BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Kids respecting parents...weird experience

Okay, I have to share an experience with you guys...it involved a big disagreement/bingo from my DH over the weekend, and I'm almost too ashamed to share it, but since it's sticking in my brain, well here I go.

We went out at night to a party with a band. At one point the DH went into a different room and was hanging out with some friends who were passing around a reefer. One of the people there was a single dad who had just picked up his young daughter for the weekend. They were barely hiding it from her, and of course the room was filled with smoke. I walked in and saw it, and was really uncomfortable about it. The girl (maybe about 7) was misbehaving (I didn't catch the whole thing, but that was clear), and her dad got [censored] at her and said "You need to respect me." I thought to myself, "Yeah right. You're exposing her to drug use, keeping her out at night at an obviously not family-oriented scene, and asking for her respect at the same time??" I don't blame her at all for misbehaving.

So, later that night at home my DH and I started talking about it, and I expressed my feelings to him. He got really snappy at me and said, "You don't have kids, so you shouldn't pass judgement. He was doing his best and he really tries hard, I can tell."

Obviously that shut me down hard, but still, I was fuming and totally disagree. I think anyone, parent or child, needs to earn respect before they get it. I mean geez...when I was that age I would have been going to bed by that time, in a quiet house, or if I was out with my parents at a dinner party on the rare special occasion, I would be put in the next room on a spare bed to sleep.

I certainly didn't share my 2nd experience with him that night ...a couple came into where the band was playing, with a young baby. It was well after 8 pm, and the band was so loud you couldn't hold a conversation. A little kid came strolling through with his hands clamped over his ears, and the baby's mother saw that and put the baby's hood up. We were standing right in front of a speaker! They looked like a very sweet family, but the evil judgemental side of me couldn't help but wonder if bringing a baby into that kind of noise, at night, was really very responsible.

I just had to say it. Sorry. I know it's judgemental of me...don't worry husband already had some words with me over it, so I wouldn't say this anywhere else but here.

Judgemental? What? Sounds like common sense to me! You do NOT expose kids to illegal substances! You do NOT endanger their health by exposing them to dangerously high levels of sound! (yes, blowing out their eardrums would affect their health badly). Maybe you should ask your guy why he's acting so defensive about it? Probably because he KNOWS that it was wrong to have a kid there but doesn't want to admit it.

How many times does it have to be said? Children=sacrifice! You can NOT live the way you did before having kids, dumbasses! Drinking drugs partying all night, that's GONE when you have kids unless you have a reliable sitter.

(edit, forgot the whole "respect" thing) You do NOT demand respect just because you're larger and older, you inspire it through your behavior. His behavior was disrespectful, so he gets a disrespectful response.

What Grey said! Absolutely!

That's one of the reasons (in my younger years) I gave for not having kids. I wanted to continue going to parties, being cool and having fun. I saw parenthood as something that would put a stop to all that. As it should. Parents have (or SHOULD HAVE) different priorities--at least while their children are minors. Sheesh.

You hit the nail on the head on that one. That was plain to see. I felt like his remark was a really low blow to get me off his back about his complicity in the whole thing. He actually brought up the scene later because he likes the little girl, and wanted to tell me how before I walked in he had been playing with her. My reaction was not too impressed with him. I'm glad he's sweet to kids and all, but come on. His response was SO defensive. He does that attacking thing sometimes when he knows he's wrong to get me to back off. It works...I have to just pick my battles with him, because I want to stay married.

Point that out to him, that instead of rationally talking about it to you that he's lashing out instead, turning it into an emotional battle instead of one that's actually discussing what's really going on.

Hmmmm. I will keep that in mind. I did say, "Why are lashing out at me like this?" It really bothers me that he would jump to this acquaintance's defense and attack his wife, who was just trying to point out the obvious.

We barely know this guy, and what we do know about him doesn't speak well of his character at all (there are some other disturbing stories of neglect or shadiness). His daughter is showing signs of problems to come, and it's not surprising at all. My first intro to her was that she came up and kicked my DH from behind...he thought it was funny and cute.

I swear, there is very good reason I'm CF!! I would be dealing with this [censored] all the time, and I knew it...I love him dearly, and he has many good qualities, but he is blinded by his ego sometimes and it would be very hard to raise kids with him.

Sorry, but getting high with your daughter in the room isn't "doing your best" - it's letting your child tag along while you try to re-enact your single life. I don't think that you have to be a parent to see that his parenting left a lot to be desired.

I also agree with you about bringing a baby to a loud concert - I'm sensitive to excessive noise myself, but at least I can choose to walk away...

I couldn't have said it any better than GreyDrakkon. I cannot believe that man was smoking weed around his kid, though I know it goes on. That's disgusting, and yes I will judge it as such. I don't have to know how hard that man "tries," because he's already miserably failing.

That kid has every right to withhold respect from her father, as well as any kid forced to grow up around a parent with a "Do as I say, not as I do" attitude, namely where DRUGS or other harmful substances/adult attractions are present.

And again you're right, Grey, in surfacing the whole "sacrifice" thing. That man should have chosen between having a kid and his precious weed before having the kid. If he didn't have a choice (i.e, wife "forgot" pill), he should at LEAST be man enough to make better choices on his weekends with his child than bring her to an adult party, again, especially where drugs are anywhere present.

Thanks you guys! It feels better to know that I'm not completely off base in my feelings, though it is troubling that my DH is so clueless about this.

Ditto for me, except -- tell your dh that I DO have a kid, and I KNOW that 1. you don't do things in front of your kid that you don't want your kid to do and 2. respect is a two-way street, and must be merited. If he was doing things that didn't merit respect, he was undeserving of it.

And, fwiw, I feel I have a respectful child -- but I also have adjusted my activities over the years to be age-appropriate. And sometimes that even meant not watching a show I wanted to see.