BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Another SAHM in the works

It's not about making money or having a job. It's about working hard for such a long time towards something that you really want, achieving that goal, then turning your back on it - possibly forever.

I guess you've got to do something between the time you graduate from high school and the time you have kids. I always thought I wanted to be a mom and thought I'd get married young and do that. It dind't work out that way and now I'm incredibly happily married, but that didn't happen until I was 31. My mantra in college was that I didn't want to become an architect b/c that would mean 5 VERY hard years in school, followed by long hours and a really competitive work environment. I didn't want to put all of that work into something while at the same time planning to give it up. I was never really career oriented. I wish someone had said to me "You never know what will happen. You have to pick a career that you will like. You may or may not have a baby!"

One much- disliked female talk show host called it the female escape route. Men don't get to say that they want to be dad's when they grow up. They have to pick a career.

Pinkbows,
That's a very good point about it being "the female escape route." When life gets too stressful I sometimes think, "I wish I just decided to be a SAHM like all my cousins. It would have been so much easier!"

It's not easier, of course. Being a SAHM would be very stressful for me. But at least you get to work from home, which I would like to be able to do. Unfortunaetly, it doesn't PAY, which we need. Plus, there's kids, which I don't want.

My two cousins are getting married this year. They'll turn 21 and 23 this summer. The 22 year old is graduating college with a nursing degree (and the 20 year old still has 3 semesters to go. I hope she finishes college. They both are fortunate to have parents who could afford to pay for their college, though they did live at home.

The one whose getting married tomorrow said at her shower, "All our friends say we'll probably have ten kids!" and laughed like that was the greatest thing ever. I wanted to shake her. You're only twenty years old. You can't even legally drink a champagne toast on your own wedding day! Your parents are paying for your college education. Some of us are still struggling to put ourselves though school in our 30's & 40's! Do you have any idea how lucky you are? Don't throw this all away!

But she will. The difference between her and her mother is that her mother knew all she wanted to do with her life was be a SAHM. She had a hope chest full of baby clothes in her teen years. She never went to college. But she and her sister are going to college. I know it's very un PC to say this, but it makes me wonder why they are even bothering to get their degrees at all.

Actually, I take that back, her older sister is going to work in a neo-natal unit at a local hosptial. She's interned there and her job is lined up. She get her degree next month. The younger one was supposed to wait till she got her degree before she married (like her sister did) but she jumped the gun. It's too bad.

I admit to having fleeting feelings like this too, and it's not something I'm exactly proud of. My DH has always been mocked and pressured for not having a "traditional" career that would support me having children (he's an artist). Sometimes it rocks my confidence a little bit that I haven't achieved this ultimate woman's entitlement of being a SAHM.

But then I think about all the years I've worked, continuously starting from age 14, and I know that it's been a choice, and I could never stop anyway. Just watching kids and cleaning the house would bore me out of my skull, and I would be anxious to get back to some sort of money-earning. It's the just the way I am. (Though I would do it out of my home, like I do now). I did my share of babysitting, and I know how dull it is. Can you imagine that being your life's work? Ug!

I was thinking last night about how women have a baby to force a man to take care of them and marry them. I started imagining what it would be like to be 20, and to suddenly have a baby in your house, and a husband, as your first experience after moving out of your parents' house. It would feel like babysitting and sneaking the boyfriend over, but without the illicit rush. Then I thought, how boring that would be to basically resign yourself to 10 years straight of that situation as your life goal. It's like never moving on from high school. It makes sense that a guy would feel trapped by that and not want to be at home very much.

I would NEVER want to have to beg my DH for money to buy something, or even have him have to "give me" an allowance. No WAY! Maybe if I was married to George Clooney or some other hot hunk who had endless resources, that would be one thing, but still, I'd be bugging him to help me set up my own business so I had a purpose beyond being arm-candy, and wasn't completely dependent. Or better yet, I'd do like Melinda Gates and start a nonprofit, charitable foundation.

Long term SAHM's put themselves in a vulnerable position - we all think our relationships will last a lifetime - in fact, a large number fall by the wayside.
I have seen many SAHM's facing divorce at 40, 45 or 50 and looking at making a fresh start with stale/out of date qualifications, experience and references - many are terrified.
In many cases the wives stayed at home because their husbands thought it was the best idea. Rarely would a man accept such a vulnerable position. In these cases when a third party enters the scene the ex husband often couldn't care less what his ex-wife does, as long as it doesn't cost him...
I say to all women keep your foot in the door, do refresher courses or work part time so that you're always in a position to support yourself and your children and make a new life for yourself if need be...
Many women end up working in low paying jobs or dead end jobs struggling to make ends meet...in many cases their financial security is compromised over the long term.
Many women think that a divorce settlement will "set them up for life" - that is usually not the case. So many men are able to avoid their financial obligations to ex wives and their children - working overseas, working for cash, hiding assets...this is a lot easier when the wife has allowed the husband to handle all the finances.
I also, think that being financially dependent on a man can change the dynamics of a relationship and the likelihood of growing apart increases...I once read that dependent wives are more likely to forgive affairs and other unacceptable behaviour because they feel "they have too"...and the men accept that their poor behaviour won't lead to negative consequences.
I'm fiercely independent and have always supported myself - I would have been unhappy as a long term SAHM - I need the stimulation, security, challenge and discipline of work.
I also, understand that some women love staying at home and caring for their kids.
Still, I would always recommend that women maintain their work/life skills just in case....think of it as a bit of insurance.

I don't know how many times I've heard "You are wasting yourself" I heard this in college when I told a boss that I wanted to be a teacher - he felt I was a talented programmer. I just heard this from a woman who is one of my customers just a few weeks ago. She felt with with my college degrees, I could really be something better with myself than working from home & making just enough money to get by.

I've decided no matter what I do, I will always hear that. Why are you teaching when you could be making six figures designing websites? Why are you designing websites when you could be happier doing something creative? blah blah blah

Somethings, it appears to people that someone has turned their back on something they really loved doing, but maybe they are just taking the scenic route or something.

Personally, even though I'm technically not using my degrees, I'm happy I have my education. It's something I can always go back to - especially teaching. Teaching is great because teachers are needed all over the world. I wouldn't mind teaching in a developing country again.

Ok, that's my 2 cents. I'll go take a nap now

Kudos to you for teaching, Jeannie. I could never do it, but I have the utmost respect for people who do. I personally think teachers and nurses are the most underappreciated people in the world.

As for the job ... my take on work is that if I have to spend 45 hours a week doing something, it had better be something I enjoy, or at least don't mind. And SAHM would NOT have been something I enjoyed, so that was that. Plus the fact that it's not a put in your hours and go home sort of job - it's a 24/7 for life, and I just have way too much other stuff to do ...

If people want to be SAHMs, good for them. But be honest about it ... don't go to college and take up a space that could be used by a career-oriented person, waste everyone's time and money, and then turn your back on it. If anything, people planning to have kids young would be better suited to having the kids first and going to school later - your skills would be more relevant, and your work ethic better, when you got there.

But you can't live a marriage thinking "I need to do this in case my marriage doesn't work" - because then (I believe) you are setting yourself up for your marriage to fail.

I'm in my 2nd marriage, and I am a SAHM, mostly because my oldest child (the one with Asperger's) needs me on an irregular basis, and there's no way an employer would put up with the amount of time I would need to take off to deal with, not only regular medical stuff, but the emergencies that crop up, too.

I have done some substitute teaching, because that fits in better - but it's not what I dream of doing with my life. I actually do want to be a teacher - but I want to teach music - and that will take several more years of college, and not the over the computer courses.

But I chose to have children, and one just happened to be born with special needs, so I have to make a few more - or different sacrifices than some other moms have to make.

If that's how you thought, that would probably be right. It's more a case of wanting to do it: to expand your life, to keep in touch, to do something meaningful (outside the kids), and as an afterthought to have a fallback in case things don't work out. Although realistically, 50% of marriages are not going to work out. Gambling your financial future on those sorts of odds is a risk in anyone's book...

>If people want to be SAHMs, good for them. But be honest about it ... don't go to college and take up a space that could be used by a career-oriented person, waste everyone's time and money, and then turn your back on it.

Well, I always wanted to be a SAHM, but I think that going to college is a good thing for those who feel the need (whether intellectually or emotionally or whatever) for further education. Yeah, I was a programmer, and yeah, I left that job. I am not sure I wish to go back to programming, to be honest.

But to me, an education is never a waste. You may not use it in the way you originally thought you would, but it can still come in handy.

I'm a SAHM who is now in the position of seeing her child graduate and to go college -- and trying to decide what to do. I have a variety of skills that were honed while being a f/t mom, skills that have occasionally used some of my specific knowledge from college, but more often have used the general knowledge acquisition and analytical skills.

There have been many times during my time as a SAHM and homeschooling mom that I've used parts of my education that I never thought were useful - something I've been able to point out to my son. (He never asks me what use it is to learn something, because he knows the answer!) Who knows what tomorrow will bring?