BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I am suffering....

I need to know if there is anyone like me. I never liked infants and small children but I was never mean to them. I was able to be around them. But my feeling toward them (disliking) is getting so strong these days that I have been suffering from anxiety. My husband and I are so happily married and we both do not want to have any children. My husband�s brother had a baby in September of 2006 but because he is not close to his brother and I do not like his wife, we never really felt like we have a nephew. We only see them at a family gathering only but we pretty much ignore the baby. Last November or so, my mother in law addressed the concern that my husband and I are not around enough for this new family member and REQUESTED that we show some interest. She said that it is so necessary to develop a relationship, which my husband and I are not interested in. (again, my husband does not speak with his brother even at a family gathering). This baby is my in-laws first grandchild and they are so happy. They kept telling me about how much joy a baby could give you. I told her nicely that I do not feel comfortable around children but she would not accept it, so I have to tell her honestly that I DO NOT LIKE children and do the best I can to stay away from any children. I told her to try to understand that my husband and I are not on the same emotional level as they are about this baby. She was shocked but after this conversation she never mentioned about it.

So I should be happy by now, right? But No. She started sending emails of the baby photos often.
I delete them right away. Ever since that conversation took place, I started to tense up when I see infants and small children and it got worse little by little. These days, if a child sits near me on subways and buses, I start hyperventilating. I get so panicky and needs to get off at the next stop. I cannot stand being around small children now. I am so afraid to be approached or touched by them or even make eye contact. I feel that if a child touches me unexpectedly I may snap. I am seeing a psychiatrist and on Xanax for my panic attacks but my psychiatrist who has been in practice for 40 years said he has never had a case like mine. My husband is fully aware of my situation and has been so supportive. But what happened to me? I am the only one suffering like this?

There's at least one other person like you: me. I HATE being around small children and babies. I will do anything to avoid them - move to a different car on the train, stay out of certain restaurants at certain times, click away from websites with pictures of babies...

My point is, you're not alone. Welcome to the forum!

I feel your MIL is being incredibly disrespectful of you. I am so so so tired of this one-track-mindedness that a lot of women seem to have, thinking that all other women must only be able to find happiness in reproducing. I've been volunteered to babysit my niece (who is actually my long-term boyfriend's niece, but close enough, we've been together longer than she's been alive). My boyfriend never changed her diaper once but I have... why? Because I was volunteered to watch her and of course I won't mind wiping up poop -- I'm a woman. Isn't that what we all want out of life, to wipe up poop? What could be more special than to wipe up poop. Sorry, but that really bothered me. And actually I don't mind watching her at all (in VERY short bursts) but the poop thing obviously scarred me, sorry!!!! Haha. Anyway, sorry for that minor derailment.

It's good you are seeing someone about this and maybe the Xanax will help, because obviously it's not good to have anything cause someone so much anxiety. But that aside, your MIL is being so awful to you by doing that. I'm so sorry.

You said that this started after the conversation with your mother-in-law. She's trying to force you to participate in a relationship that you are not interested in. Now when it's any child, you start to panic. Do you really think it's the children or are the children just reminding you of that horrible day in November? Did you resolve the nephew issue with your mother-in-law? Maybe the dread of everyone wanting you to develope a relationship with him is what is making you sick.
P.S. I only see my friends with children w/o their children and I don't invite them over unless the children are left at home.

Hi pearl,
I do have a grown son whom I love very much, but have never had any interest in other people's children so I totally understand that aspect of your issue.

But it seems for you that there are some serious underlying issues concerning what appears to have developed into a phobia of children. You are currently seeing a therapist who has you on anti-anxiety drugs and cannot treat your phobia. Clearly what you need to do is immediately locate a specialist who can deal with your specific issue. It is disheartening to see that your therapist is irresponsible enough to keep you as a client, knowing that he cannot help you.

You deserve a life of emotional freedom, pearl. Please do seek the guidance you need to achieve your happiness.

In the mean time, you may want to change your email address to avoid receiving unwanted pictures from someone who clearly doesn't get that they are terrorizing you. You are also not obligated to attend family functions - it is your life to live in what ever manner is comfortable for you!

Best of luck,
Shay

This may be harsh, but your MIL is not very respectful. I would block her email address or open another email account and not tell her.

This is borderline abuse. You've told her how uncomfortable you are and she deems herself more worthy than you to make decisions for your life. The nerve!

Since she is your MIL, have your husband disabuse her of the notion that she can convert you.

I think you should change shrinks. Honestly, he's never heard of a phobia before? Because that's what you have, a phobia of children.

You MUST realize that having a panic attack for having a child look at you is not logical. It's the purely emotional part of your brain that views kids as "danger" and THAT is what gives you such a strong sense of panic. (no, I'm not a psychologist, but your symptoms really are classic).

Let me say that is IS perfectly normal to not want to have children, or even to be around them. What isn't normal is to react to them like they're going to jump on your face and lay eggs in your chest. Fortunately, from what I heard it is actually pretty easy to overcome phobias (once you KNOW that it's a phobia anyway).

From a purely layman viewpoint, I'm pretty sure that before you started getting pressure, you just didn't care to be around kids, and only after being pushed (or as your mind took it, "attacked about children") did you start having major anxiety over it. Try bringing this up with the shrink you're seeing, or talk about it with a new one.

(edit: looks like Shay beat me to the punch with the phobia thing. )

Pearl, I could point you to a number of forums with people who feel JUST like you, but you'll find them if you search.

I'm with Manveri as well. If children come into a room, I'll leave. If I enter a restaurant and kids are the first thing I see, I'll turn around. I'll switch seats on the bus, and turn my eat-in fast food into takeout if someone sits a child near me. So you're not alone. Your case is a little extreme, maybe bordering on phobic. Even though they may be unpleasant, they're not going to bite (generally) so you're probably pretty safe :-)

As for your MIL - Pinecone is completely right. One size does not fit all, and there is nothing wrong with you for choosing not to have children. Your life, your body and your choice. You have told her clearly that she is out of line. What she is doing now can only be classified as harrassment.

If you want it to stop, you may have to take some decisive measures. Sit her down, and tell her to her face that if any more pictures turn up, if she mentions it again, or otherwise chooses to disrespect you and your life decisions in any way, it will be the last time you talk to her. She needs to get the point CLEARLY, and it sounds like you're OK with doing that, which is good.

Good luck. Know that you're not alone, and you'll find plenty of support here.

Hi pearl,

You may or not be open to this, but I'll go out on a limb. The first thing that came to mind was a past memory of some kind that is blocked, either from this life or another. I've had people who after looking into this possiblility, seek out hypnotherapy and find they speak of either a life unfamiliar to them or like I said, an issue that was blocked for some reason.

This is completely hypothetical, but say a person was adopted and not told, the memory is still there. Sounds and smells, say of another child, relating to it can bring up anxiety when the memory begins to surface.

A past-life memory could be something like having children in that life and having to watch them suffer or taken by force possibly politically thus bringing an almost fingernail on chalkboard type sensation when it comes to ever even contemplating bringing a child into the world again or having the possibility of reliving those feelings.

Usually, hypnotherapy is something people look into when they've tried everything else and their symptoms are almost crippling to their life quality and they're still scratching their heads as to why. I've seen some incredible results. Just a thought

Elleise
Clairvoyance Editor

Pearl,

I also feel anxious and uncomfortable around children. For me it's because I feel so helpless around them. If this little person ends up being aggressive or destructive, there isn't a lot that I can do to defend myself. Some parents let their kids do whatever they want with no respect for others, and so I have found myself if stressful situations involvding children more than once.

Now when I see a child, I remember past situations where a child darted in front of my car or out in the street, for example, causing me a lot of emotional distress, and it brings those feelings back

Of course, I am a nervous person in general, and one thing that breaks up my resolve is loud, sharp noises. It's natural that children make these noises, but knowing that doesn't help my nerves.

Of course, although I associate these feelings with children, I don't blame them for it. The parents? Them I blame. But not the kids.