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Thank you for being here. #411369
04/25/08 08:09 AM
04/25/08 08:09 AM
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6
S
silverscout Offline OP
Newbie
silverscout  Offline OP
Newbie
S

Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6
Hello,
Thank you all for being in this forum. I found you after a long struggle with CF-ness. Both my husband and I have had a terrible time with child issues. We tried, it failed. We decided together to be CF.
The problem now erupts from a decade of living with the idea we would have children. However, the problem is no longer ours. We are rung dry by the process and are finally free of stress! We are happy and starting again! But (cue the heavy drums) our FRIENDS are another issue. No matter how honestly happy we are with the PLAIN FACTS of our lives, our friends seem to view us with pity. So much so that our childtastic friends don't invite us to do much anymore. I am sure it is becaue they feel sorry for us and don't want to rub their 'happiness' in our faces.
How lame is that? We like kids, we just don't have our own. I am certainly not longing for my friends poorly behaved kids. I don't long for my friends well behaved kids! I may long (a little) for the kid I can't seem to have, but really. Does this mean we can't be friends? After all I have been through, do I really need to chase these people down and convince them I don't want their children? NO! Shouldn't they be coming to me? To comfort ME!?
But, they'll never understand. One of my girlfriends, the last time I was pregnant, said "I am so glad it will work out for you finally. Because now you can really relate to me." It did not work out for me. But even if it had, I remember standing in the hallway while she said that and thinking "Really? All this time we have been friends and just because you had kids and I didn't, you couldn't relate to me?"
And my poor husband. My loving wonderful husband. It's like if you can't procreate you are less of a man. Well, not to me. He accepts me for whatever I am. He won't toss me off because we don't fit in the mainstream.
Thank you Kim and this whole forum. I really needed this.

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For New Visitors: This forum exists as a support community for people who are living a child-free existence. This area is here to help nurture, inspire and educate those who, for whatever reason, are living their lives without children in the home.

Posts made here must be supportive of this lifestyle choice. Comments should not question a person's decision to or reasons for being child free. Those negative comments are called "bingoing" or "trolling" and are not allowed. Please be sure you are aware of this forum's intentions and rules before posting!

Re: Thank you for being here. [Re: silverscout] #411386
04/25/08 12:10 PM
04/25/08 12:10 PM
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 351
Buffalo, NY
I
indigo2 Offline
Shark
indigo2  Offline
Shark
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 351
Buffalo, NY
hello and welcome! i really feel for you. i'm glad though that you have made a decision that you are comfortable with. although my situation isn't the same as yours, i can relate to the struggle with being CF and changing friendships. that to me is one of the hardest things about being CF.

i know you will find a lot of support here. many of us have come to be CF in a lot of different ways and some have even been in a similar situation as yourself.

indigo

Re: Thank you for being here. [Re: indigo2] #411403
04/25/08 01:12 PM
04/25/08 01:12 PM
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 727
Australia
M
Maxwell Offline
Gecko
Maxwell  Offline
Gecko
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Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 727
Australia
Hi Silverscout and welcome,
It's great that you've made the hard decision and have reclaimed your life - I have known a few women over the years that stopped living to pursue IVF for years on end - it almost became an obsession and was IMO very unhealthy...one in particular, almost lost everything...her mental health, her marriage, her career, her financial security...
It's unfortunate that your friends have decided to see less of you - perhaps they are feeling awkward, perhaps as you say, they don't want to rub their happiness/kids in your face - regardless, if they were good friends they would have taken your lead...invite you to functions and leave it to you...
Instead they seem to have taken the easy way out...
I think you should widen your social circle - you need positive people in your life, not "friends" offering their pity...people that have interests other than children....couples that don't "focus" on their kids (they can talk about other things) older people (with or w/o grown up kids) single people and CF couples...anyone who makes you feel comfortable, company you enjoy, shared interests...
My situation is very different - I always knew I wanted to do other things with my life...that's what I'm doing and loving every minute of it...
IMO it's important to maintain a positive attitude, count your blessings and get on with life...it sounds like you have gone through the grieving process and have reached acceptance...
Rest assured you can have a WONDERFUL life without children...
Sorry...but your girlfriend sounds a little self absorbed...why is it so important you relate to her? Surely as friends you should connect on all sorts of levels...if she can't connect with you because you don't have kids, I think you'll probably see less of her in the future - you'll naturally grow apart...
It's great that your marriage sounds strong and you're supporting each other...
There is more to life than having kids - if anyone thinks reproduction determines the measure of a man or woman, they're sadly misguided with a very narrow and unbalanced focus...you are not less of a person because you don't have kids...you determine what sort of person you are...
So, widen your circle of friends - one way is to take up some new hobbies and interests...I don't know whether you like wine but we've found wine dinners and wine tastings to be a fertile source of CF friends.(& lots of fun!)
It'll be difficult for your friends to pity you when you're rarely at home and bursting with new and exciting news!
I wish you both a happy, rich and satisfying CF life!

Re: Thank you for being here. [Re: indigo2] #411405
04/25/08 01:17 PM
04/25/08 01:17 PM
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 99
Maryland
J
jhmd Offline
Amoeba
jhmd  Offline
Amoeba
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 99
Maryland
HI silverscout. Welcome! Sounds like you had quite a struggle that you had to overcome. It also sounds like some of your friends don't know how to relate to you - which can happen at times - and hold back. It happens. Some will get over it and some may never feel quite comfortable discussing "kid stuff" around you.

The majority of my friends have kids, or will be having them. What I have found is that my friends with children feel comfortable around me because they can "let it out" and complain about the stresses of kids (even though they love their kids and love being parents) and the ups and downs and not feel judged by me. Sometimes they just need to vent. I listen to them, say "I really don't know how you do it!" and then we have a drink together. I think b/c I don't have children, they know that I won't be thinking that they are bad parents for sometimes feeling overwhelmed or say "thank heaven MY kids don't do those things" behind their backs because truly, I have nothing to compare to! (Not that ALL parents judge other parents but some definitely do). I have a friend who has 2 little girls and every so often, she will swing a sitter and she and I will have a dinner out. She is able to let it all out and feel comforted when I say "Oh Sarah, don't feel bad for being overwhelmed at times. You have no idea how many of my friends who are parents feel the same way. It does not make you a bad parent" and she feels better knowing she is not alone in sometimes struggling in parenthood. And that it is OK.

You may find that over time, you could be the friend that your parent friends come to when they need to vent and know that since you do not have kids you may just be a safe ear to listen to them and their struggles.

Re: Thank you for being here. [Re: Maxwell] #411409
04/25/08 01:28 PM
04/25/08 01:28 PM
Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 332
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KinderFrei Offline
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KinderFrei  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2008
Posts: 332
Hugs to you and Welcome silverscout! So glad you found our little community. It sounds like you have been through a rough few years, but you and your husband have come out on top! I'm so sorry to hear that your friends aren't as accepting. I hope they'll come around in time--and as you get into the forum here you'll see that so many of us are dealing with the same issue!

It has been a struggle for my DH and me too with getting our families/friends to understand our choice--and most of them still don't. And now that we are in our mid 30's it's becoming almost impossible to meet other couples who aren't already raising children or planning to have children. We feel pretty isolated at times from our friends, especially the ones who keep trying to talk us into having a baby.

I don't know where you live, but you may be lucky enough to be near one of the Childfree/Married No Kids social groups? It might be a good way to meet some new friends in real life who also, for whatever reason, aren't going to have children. Not that you don't want any friends who do have kids, but it can be nice to have some friends where you just know you can be yourself and won't have to deal with the pressures about children.

At any rate, welcome to our group and I'm sure you will see lots of info posted here that will spark your interest. Hope you will share more with us too smile


the only thing i want to parent is my great dane!
Re: Thank you for being here. [Re: KinderFrei] #411416
04/25/08 01:44 PM
04/25/08 01:44 PM
Joined: May 2007
Posts: 655
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Ms A Offline
Gecko
Ms A  Offline
Gecko
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Joined: May 2007
Posts: 655
Boy, silverscout, your friend sure was tactless! Maybe she doesn't get that SHE can't relate to what YOU have been through! Even if that pregnancy had been successful, you have been through a whole world that she doesn't get.

Although I am one of the parents that visits here, I also dealt with infertility for years, and had gotten to the point of, without the usual tears in my eyes, asking myself what I was going to do with my life if it never happened.

I'm glad that you and your dh have found peace and happiness!

Re: Thank you for being here. [Re: silverscout] #411430
04/25/08 02:13 PM
04/25/08 02:13 PM
Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 756
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BillieCat Offline
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BillieCat  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2007
Posts: 756
And thank you for sharing smile
We are all in the same boat here! The support is so soothing to your mind; it seems I can't get support anywhere else!
My mom is starting to accept the fact after pestering me the last few years.....

Re: Thank you for being here. [Re: BillieCat] #411438
04/25/08 02:25 PM
04/25/08 02:25 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613
GreyDrakkon Offline
Gecko
GreyDrakkon  Offline
Gecko

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613
Nice to meet you Silverscout. smile That's really too bad about your friends, and it's pretty sad that they can't "step outside" being anything but a parent instead of just being a human. Not everyone can or wants to be a parent, but we're all humans. (as far as I know anyway. wink )

Re: Thank you for being here. [Re: GreyDrakkon] #411485
04/25/08 04:41 PM
04/25/08 04:41 PM
Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6
S
silverscout Offline OP
Newbie
silverscout  Offline OP
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Joined: Apr 2008
Posts: 6
I appreciate all of this.
We do need to find more friends without children (and more friends without an ingrained view of us as a couple.) Wine tasting sounds great and something we both would like. I was thinking of joining an adult soccer team with the city park. Also, there is a cribbage club in town and we do love the cards!
As for my friend who can't relate to me, I like to think she feels terrible for saying that. I don't like to think that all my motherfriends have this basic disconnect with me. But perhaps it is true. Too bad none of them seem to realize it works both ways.
I have had trouble with this lack of understanding. My friends feel free to tell me about their lives, their children, but my life seems so off limits for discussion. This is partly my fault though. People ask me how I am doing and I just say "Fine." This is not because I am barely restraining pent-up saddness. It is because I have run out of things to say.
It would be okay if motherfriends found me a good person to come to with family issues. We do talk a lot about our partners, but as for their children, I am okay if it takes some time before we talk about them. Right now I could care less about Freddie's teething fits!
I have received some tactless comments about why we decided against IVF. I think because of all the multiple births in the papers and the media people think IVF is easy. Like I would show up to the doctor's one time and walk out with octuplets. One, that is plain false. Two, yuck! Who wants eight kids? Anyway, some motherfriends think we "gave up" on kids because we hated the idea of IVF and we're not comfortable with adoption. I get this vauge taste of "If you don't want it bad enough you won't get it." Obviously these are the people who have become marginalized in our lives, rightly. But I want to shake these people. THINK about what you are saying! You are RIGHT. I DON'T want it bad enough to stop my life, spend all my money, put my husband and mom through hell AND MOST LIKELY BE CF ANYWAY. We are happy with our choice.
It is so sad that they can't seem to step outside themselves, GreyDrakkon. My own mother hated the idea of us going through IVF. She's super happy for us. Maybe I should have a shirt made that says "My mother is happy for me. Can you be?"
ARGGH. My first few posts will be full of rage like this.

Re: Thank you for being here. [Re: silverscout] #411504
04/25/08 05:02 PM
04/25/08 05:02 PM
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613
GreyDrakkon Offline
Gecko
GreyDrakkon  Offline
Gecko

Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 613
Hah don't worry about the rage, it's good for you to be able to release it all and be met with people who KNOW how you feel. It'll help you get your balance back. That's a great idea of a shirt by the way. wink

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