BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids impact of children

Okay, I know I've shared many times about my family situation - my parents are raising their grandson b/c my sister is a complete trainwreck? I know I've also shared my parents are in their late 50s. And they are always stressed out with all of the chaos, stress and noise that comes with my nephew, even though they love him very much, and even stressed by my sister, who is constantly fighting with them, dumping on them and making their lives miserable. It's not just that she's dumping my nephew on them, she's constantly having problems in life b/c her life revolves around partying. She's a nightmare! My Dad is constantly freaking out and screaming, which was something he did when we were young, too. Kids drive him nuts, but he really should be done with parenting by now. He's getting ready to retire.

Well, he was admitted to the hospital for chest pains this past weekend, and they are going to have to at the very least put a stint in his heart. They don't know how serious this is yet, but we are all concerned. And the first thing that comes to my mind, and to that of my other sister, is that my nephew's mother needs to start caring for her child! When will this nightmare end? My Dad doesn't want to be doing this, and it is literally impacting his health. He visited my DH and I in January, and he didn't freak out once. He was very calm and enjoyed himself. But all of the craziness that comes with an 8 YO puts him over the edge. Plus, he has a very stressful job. But it wouldn't be that bad if he wasn't dealing with his grandson every night after work, on top of everything else. He wants to be a grandparent, not a parent.

I talked to one of my aunts about this, and she teaches small children so she's totally nuts about kids. I told her that this is killing my Dad, and she said that the reason my parents are stressed out is b/c of my sister, not my nephew. She does add to the situation, but they ARE stressed out b/c of my nephew. And it IS a problem. My aunt also said that the reason my parents are doing so much of the parenting is that they know if they leave my nephew with my sister, he may be in danger. I understand what she is saying, and I don't want anything to happen to him either, but whose life is more important? Both are important, and there aren't any easy answers.

Anyway, I'm sorry this is long. I just don't understand why people think you should literally kill yourselves for children. And why people are so frigin romantic about kids that they can't see the impact children are having on their lives!!!

I know my Dad obviously needs to learn to manage stress better, and that's part of the equation, too. But no 59 YO man should be raising his grandson. It's too stressful, and it just isn't fair.

I'm so upset and distraught, and I don't think anything will change. My Dad is set to retire next year, and I think this will just be another opportunity for my ahole sister to continue to dump my nephew on my parents. I also know they need to say no, but it isn't that simple.

Oh no! I'm so sorry Happy. That sucks soooo much. I hope your dad gets through the surgery okay.

At least he'll be retiring soon. That's a relief. But what a retirement he has to look forward to...raising an adolescent. Ug.

I don't understand either where this rosy outlook on childrearing came from. What the hell do people think? Raising children is extremely stressful and exhausting. The whole world seems to be in denial over this right now. Didn't anyone babysit or anything? And of course all the parents love to pretend like every moment is filled with enormous bliss. What a crock.

I wish your sister would be forced to raise her own son. Do you feel like your parents are enabling her to continue on in her partying ways? What an awful situation. I hope she's sterilized.

I'm sorry to hear about this. Maybe this will be a kick in the butt for your sister to come to her senses and get her life together!

I'm so sorry for your father and the whole situation. Hugs and white light coming your way from me.

I wish your mom would call your sister and tell her it's time to pick up her son and take him home. Your father is sick and needs to recouperate in a quiet home with less stress and responsibility than he has now. The logical way to create less stress is to send the child home to live with HIS OWN MOTHER. She is the boy's mother and it's time she started acting like one.

Is this something your mom would ever do? If not, does guilt work on your sister? Does she even care about your father;s health? Can you guilt her?

More hugs for this awful situation.

((((((((((((Happy))))))))))

Thanks for the support guys! It means a lot. My parents have a really hard time saying no to my sister. And my Mom is a martyr, and does things she doesn't want to do, and then complains about them. She drives me nuts!

Anything short of my father dying won't impact my sister, unfortunately. She's so stuck on getting her needs met that she doesn't care. My middle sister was sick with breast cancer, and she was constantly badgering her to babysit. She doesn't get it! And she's one of those entitled parents we love so much, that thinks everyone should do everything for her.

My Dad went to the hospital on Saturday night, and my sister was calling them at the hospital telling them that she had to take public transportation b/c her car died. My Dad is literally trying to get another car lined up for her from the hospital bed. I hate her so much! She has destroyed our family.

There is some type of major drama at least once a week. And my Dad just can't take all of the pressure anymore. I know he needs to control his anger, too, and that part is one him. This is a major example of why I won't ever have kids. If my sister was my daughter I would be in jail.

She recently got her degree, but she hasn't been able to translate that into a job yet. So she's still waitressing, and working nights. Which means my parents babysit almost every night! I really can't see a way out of this, b/c no one is willing to budge. The dysfunction is so deep that it is literally killing my Dad and weakening his heart.

I'm just so sorry. The whole situation is awful.
(((((((((((((Happy))))))))))))))))

Happy I can totally relate to your situation. My brother has to constantly rely on my parents to watch his daughter, my neice, who will be 3 this week. It's not that my brother is a complete loser. He has a good job and works hard, but he's so busy taking care of his stupid, ghetto trash, head case girlfriend (who is also the girl's mother, although only in the loosest sense of the word) that it makes it hard for him to be devoted to his daughter.
My parents are in their 50's as well, and have been divorced for 6 years, but they share custody (not legally) of the poor girl better than her own parents take care of her.
The poor girl is developmentally delayed because she has no stability. Like I said, she's almost 3, but she still wears a diaper and she doesn't speak clearly. At least not as well as she should. All because she's being shuffled back and forth between my parents and the other grandparents. It just makes me sick.
I know the question of whether the grandparents are enabling the situation has come up, but it's so hard to take a stand when the welfare of the child is in question. They didn't ask to be born into this. I hope your family is able to come to a safe and happy resolution.

Sorry to hear that Froggy. I can relate to your situation, too. There seem to be a lot of people in these situations. And it's so heartbreaking for the children, because, like you said, they didn't ask for this.

That's great that your parents are able to help out. I'm sure this wasn't what they had in mind for their later years, though. It's tough, though, b/c they care about their grandkids, and it's complicated.

I wish I was in PA so I could my foot all the way up my sister's butt. She is completely ruining the lives of everyone around her. What an @$$hole. My Dad is finally scared for his own life, and I think he might start making better choices for himself. I know he will lose the weight, and do what he needs to do. I hope they make him take stress management classes or something. But there is only so much you can do when you have a dysfunctional family member sucking the living life out of you.

Yeah, I know what you mean. We've tried to have an intervention with my brother, but he's so deluded. He's always making excuses for his GF, "She's had a hard life", "She's sick", "She's doing the best she can" What a crock! She's a freak who needs to be on meds and in therapy. I swear she has Munchausen's Syndrome. My brother works 3 jobs while she sit's on her @$$ and does nothing. She doesn't work, she never graduated from HS and she doesn't even watch her own daughter.
I don't live close to them either, but if I did.....

So sorry to hear about this -- and wishing the best for an easy recovery for your Dad. My fil had a stint years ago, and it did help a lot.

But as for your sister -- oooh, what a pickle! It does sound like she isn't willing to grow up, and adds to the stress levels tremendously.

I don't know how old your nephew is... would Big Brothers be able to help, give your folks a bit of a break now and then?