BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Husband=One Big child

I'd suggest you get a cleaner and ask him to pay for it.

You do all the chores - well I would suggest you don't do anything and go on strike.. however chances are, he'll be more happy to live in filth than you...

In terms of the cooking though.. STOP NOW.. stop it and don't feel guilty... eat a sly sandwhich and then declare you aren't hungry so if he wants to eat something he can...

and don't wash any of his clothes as say it's not fair.. you want 50/50...

You're only creating a rod for your own back and the longer you do all the housework, the harder it will be for him to pull his finger out and take some responsibility for himself.

As for the argument.. it sounds like he's more in control than you are - you text, he doesn't reply.. you want him to talk.. he chooses not to.. do you feel that you care about the marriage more than him? if so, he might feel that because of this fact, he can screw you around and you'll accept it as you care more..

I would take this 'power' away from him and make it very clear that unless things change you WILL split with him.. e.g. say 'I've been looking at divorces'... I'm not saying split with him - that's obviously your choice.. but you need to 'shock' him into realising if he doesn't start pulling his weight and treating you with respect, he will lose you.

I do the washing and the cleaning as I pay less rent than my partner.. he earns more than me so I prefer having slightly more disposable income and don't mind cleaning or doing the washing...

If he cooks, I wash up.. if I cook, he washes up and we both deal with bills .. 50/50...

Once, about 3 years ago he moaned as he wanted me to put some chips in the oven.. I took the [censored] out of him SO SO SO much .. he's never, ever been stupid enough to moan about such things since...

I'm leaning with Linux Lady on this, and I have to say, do I have the ONLY guy who doesn't act like a jackass to me every day? Maybe because he knows better. If he walked away from me when I was talking to him, he'd wonder where that anvil came from that knocked him out. I don't have to whine threaten or beg him to do laundry or whatever chores need to be done. I do more cooking than he does, but he claims he doesn't know how (plus he has a herniated disk, so standing to cook after standing at work hurts him.) The thing is, I KNOW if our positions were reversed and I was the one in pain, he'd be the one stepping up. I wouldn't be worrying that it'd never get done if I wasn't there to do it.

Hi yorkiesRcool,
There is a wise old saying. It goes, "You teach people how to treat you."

Your husband probably feels like he hit the jack-pot with you. He gets to behave in what ever way he chooses and you are there to support his actions. Seems you are losing patience with his "One Big Child" attitude which appears to have grown out of control for you. I am guessing that his childish behavior was acceptable to you at one time. Maybe even endearing?

As a certified life coach here is what I see happening and the power questions I would ask you:

When you chose to walk down the isle with this man, is this what you signed up for?

Do you feel you have grown during the course of your relationship? If so, in what ways?

Has your husband exhibited signs of growth during the course of your relationship? If so, in what ways?

Was it your intention to marry a Big Child?

Here's the deal, as tough as it may sound. It seems like you are ready for a mature relationship and would love for your husband to join you, equally. What he needs most from you right now is a serious conversation about what marriage means to each of you and the way you see the rest of your adult life unfolding. Do you have the same goals and expectations from marriage? Did they start out the same and then begin to shift?

At this point in time, your husband may have no inkling of what it is you really expect from him. He will remain in the dark and continue behaving in the ways that you have accepted in the past until you clearly spell it out for him what you would like to see evolving. Sometimes men really do want to evolve, but don't know how. Sometimes they feel threatened by a change in the relationship and will struggle to maintain their position. At this point it is up to you to lay things clearly out on the table.

You deserve a wonderful marriage with a man who is on the same full color page as you are. I wish the best for you.

Shay

I hate that if you tell a Giant Baby the things he HAS to do , you are "nagging" him . Then when they want to be intimate they don't realize that being a giant baby is one of the biggest friggin turn offs imagenable!

"yes I totally want to get busy with you after I just wiped the your pee off the toilet seat since you didn't care about doing that yourself (or whatever gross chore you can concuct)"

there is nothing less sexy then a Giant Baby, you can't associate your partner with sex if you are taking care of him like an infant! You'd thought the doods would try to avoid this as much as possible right????

Thanks for all the advice. As Anatasia told me he would come home, well he did. Well i ignored him for 20 mins and then he came into our office to tell me that he is sorry for taking me for granted. I told him i was sorry for not giving him more responsibility around the house and with chores. He actually asked me what he could do to help. I pointed several things out and he said that he will do them. After talking I told him that i feel he doesn't value his end of the deal as much as I do. He reverted by saying that he actually does he doesn't know what to do. Meaning he doesn't know where to start around the house. Well we are buying a new house i mentioned in my original post. I told him I have accepted the fact that I will end up cutting the grass etc. He seemed offended and told me that he would do it and that i need to have more faith in him. It does help to talk about it.
this is not the most devastating thing in a marriage, (I can think of loads of other possible bad things) however, enough is enough sometimes. Even something as taking all responsiblity really rags on a person's emotional state.

Is it possible that you've disempowered him over the time you've been married? That he's got to the point where he doesn't do stuff because you nag him, then do it yourself, and claim that he took too long and he never does it right anyway?

The power of positive reinforcement shouldn't be underestimated for guys. I liken it to training a dog - if you want something done, ask them to do it, wait until they do it, and then reward the behaviour. It seems pretty rude to compare a guy to a dog, I know, but hey ... whatever works. It sounds like you've got to the point where you just do it - you don't ask him, and he feels useless. And believe it or not, the greatest motivator for a guy is to be needed. Give him stuff to do, be happy when he does it, and you might find a whole new outlook on life.

Good luck!

I think a lot of us are married to men HOPELESS in the house or is it that 90% of men are that way?
My DH's mother and sister did everything for him growing up AND he's an untidy person - he has lots of great points but he's untidy - FACT. I also, accept that I have higher standards in the house.
I decided early in our relationship that we could argue all the time or I'd just do it...
My DH just doesn't notice mess - he would eventually tidy up but by that time, I'd be tearing my hair out...
I should say my DH works long hours - he was also, amazingly attentive when I was bedridden for months on end with glandular fever...so, I know he's a good man at lots of levels.
So, our solution - I do the housework - he handles outside...
My DH would be happy to get a cleaner but I always felt that was crazy for 2 people - I'm starting to think differently there...
I handle all the Bills, finances, tax stuff, investment stuff...
About 10 years ago I started working as a Consultant so, after each matter I take off a few days and pamper myself - a massage, some shopping...my reward.
I also, travel lots with my job so my DH knows exactly what I do - he had to call me in Tokyo last year because he couldn't start the "new" washing machine - the machine was 5 years old! and I had shown him how to operate the machine, but he tends to turn off when he's not interested...
I know there is a mad scramble before I return - the house obviously deteriorates during my absence and there is a marathon effort before I walk in the door...our neighbour once heard our vacuum cleaner going at 1am - she wasn't complaining, she thought it was funny.
So, my advice - stop doing everything (so he stops taking you for granted) and then come to an arrangement with him...
Don't carry on and get angrier and angrier...
My grandmother used to say, "Don't do anything the first year of your marriage that you don't intend to do for your entire marriage"...lots of women think it's romantic to rush about and "look after" their man - that soon wears thin!
Thankfully he always flushes the toilet!
Oh, and don't raise the topic when you're angry or upset - my DH is a quiet and reserved man so he tends to turn off in those circumstances - I'd write down a fair distribution of housework (taking into account your likes and dislikes) and raise the matter with him calmly...then I'd stick to my guns so if his job is recycling - let it hit the ceiling - then he'll remember it's his job!
Good luck - Gee, it's a big issue in so many marriages.

Deborah, I wish I had known the 1st year rule! After our first year of living together, we had to have the talk. Basically, I'm not your mother, I work FT, you need to help.

I have to say my guy has really stepped up. After I taught him the basics of laundry, he now does it. And does a better job than me. I cook and he cleans up afterward. Since we are in a better place financially, we have someone in to clean. But, before that I hadn't cleaned a toilet in 15 years!

I probably still do more but all I ever have to do is ask. And anytime I don't feel like cooking, we order in, go out or just throw a frozen pizza in the oven. I have learned not to nag. He knows he's supposed to clean up after dinner and he WILL get to it. (Just never right away) But I deal, and say nothing. He usually takes care of all the shovelling in the winter and the outside work in the summer too. He's building our a stone base right now so he can erect our garden shed on it. Something I would never do. I would hire it out.

When I went away, he took care of everything just fine and the house looked great when I got back. I think I might be in the 10% where my dh does do 1/2 (almost ). And he's nice to me to boot!

Yes, I agree with everyone who has made the point that if one partner takes sole responsibility for a chore, the other will rarely use common sense and suggest helping out. Unless they are asked/nagged to. I think that may be human nature.

The following is an example, and I am not a particularly lazy person....DH tends and maintains a vegetable garden in our yard. he tills the soil, plants the seeds, fertilizes, weeds, transplants, etc. He like how relaxing it is on the weekends. I have never really helped because it is "his baby." Anyhoo...This week, he was working too hard to tend to it and the week before we were away. So many plants went to seed this week because they weren't harvested. DH told me today that he was disappointed that I never picked any last week and saved them.

Following on from what everyone has been observing about people on this thread, it didn't occur to me because I thought of the vegetable garden as DH's domain and he didn't remind me to pick any. So now, I have promised to go tomorrow and help out and pick what I can (albeit a bit late...) I feel bad, but I suppose in this instance, I'm like the husbands who don't help with the housework!

So I do think the partner who needs help should direct, train and set expectations for the other to follow, as Yorkies did. I'm glad it's working out for you, Yorkies--the cooperative outcome must be a big relief. You seem to have received good advice and you've taken sensible steps to get the help you're looking for.

I never considered myself lazy untill I got married. I always took care of my own home, and did everything. But having someone around who does everything, before I even really think about it, is really nice. And it just makes us complacent.

Before I knew it, the house was clean, dinner was ready, and everything was done. I blinked and it was done, and I didn't do [censored] to help. It took me a bit to finally understand how wrong this was, and to start helping.

Do what my wife did, lay down the law. Give him chores. If you cook. He cleans. If he doesn't want to clean... then cook a meal for yourself. If he never helps with laundry... don't do his laundry.

It took tough love to realize that my wife did everything, but it was the best thing she could have ever done.