BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Another SAHM in the works

But you can't live a marriage thinking "I need to do this in case my marriage doesn't work" - because then (I believe) you are setting yourself up for your marriage to fail.[/quote]

I don't agree with you on this statement, either. Realizing that my husband isn't some Godlike figure that would never let me down was something I needed to do to make our relationship stronger - I needed to be stronger instead of relying on him.

I'm not saying that you think these things about your husband or yourself, but for me it was an important step in our relationship to realize that our love might NOT last forever.

We take out house insurance to cover us in the event of fire or theft etc. Does that increase our odds of home invasion or a fire? No, it just means you're covered (hopefully) if you ever need it...
We take out life, accident & illness insurance - Does that set us up for injury, disease or death? - No, it's just there if you ever need it - a little peace of mind.
Sadly about half of all marriages will fail (in Australia anyway)- if the chance of my house burning down was roughly 50% - there is no way I'd bypass house insurance.
Protecting yourself is never harping on the negative - it's just being prepared for the unexpected, pay your premium and get on with life.
Your substitute teaching is IMO your bit of insurance - your "keeping your foot in the door"...so that you could support yourself and your kids if need be...
Having a special needs child would make it more difficult to think of and cater for your own needs - it's great that you've been able to do some teaching with all of your responsibilities.
I suppose my attitude was formed after seeing and hearing of so many LT SAHM's being seriously disadvantaged after divorce (or the death of a partner) during my 26 years in legal practice.
I think "keeping a foot in the door" is an insurance policy on your future quality of life in the event of divorce. (or the death of your husband, bankruptcy...basically, changed circumstances)
I really don't think keeping your own (& your kids) security/interests in mind sets you up for divorce.

I definitely didn't mean to imply that going to college or having skills was a bad thing.

I guess what I was trying to say is that going to college for the reason of "I better do this in case my marriage fails" as opposed to "This is something I really want to do with my life" is a negative thing.

Does that make sense? (There are times that I can't figure out how to say in typing what I want to say).

Yes, I understand - I agree that the "fear" of your marriage ending shouldn't be the sole motivation for anything you do in life - the added security is a bonus. There are lots of benefits flowing from a university or other course, a PT job, casual work etc - self-improvement, confidence, independence, pride...
AND, I think if you do something you enjoy, something that interests you - it's so much easier - I know during the most difficult years of my career with a huge workload and lots of stress, I never lost my love or interest in the area.
It makes a huge difference!

I just look at my grandma, who quit her job after she got pregnant (not sure if she had to or chose to - I know my other grandmother went back to work after she had my mom.)

Anyway, from the day she became a SAHM (which was the norm back then) she didn't ever do anything for herself. Everything was for her family. I think part of it was that my grandfather was controlling.

She became 100% reliant on him for money, etc. He told her what to do, she did it. She never got a job, she never did ANYTHING with her life except be a SAHM.

He died very suddenly of a heart attack. From that point on, her life was pretty much nothing. Sure, she had money from his pension and stocks and things like that, but what good does money do you if you don't know how to live your life any differently? She couldn't do anything for herself. She'd never learned how to drive because she had used to ride a motorcycle (not joking here.) I know my dad and uncle tried to get her to try new things, but she was too scared because she'd never had to think for herself. She became totally reliant on her family, which ended up pushing her sons away, and, eventually, her grandchildren. Of course, we helped out and visited, but it was never enough for her. Why? Because she was bored and lonely, and with no one to take care of, she didn't have a clue what to do with her life.

She lived in that suspended animation for about 20 years.

Then she moved to an assisted living place and has kind of become the unofficial "checker-upper" of her floor. She calls her friends to remind them of dental appointments, she is in charge of the birthday party decorating, she organizes all kinds of stuff.

She's more active now than ever. Nine times out of ten I get her answering machine when I call because she's involved in something.

But she literally did NOTHING with her life until she was 78 except be a housewife. She had no skills. She didn't even finish high school because she had to work to help support her parents. Of course, now she's taking all kinds of classes and doing things she never dreamed she would.

But I don't want to wait until I'm 78 to have a life. I don't think any woman should have to wait to have a life.

That is why you need to have something to fall back on. Because at the end of the day, if a SAHM hasn't been doing something with her life, she'll end up with nothing. Kids grow up and move away, and then what do you have? You have lots of memories of raising your kids and that's about it. I know that's not going to happen for most SAHMs, but for those women who become SAHMs because they don't feel like working, that's their future. Why? Because they won't attempt to maintain their skills.

These are just my thoughts, but I had/have a friend I used to be really close to who does hold a paying job, but not because she enjoys it, it's just for her family. Her husband uses her, her kids use her and she does very little to change it, because she was raised that way.

I couldn't stand being caged that way, I would go crazy. I am growing into a new life, and scared as hell, but at least that's not on my shoulders.

I can see both sides here. I have a friend who has a Masters degree, worked in advertising then had twins. She and her DH chose for her to stay home because to pay for 2 kids in daycare would have taken her entire salary...so what is the point in that? She has since then had child #3 (these kids are lovely kids who are actually pleasant to be around) and this choice was the right one for my friend(s). Her parents were furious when she made the decision to be a SAHM because they felt she was wasting all of her education. They've sort of gotten over it but still aren't thrilled that she is a SAHM.

However, I do know of other friends who wanted to be SAHMs so that they did not have to go to work...kind of a get out of jail free card...and they had no qualms in letting me know that one of the reasons they had kids ASAP was so they could stop working and rely on dear old hubby. Sounds shifty to me. I'm surprised more men aren't irritated by this. That is a lot of pressure for a guy to be the sole breadwinner for an entire family in these strange financial times. I would not want to feel that pressure and don't want it for my DH either. Does anybody else ever think this way?

I've heard of this too, but I think they are fooling themselves if they think it will be easy street to stay home. Staying home all day with children demanding every second of your existence, plus still having to take care of them at night, I bet they wish they DID have a job somewhere else just to get away from the kids!

Well, I must admit, I would love to be a SAHM (for my kitty!) and work more on my writing..actually make progress on the book I've been itching to write. However, I would go insane just sitting at home with nothing to do and/or only children to be with, and I don't think women should use the kid card as an excuse not to work. If they don't want to work, they should be honest about it and not bring a child into the world for that reason only.

As for the discussion on the wife putting all financial responsibilitiy on the hubby....I would never do this to my hubby unless I was sick or something. That is just who I am though...independent. I think it is important for the woman to stay in the workforce at least part time as you never know when you will need to make it on your own. Keeping a part time job will keep you prepared. I would not marry my ex until I finished college and had a full time job. I wanted to know I could support myself. Plus, having a job keeps you mentally sharp and in touch with the world.

However, I would go insane just sitting at home with nothing to do and/or only children to be with, and I don't think women should use the kid card as an excuse not to work.

That is the heart of my issue with the situation, I was raised in a family where a woman is an equal, and a equal partner, not an object. It disgusts me that her whole life is around her family, she keeps no time for the outside world. Apparently, my friendship doesn't make the cut of things that matter, so go on, get out of my life. Just be your family's doormat, and your husband's, she actually told me once she has sex on demand, and he called her once wanting to know when she was coming home (I was there) because he "needed" sex. Given that he sees her every day and I'm lucky if I see or talk with her twice a year, I would have kicked my husband's butt if he pulled that.

Equal partner, and respect, are key.