BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Adult with new stepmother

Hello. I am new here but have been reading for several weeks. I am hoping you can help me.

I am the married adult child of parents who have been divorced since before I was born. My mother remarried when I was two, to a man who I consider my real father. My biological father shared joint custody off and on with my parents, but was abusive and neglectful. In the last ten years we had found a separate peace with each other and I was enjoying watching him be a really good grandfather to my children.

Recently my father has gotten married and expects his partner to be treated as my children's grandmother. She's very pushy about being their "grandma" and has never asked what I wanted or expected. I have said no, and both my father and his partner are angry and continuing to press the matter.

From my father's perspective, I am being hostile and unfair. I call my stepdad's parents my grandparents, and my children call my stepdad their grandfather. So to my biological father, it was something his new wife was entitled to. He feels resentful and as though I am being disrespectful and unwelcoming to his new partner. They both feel very strongly that it is unusual and unreasonable for me to not grant her the title of grandma.

My view is that grandparent isn't a title you get by marrying someone, but by raising someone. She could be the greatest lady in the world, but it wouldnt' change the fact that I'm all grown up and these are someone else's grandkids. There are lots of very special people in my children's lives who aren't grandparents, I am not cutting this woman out, just setting a boundary.

I know that as the mother, it's my call, and the decision is made, and however my father and his partner feel about it is up to them.

What I don't know is whether what they are expecting is common or not.

So I am asking you -- is it expected that a new spouse gains the title of "grandparent" to his or her partner's children?

All I can tell you is I don't feel right calling my stepmother mom II as she writes in all her cards and write my cards to her name. My children don't like their cards being addressed from Grandma either, my mom was very special to all of her grandchildren and there isn't one that I am aware of that would ever consider calling my dad's wife grandmother.

Your step father has earned the right as parent/grandparent, your step mother has not been around to earn that right and like my step mother is alienating by demanding the position.

I am recently married and I do not and will ever expect my 6 children, some adults, to call my husband dad, he does not expect this either, but my granddaughter is 3 and it is welcomed to call him grandpa but he is earning this right.

Just my opinion, it may not be right.

So I am asking you -- is it expected that a new spouse gains the title of "grandparent" to his or her partner's children?

No- it is a title- but it is up to the kids how they use it. The first rule of being in a step-family is to meet people where they are at. I have two step-sons. My youngerest 13 calls my mom and dad grandma margie and grandpa larry, but that was his choice and happened naturally because they are ALWAYS there for him unlike his maternal grandparents who are always on vacation having fun. My older step-son, 18 calls them Margie and Larry and they love him just the same.

It is rude and intrusive of them to expect to be put on the same level as other people who hve put years and years of time in.

I had a step-grandmother come into my life when I was...hmmm....11, I think. I called her by her name (Dora) and was immediately corrected and told to call her Grandma. Which just didn't seem right to me since she was NOT my grandmother. Since my Grandpa, who I dearly loved, requested that I call her "grandma" I did but only to please him and even at that I never called her grandma but always Grandma Dora which, to my mind, distinguished her from my real Grandma.

I had lots of grandmas - Great Grandma Lucy, Grandma Ella (who died and was replaced by Dora), and Grandma Ida. They were all just called Grandma except for Dora who always had her name added to the title to distinguish her from a real Grandma.

Just a child's solution to the problem of an upstart of a woman suddenly popping up and claiming grandma status. Have to say that I never really cared much for Dora - she came on way to strong and I always saw her as an outsider and an interloper. Quite possibly because her "granny" status was more or less crammed down my throat without regard to how I might feel about the matter.

When I got married we did give my youngest son the choice about whether he wanted to call my husband Dad or not (he had never met his biological father) He chose too. My eldest call him by his name, but they both have said they see him as a father to them.
I think it is hard but to give the child the choice makes it easier for them.

I would gently point out that LOVING grandparents need to give the children time to adjust and would understand that children should not be forced for the sake of an adults pride etc, or else they will be unhappy and resentful and not mean what they say, but if given the time and chioce they may then choose to out of love and respect, a much better motive, and a firm relationship to build up from!
Hope that helps, sorry it is so hard!

Seems like he wants to make up for the [censored] he put you through when you were younger and well I understand your anger and you have the right to be hostile.

Maybe meeting your new stepmother for lunch just the 2 of you and tell her you are greatful for wanting to be a part of your childrens lives but this bond doesn't happen over night and maybe she should try and get to know you the mother better and try being on the same page with one another.

Your father seems a bit controlling and now realizes his daughter is a grown woman and its out of his hands, there is not a darn thing he can do. It seems he and the new wife just want to rush it all and take over and that is just wrong.

Just to give another point of reference...

I am remarried, and my kids (16 & 10) adore my husband's parents.

But when we first started dating, they were introduced to my in-laws as Mr. Bob and Ms. Sandy. They call my parents GrandMama & GrandPapa, and my ex's parents Grandmother and Papaw.

It would have been odd and difficult for them to have had to switch nams in the middle - and my in-laws completely understand that.

It is up to your father and his wife to be the adults and do what is going to be est and most comfortable for the children - not force a relationship that is false. Kids get these things, maybe thst can't express it in words, but they do understand it.

My mom died two years ago and my dad immediately remarried. It has been a most difficult process for me, and my dad has repeatedly asked/informed/demanded of me to refer to her as "grandma" to my kids. My kids love and miss my mom, their nana, and they don't see her as grandma, and neither do I. I've tried to be gentle with my dad about it, but I've also been firm. It's only my kids, with their own precious gift of love, who can choose to call her grandma if she earns the title.

What's even more important to remember is that it shouldn't be about the title -- my "step" daughter still calls me by my first name after 12 years together (since she was 6) but you'd never believe we aren't blood related. We love each other fiercely and have a great relationship -- and we both know that takes more than a name.

I hope this resolves for you -- don't be afraid to set the rules.

Oh my that is just WRONG of your father to demand your kids call her Grandma, you poor thing.

I am with you I would never expect SD to call me Mom ever, or when she has kids her kids call me Grandma.