BellaOnline Forums Family Step Parenting Hi new here

I read alot of the threads here and understand what some of us are going through being step parents, its harder than we all probably thought.

I need some advise my BF's daughter is 18 and graduating here in June, my daughter will be 16 here in September. My soon to be step daughter is a very bright, pretty girl but I don't think she has alot of self esteem, she doesn't like other girls who are prettier, more popular, she doesn't seem to do real well in a group setting,she has a jealous streak and is clingy with boys,shame cause she is a pretty girl and has a bright future plus she is an only child.

My daughter is different she is also very pretty, brighter, into volley to the max, popular, laid back, and has alot of friends and doesn't want a boyfriend.

Every so often my daughter will see my BF's daughter out somewhere and she does nothing but give mean looks to my daughter like she wants to start something, and its happened more than once. My daughter acts like she doesn't see her and just doesn't want trouble with her.

My BF's daughter is 18 and an adult and my daughter is 15 a minor if this happens again should I call her mother and tell her "hey your daughter is 18 my daughter is 15 as an adult your daughter should have enough sense to not be bothered with a teenager"? The shame part to this is they both used to get along with each other, looking at all this I know his daughter is a bit jealous, I just tell my daughter to just keep doing what you are doing ignore her, but it kinda bothers me that she is 18 and pulling this stuff when my daughter hasn't done one thing to hate her. What should I do????

Ps. I'de go to my BF about this but he is afraid to say anything cause she might cry or never talk to him again, I know, yeah she kinda rules things.

Sorry it is so hard. She is probably all upset over the relationship and stuff, Have you thought of calling her up and asking her out for a coffee? or to a movie with just you?

that way you could casually talk about how pretty she is and the positives and how much your daughter misses the good relatioship her, and how you are looking forward to having her as a bigger sis for yuor daughter.(this may not all be true, but fantasy building of a situation can be useful and build good bridges!)

Yoiu could also ask her how she is feeling and say you are so sorry it must be hard all the relationships changing, and how much you want to support her.

If on the other hand you feel she needs a firmer word, say that your sorry she is hurt, but you expect her to behave like an adult and to leave your daughter alone, or else she risks being more cut off than she is already. Of course do not put it in those words!

Also suggest to your BF that NOT dealing with the situation does not mean he is acting in LOVE of his daughter but FEAR. and this will lead to manipulation and not respect or love, and by being afraid he risks losing her anyway. Its hard but he must make a stand, preferably before the marraige. She needs to know where the bounderies are, and he can reasure her he loves her. If she sulks, well its her problem, if she loves him truly she will come back, if not, well, she did not want the relationship as much as her pain and anger.

She may choose that for a while, but thats part of growing up. the more he lets go of her, the more chance she WILL comeback, and of her own freewill, so he will not be being controlled by her manipulation and spitfulness and his fear; ultimatly it will make both of them better people. Better for both of them and you!

Sorry it is so hard for you. Hope this helps.

Thank you for the advise and its nice to meet you. Well I would take her for coffee but she has been not the nicest girl in the world, plus she will only call if she needs money from her Dad.

The reason she doesn't come around anymore is because I told her in a very caring manner not to fall for a guy who has a GF and tells you he is going to break up with his GF for you.

This is something I would tell my own girls, their friends, my friends well anyone for that matter. She looked at me and just just walked out of the house. Things were very good between her and I and my girls, but she is the type that would give up everything for a guy, and I think she suffers from depression she has all the symptoms. Her parents wanted her to talk to a pastor but his daughter refused to go so they didn't push the issue.

His daughter is the type that can be rude and say not so nice things and if you go back at her she will cry, she hates the word no. When her BF broke up with her only after 3 months she was just a mess crying all the time and it was just hard to be around her unhappiness.

I am just at a loss cause I don't see anything changing. From what is told to me, she has always thrown herself when she can't get her own way and her being like this I think this is just her personality period. Her Mother has a jealous streak, can be bossy, and knows it all and we know the apple never falls far from the tree. I would love to just tell his daughter what a spoiled girl she is and I pitty whoever she marries cause its gonna be her way or the high way.

As for my daughter, she came clean with me how my BF's daughter made my daughter take all the blame for getting into our liquior cabinet so she can be with her BF. I was very upset cause I punished my daughter so hard and still to this day his daughter and this situation was never brought to her attention and never will be.

I got her a bedding set for her when she goes to college in the fall and her father took her out for Breakfast for her Birthday and she told him to tell me thank you, but my BF told her maybe you should call her or write a thank you to her and I guess she flipped out saying" I hate when you try to get me to do this kind of thing." Hey I bought a bedding set for my daughter, I just thought it would be the fair thing to do cause she will need some type of bed clothing. Anymore I just stay away but it burns me how rude she is and the only time she calls is for money. Plus the ex only calls for money she always wants to make sure THE CHECK was left in the mailbox and it always is, he seems to have no say so over her at all, she gets 600.00 a month. I remember his daughter would even ask him for his ex, WHERE IS THE CHECK Mom needs it, and I find that very tacky to put a kid up to that.

There is a lot going on here! I really feel for you. Underneath it all the main problem seems to be that you can't discuss this with your boyfriend. His daughter is exhibiting all of the typical resentments toward being, as she perceives it, forced to accept you. But why isn't your boyfriend more involved? You shouldn't be talking to mom/ex-wife about discipline for their 18-year old daughter -- it will only come off like a threat.

I think you should try talking to the daughter -- adult to adult. She's obviously been put in a terrble position by her own mother as the go-between for the child support. She is most likely extremely angry.

I urge you to have a long chat with your boyfriend about expectations with his daughter and yours. I also urge you to talk to his daughter, not as an authority figue, but as someone who is just there for her.

In the mean time, I wish you luck. I am here if you need to talk more!

Thanks for the response and advise, I have tried to talk to my BF but it and it always leads to a fight cause he just refuses to bring stuff up cause he feels she won't want anything to do with him and I understand this he is in a very bad situation but yet again him and his ex created this very selfish get my own way girl, its always easier to say yes, no is much harder. I told my BF why are you so scared she doesn't come around now and its been about a year nor does she call and if she does its cause she needs something, even on Father's day she never called him, so sad.

I always told her I am here for her not as a parent, just as extra support or if you can't go to your mom or dad I am here. It was very good for a about a year but the break up of her and her BF caused alot of hurt and she just took it out on everyone. I just stay out of it, I don't comment on anything, anymore an 18 year old is not worth getting upset over but that is his daughter and as long as I am with him she will be in the picture and it would be nice to get along but I don't see her in the long run changing she has a big jealous streak like her mother does, bah sad, life is to short for such anger.

A lot of girls in that age range are at the "breaking away" stage and want to prove they can be on their own. They don't want a parent any more. So I think you may just have to be patient and last through this for a year or two. Once she gets more stable on her own, and more confident, I imagine she'll be back and start renewing the relationship on adult terms.