for yourself and your ideals in the face of what appears to be insurmountable obstacles.

I agree with the others who suggest you either block her email, or change email addresses to avoid her, as well as finding a therapist that will actually help you.

You mentioned that your dh is supportive, but that was all you said. Has HE spoken to his mother, told her to STOP sending emails, to stop trying to get you to want what she wants you to want? You've already stood up to her, which is great -- and I'm glad she at least stopped the verbal stuff. But the email stuff is just as inappropriate. She need to know. And if she was informed that this was NOT appropriate or appreciated, then a repercussion needs to happen so YOU can regain your life.

I wish you the best in getting over this phobia, and regaining control of that aspect of your life!

Psychiatrists are okay for the meds but they are not good for therapy, I know from experience. I would seek out a Psychologist or a Clinical Social Worker to deal with this. You need ways to deal constructively with your anxiety!
Take care...

Pearl here,

Fist of all, I am overwhelmed by the number of responses in such a short period of time and I sincerely thank all of you for your advice. I am happy to know that I am not alone. I knew there are people who do not want to have children of their own but actually like children but I did not know anyone who does not like children and be honest about it.

Yes, I guess I do have a phobia of children. I never realized it until I read some of your responses.
It sounds awful but I cannot look at infants and small babies as human beings. I have noticed myself referring to them as �it�. I am also angry. I am angry that they are making my life so miserable. I know that this is just all in my head, no children has done anything to me personally but I just cannot stop thinking this way and I am angry at myself. Regarding my doc, I just started seeing him and we get along well. I would like to give him some more time to figure me out.

As to my mother-in-law, we had a wonderful relationship before the baby was born. I thought she was the best MIL anyone could ever have and I know she felt the say way about me.
I don�t know what to do. I cannot change my email address because she emails me AT WORK. Getting my work email address changed is out of the question.

I asked her not to send me a personal email at work but she said she kept forgetting to use my personal email address. When my husband and I get together with them (MIL & FIL) at a restaurant, she usually brings the baby photo album to show us. I just get speechless and my stomach starts burning but I have no courage to say anything because if I open my mouth, I think I will have my panic attack and I don�t think I have the right to ruin so-called �Family Time�. My husband is in a difficult position as well. He does not talk to his brother or sister at all but he is very close to his parents. My husband is their favorite child. Because I was the one who spoke up about the baby, I feel that they must think I am influencing their favorite son to be a child-hater or something. I have asked my husband to speak with his parents and he did. However, the way he explains to them is not strong/direct enough to the point. (He does not want to get into any kind of confrontation with anyone in general) I am obviously not in position to teach him how to speak to his parents. But I would also feel terrible if I ever cause their relationship to go bad.
Mother� Day is coming up and everyone is expected to show up at the parent house. I am already suffering from the anticipation anxiety because the baby would be there. If I skip it, I think I am making the matter worse. I don�t want to be the one to cause problems.

Hi Pearl, and welcome. How awful to be constantly hounded like that. A couple of quick suggestions have sprung to mind:

With regard to the work e-mail, it should be possible to set up a filter, so that e-mails from your MIL get automatically sent into a spal folder (or wherever you want them). I'm afraid I'm no technical whiz, but am sure that someone at work could set that up for you.

Secondly, you and your husband could consider writing a letter to your in-laws to let them know how you feel on the subject of children, and how their behaviour makes you feel. Face-to-face confrontations are always difficult, especially with family one doesn't want to hurt or offend, and sometimes setting this down in writing makes the whole process easier - they won't be able to interrupt, you can take as much time as you want over wording etc.

I hope the situation improves for you, and I'm glad that you've found support here.

I second the notion of a letter. Emphasize how much the relationship between you means to you, how you thought she was the best mother in law ever, and how you don't want to loose that. Say how you're sure she doesn't realize just how much it's hurting you to say that you can't handle something right now but she keeps pushing at it anyway. The letter doesn't have to be a blame-fest, and she very well may not know just how much it's affecting you. Once it's in black and white right there in her hand though you KNOW that she's either honestly clueless (because she'll either apologize or stop bingoing you) or that she just doesn't care about how you feel, or doesn't believe you.

And yes, it's usually quite simple to have your email tag someone as "spam" so you don't even have to see it.

Hello, Pearl. I agree with so many of the above. A letter is a great way to get your feelings across in a nonconfrontational way.
Mostly, I want to back up those who have recommended changing therapists. You need fresh insight. A shyness/discomfort around children is not rare. A therapist that has trouble treating a panic disorder in this day and age is rare. Get a new one soon. I bet you'll feel a lot better pretty quickly.
I hope the best for you. Sometimes, you need to pick your own family.

E-mail: That one's easy. There is a "delete" key. simply delete messages from your MIL unopened.

Mother's Day: Difficult. Do you do any handwork, such as knitting or crochet? If so, take it along and focus on that. That's worked for me when I've been forced to be around my DH's grandkids. Other than that all I can suggest is making the visit as short as possible. Try taking breaks from the situation - go for a walk when it gets too overwhelming. Could you develop a terrible migraine and be unable to attend? Or could you just not go and ask your DH to just come right out and tell them that the situation with the baby has caused you to develop panic attacks around kids and that you're just not up to facing a child? Only you can determine how bad your panic attacks might become and only you can determine how best to deal with this situation. Personally, I'd send my MIL a lovely gift, all my best wishes, and stay home.

Question: Your DH doesn't speak to his brother even at family gatherings so there has to be an unresolved issue there. Could it be that your MIL saw the baby's arrival as a fence mender? Could she be trying to use the baby as a means of uniting the family "for the sake of the baby"? Since you had a good relationship with her before the baby came along, try explaining to her that, for some reason, you have developed a phobia about children and babies and out and out tell her that your doctor has told you to avoid all children at all times until he can get to the bottom of it. (OK, maybe he didn't - but that doesn't mean you can't say he did.) Add that your phobia is very rare and unusual and that your doc figures it will take years to get to the root cause before he can even begin treatment. Ham it up - baby pics? Move to a far corner and shiver. Baby in the room and being forced on you? Scream and run out of the house. Or cry and demand that it be taken out of your sight.

I also don't like being around kids - not one bit. Far as I'm concerned they can stay well away from me - 5 miles or more is a good distance. Unfortunately keeping them that far away is just not possible. I tense up something terrible when there is a child anywhere near me, even worse it it's a baby. Heck, I tensed up around babies and little kids when I was a little kid - just don't like them, never did, never will.