BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Wondering if I should keep doing MNK

Kim,

I'm sorry about your family loss. You're experiencing a unique pain in life, and I'm glad you told us. I pray and hope your family and friends surround you with love and support as you grieve through it. Of course, we're here, too, though because we're "virtual," we may not be much comfort. We hug you though.

You have to ultimately do what you feel is your calling, and if you're not getting fulfillment from MNK anymore, we'll understand.

I don't want you to go, but I can't ask you to stay if you don't like it anymore and if it's more hassle than it's worth to you.

MNK is by far the most controversial forum in Bella, so I'm sure you'd have quite a bit of whining, which I'm thankful you've diffused for us.

I'll respect your decision.

- Angela

Hi Kim

It is very distressing for me to read this post. Not because you are considering moving on from something that is taking up time and energy you need for the myriad other important and worthwhile things in your life. But because you are clearly disillusioned at the moment by the forum and perhaps feeling unsupported. All this amongst a backdrop of the loss of someone you love.

I know what you mean re the discussions sometimes becoming "bickery" in nature. I tend myself to withdraw when that happens - I don't like harshness and personally I am here not to focus on parents and what's bad with them, but to meet up with others who for one reason or another are childfree, and to discuss lifestyle issues and fears, doubts etc. Although there are times when I do get really wound up by society's attitudes ad perceptions about children and the childfree and will have a vent with the best of them.

I guess I feel there are two issues here. The first that you are genuinely feeling overwhelmed by the amount of work involved in being a moderator/editor and you are questioning what you want your focus to be in this next phase of your life. The second that you are feeling utterly fed up with some of the more aggressive moments in the forum lately.

I guess what I am trying to lead to is I hope the latter is not causing the former and I hope it's not the main catalyst for you potentially moving on. I know that most of the people in this forum are absolutely wonderful, supportive, and also appreciative of the children in their lives (even if they have chosen not to have their own).

And we appreciate you enormously. Like Happy, I would like to say you have made a real difference. Did you come up with the idea for the forum originally? I'll never forget the night I was sitting in bed with my laptop on wireless internet, google searching "childless", "decided not to have children", "no children" etc (I hadn't really heard of the term "childfree") and your MNK site came up. I couldn't believe my luck. I was going through SUCH a tough time emotionally about not being able to have children - because my husband didn't want to and we had fertility issues - and I felt so alone and confused. I started to read your beautifully written, insightful articles - I devoured the whole site in one evening. Then I emailed you to thank you and introduce myself (you may remember my long, over-enthusiastic email) and you wrote back. I was so thrilled.

And then to find from there the forum and all the conversations about things I'd struggled with alone for so long - wow, it was a miracle to me. It was like coming home.

All these people - Happy, Frieda, Cherry Red, Ingilbert, Myrabeth, Indigo, Pikasam, Angela, CF GAL, Cookiecody, Pinecone, Deborah, Greydrakkon etc etc (don't be offended if I haven't mentioned your name - this is meant to be merely an indication) - they are now part of my daily life and community - even though they live all over the world! This to me is constantly amazing.

These conversations and the sense of community and belonging - they keep me so strong in my CF stance, and I also find that everyone here is a kindred spirit in so many other things as well.

I'd like to beg you not to leave (although I know that's more than unfair and you must feel free to, in the knowledge that you have helped so many people) and to reinforce the suggestion that the work could be shared. I'd also like to truly beg that this forum never die - I would miss it immeasurably.

Sending heaps of love and hugs, Kim, and please make the decision that feels right for you. And thank you thank you thank you for all that you have done.

From the very bottom of FeeBee's heart.

I can only say "amen" to what the others posted above, but want to add this: if everybody (in any given forum) constantly agreed with each other, how boring would that be? For me, what makes a forum interesting is being exposed to all kinds of viewpoints and opinions, many of which may not be in harmony with my own. As long as each member maintains basic rules of behaviour, as I have said before, we can all agree to disagree. Yes, there will always be those who complain, but I thought a forum was meant to be a free exchange of opinion...
Thanks for your work, I can imagine it's not easy.

I too have gained a lot of knowledge and inspiration from this forum. I check in here virtually every day! It is good to talk to others who feel the way I do, who have struggled with similar issues and who have had to make the same, sometimes difficult and unpopular, choices. I fell upon this site quite by chance and have stayed around ever since.

It is inevtiable that strong personalities will clash every so often especially when a very pro-parent person drops in or someone comes along just to stir us all up. I think we all appreciate that we can be open here and say things that are supported here but that could, if said in our "Real" lives, cause us to lose friends, become ostracized at work or pitied by our families. This is a place where people who are not sure (or are very sure) that they do not want children can get support - a support that is at times not available within our typical support groups. This forum allows us to not feel as freakish as some parents or our families or our friends may make us out to be just because we do not want to be parents ourselves.

Kim - this site/forum is fantastic! We all appreciate your time and effort. If you feel that your time here is up, then we understand that but I think that many of us would like this site to continue even if it has to be with a new "leader", so to speak. I find your articles and links to be insightful, thought provoking and fun to read. They have really helped me in my stance. If you choose to go know that you will be missed but I would love to see this forum go on! You have to do what is right for you, in the real world, when you feel a change is needed.

Kim - sorry about your loss; it is such a difficult thing to go through and everything else in your life feels that loss. I hope you will find some comfort.

Everyone has said really good things and your time has been appreciated - I appreciate it greatly as well.

Kim, I'm sorry to hear about your loss...
I've been away so I'm not entirely sure what the complaints are about - I assume the "bickering" has something to do with an "intruder"...
I tend to dismiss these intrusions - like water off a duck's back...I just turn off...after years of "dodging the bullets" it's almost second nature.
I really don't mind who posts on the Board - but it's clear the odd poster has an axe to grind...however, the majority of parents that post are making genuine and sincere contributions.
A few always ruin it for the majority...
I can understand why the "few" upset some people...
I found this Forum late - I would have loved a group of like minded people in my life years ago - sometimes I felt very alone in my CF state - it's a topic that is rarely discussed openly for all sorts of reasons. I've found it refreshing to openly discuss these topics in a "safe" environment...I also, felt an older woman's perspective might help others - one firmly and forever on the CF side of the fence.
Like Feebee...I consider the participants of the Forum my like-minded friends...I really enjoy reading the posts and articles.
You only have to look at the number of posts in this Forum, the number of regular contributors to see it's a sorely needed Forum - it's really serving a huge need...
There are thousands of sites for parents - very few for the CF...
I stumbled upon another site recently that shocked me - quite militant, offensive language...not for me.
I think this Forum is wonderful in that the contributors are moderate, decent, well balanced and intelligent people...in fact, I think they're an impressive bunch - I'd have them over for dinner!
Thanks for your contribution Kim - you have to do what's right for you...

(((((Kim))))))! I'm so sorry about your loss; as you can see from the posts you are in all of our thoughts.

As others have said, you certainly have to do what is right for you. You have been a great moderator for the forum--your posts are always thought provoking and I love reading your articles too. Whether you stay, take a break, or decide to leave I hope you know that you did make an impact here and we would all miss you

I don't know what kind of complaints you are getting but I agree too that this board is for the most part incredibly supportive, full of humor and wit, and filled with some really cool people that I have grown so fond of over the months I've been a member. The only drama I've seen is when trolls come on the board and try to stir up trouble--but we're all pretty good at ignoring that and they certainly don't reflect the overall climate on the forum I've checked out lots of different message boards over the years and I will say that this forum is the ONLY one I ever became an active poster on, and that's because of the atmosphere here and all the great people, including you!

Good Luck and I hope you find the solution that's right for you

I can't add anything more. I've only been here a short time and I agree, the tone and civility of this forum is second to none. I think we have you to thank for that Kim.

I love a healthy debate but I can see how when a small point is nit-picked to death, can be exasperating to moderate, especially when dealing with major upheaval in your life.

Thank you for all your efforts.

I agree with the other posts. I'm sorry for your loss and difficulties. If you wish to stay on and get a co-moderator, that sounds like a wonderful way to go. I am new so I can't comment on busy forums (travel isn't too controversial yet) :-), but I also have other full-time responsibilities and I see how the work takes time.

In regards to derogatory posting, it is so easy for people to vent when they can't look an opponent in the eye. For your sanity, consider staying out the conversation much as possible, be neutral and positive, even if you feel strongly for or against. Stop the hostile ones quickly, and let it take off from there. Think of it as similar to company email etiquette in a full-time job.

I'm so sorry for your loss Kim. With that going on, and plus all your other commitments, I can understand why you'd feel overwhelmed and impatient about the MNK forum. Just one thought about why you might consider just taking a break for awhile, instead of completely leaving for good...I read something about the grieving process that said it's good to hold off on making drastic life changes (moving, changing jobs, etc.) while you're in the midst of grieving. It's normal to feel anger, sadness, and a sense of needing change, but it might be better in the long run to just take a break and evaluate your feelings again in 6 months or so before making any big decisions. But, if you do need to leave, I understand, and support you in doing whatever feels right to you.

Your articles were a godsend to me too when I first came here, and I will always be thankful to you for your involvement in CF issues, and writing about it. It's made a huge impact on my life, as this whole forum has.

It's really hard for me to respond evenly about what is going on with the complaining, without knowing the nature of the complaints. I also feel badly that one of those complaints was from me over the recent troll. I didn't realize there was the "notify" button and someone else who might deal with that.

I agree so much with what everyone else said...as always. I love this forum, and have grown attached to the other members. I would be really sad if it ended. I realize this issue is one of the more controversial ones on Bella, but that's why we ended up here in the first place, because elsewhere in our lives our feelings are met with disbelief, lack of understanding, judgements about our character, and other forms of negativity. I thought this forum was here for that reason, and to help us deal with that, and it has done that for me in a huge way. It seems natural that we would arouse those feelings in parents here, since that's what we experience all the time in the world. I don't expect parents who come here to suddenly understand and support us, because if it doesn't happen in real life, why would it happen here? But at least here we have the safety net of each other to help us deal with it.

And I have to admit, there is part of me that feels hurt by your posts the last couple days. I have been pouring my heart out here. I can understand that you don't have time to read our extensive posts, but I wish you could at least see that many of us have put a lot of time and effort into sharing our experiences here, and don't feel like we're here primarily just bickering. I'm sorry if my posts come off that way, and that I may have been reactive to various parents posting here.

I kind of thought that it was okay to break down posts and respond to things that make you think or wonder about your internal reactions, (as long as it was done politely of course) because never before in life have I had a group of people who understand how I feel when parents make comments that are hurtful, even when they don't intend them to be. We are free to cut and paste parts of each other's posts and examine or respond to lines that hold special meaning to us, so to me it feels unfair that if someone says, "I'm a parent" suddenly we would have to tiptoe around them. I don't think any of our responses to the recent parents (the ones who are not at all trolls) were intentionally rude or meant to offend. Examining why it would bother us when people say, "You shouldn't have kids if you're not ready," is exactly the kind of reason I came here in the first place. It's really helped me to look closer at my reactions to things like that, so that I can handle them better in the future, and hopefully let them slide off my back like a duck (love that expression Deborah).

I don't think most parents are necessarily trying to be mean or cop a superior attitude, but it does happen, and this forum has really helped me to understand why that happens, and how to respond reasonably in real life instead of just internalizing it and letting it affect my confidence and self esteem.

Since I've been a member here, I've noticed you are not one of the more involved posters in the forum, and haven't had much time to devote to it. I understand that you're busy, but it sounds like it's also been more than that...your interest in the topic is waning.

I'm trying not to take it personally, but it did kind of feel like your response about the complaining/bickering was kind of a slapdown to all of us who are participating a lot, and felt like we were being productive in some way. I really have tried to be polite and courteous to anyone who is not outwardly cruel to us. It hurt my feelings to hear that not only do you not read our posts, but that you're feeling sick and tired of the whole direction of our discussions. I was finding them fascinating and groundbreaking, so that was distressing to hear. I feel relieved that others are not feeling that way, or I'd be moving on as well.

Sorry this is so long. Yesterday I couldn't type so I've been aching to respond. I was involved in a bit of an accident over the weekend...a glass bowl fell on my hand and I had to get stitches in two fingers. It doesn't hurt anymore though, and I was able to take off the big dressing today, so I'm back!