BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Husband=One Big child

This is kind of long here goes need advice...
I got on this new house kick 3 weeks ago. My husband and i are perfectly happy in our townhome, until my downstairs neighbor (we call her fugly [censored]) puts a note on my door complaining about my barking dog. We have had problems with this neighbor for 3 years now, so i get on this kick of finding a real house.

I get my husband all excited about the house with a yard, fence, etc. I told him I will handle the finacning, closing etc. He will owe me big time at moving.
I am really stressed out!!! I have had lender problems and then I need to find a renter for our townhouse. Lets face it, it is not a graet time to sell. SO i am stressed out majorly.
Well my husband DOES NOTHING AROUND THE HOUSE. I cook, clean, wash his nasty underwear, take care of his dog, etc, etc, etc.
I even flush the toilets for him when he is done, he just leaves it. Well today i am on the phone making a call to fix the microwave in our townhome for the renters when they move in next month. I call my husband from the other room to help put dishes away etc, while i get off the phone. He gets upset and says where is my breakfast and sugar for my coffee!! I just look at him as if he had lobsters crawling out of his ears.
Fine i go to the store and get the damn food and come home and i yell at him at how stressed out and upset i am. He just ignores me and walks away. "I am going in to work" he says. He just storms out on me. He will not return my text messages and refuses to talk to me. And who should be upset here? He finally did send me a text and said he is spending the night with his brother so we can both calm down.
I could kill him now. What does that mean to calm down? If he is upset about something he refuses to talk about it. He always walks away. Any advice out there? I feel that he does not care enough about the marriage to even talk about it, somehow it will magically get better.

Yorkies, I'm sorry you're having such a stressful day.

I recall you have posted before that you feel your husband does not contribute and help around the house. The toilet thing is just GROSS! How has it degenerated to this? Have you always taken care of him? What would happen if you just stop?

I have a question first: do you work?

we both work full time and he works a weekend job. I have always taken care of things, i just can't do it anymore

He has never left for an entire evening, so if he does not come home i am not sure if he will ever come home. I don't know what to do, plus i have to meet the new renters tomorrow and we have 2 houses now that we own (closing on new one in 2 weeks) i do not need this right now

It sounds like you are a take charge person and both of you seem hard working.

When your husband comes home and is ready to talk. Don't call or text him at his brother's tonight. Wait until he is ready to come home, and then have a calm talk with him.

Tell him you are stressed, you feel overwhelmed, and you did not sign up to be anybody's mother and you don't want that from a husband. You want a partner, a lover and a friend. Ask him how he can help make this happen. If it comes from him, he will recognize how he is acting and hopefully your relationship will move forward on a more equal basis.

Hang in there. Tonight will be tough.

Don't worry. This seems like a power play. He WILL come home.

Thanks Anatasia. I think i need to stop doing so much around the house and errands etc. If it doesn't get done, then i need to take a different attitude toward it all.
We have had this discussion before several months ago, i told him i am sick and done.
oh he just sent me a text he is on his way home now. what do i do with someone who clams up and refuses to talk

Maybe write him a letter and leave an empty sheet for him to respond to it? Seems goofy, but I know someone who gets her best "conversations" out of her fiance when they email each other, since they're both actually absorbing the message instead of being busy defending or thinking of the next thing to say back.

Excellent. See, I told you he would come home.

My dh is pretty closed up. Just listen. Let him take his time talking and if you just sit and look at him, he will talk. Oh, and let him come find you when he arrives home. Don't pounce on him as soon as he walks in the door.

Being calm and not accusing is very important. Just tell him how you feel and NOT what he is doing wrong. He will just feel attacked and you will get nowhere. Ask him for help. I think you will be pleasantly surprised at how much he will step up because you told him that you need him. They need that, the big lugs.

I agree with Anastasia. My DH hates to talk about anything regarding feelings. He is also notoriously bad about doing things around the house, even when I ask him. I've had a lot of success with just pointing out how uneven the workload was and breaking it up into more of a partnership - not talking about how I felt about it. I figured out that he needs to see there are consequences to his laziness. For example, don't wash his clothes; he'll wash them when he's tired of wearing dirty ones. It's worked for me, and all I had to do was keep silent - which was pretty difficult.

LOL. That is the really hard part for me. Keeping quiet!