BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Did your divorce happen "out of the blue?"

Today I was talking to a girlfriend who is very upset. Her husband told her last night "out of the blue" that he wants a divorce. He was very cold to her, and didn't really give any explanations.

I'm curious if this is a common thing.

I suspect an affair.. I don't believe that everything can be so good, then boom you want a divorce. I suspect a midlife crises, a younger woman, and an affair....

My ex-husband took my kids to dinner one evening two years ago and returned at 10pm without the kids asking me, "Did anything happen tonight?" He had filed for divorce and left me home alone to greet the constable who was going to supposed to serve me with papers. (He didn't show up that night- but that is beside the point.)

We had been going to marriage counseling for two years, so I guess you can't say it was out of the blue. But we had both committed (or so I thought) to the idea of saving our marriage for our kids. And if he had given up it would have been nice of him to mention that.

His girlfriend (and daughter) moved in with him from out of state 4 months (?) after he moved out and our divorce was final. Honestly, I don't really care or want to know if he "knew" her while we were married.

My gut tells me that this was not 100% his idea. There are so many scenarios that have been rolling around in my head, but it really isn't worth wasting the energy on. He honestly thought that I would cook him dinner or pick up his favorite food from the out of town grocery store while he was still living with me but had already filed for divorce.

Many people (I will refrain from saying "men" because I don't think it is just them) think that divorce will make all their problems go away. My ex definitely felt like he had won, put his foot down, didn't let me get my way.

Well, it is two years later, he is still miserable and now he can't blame it on being married to me anymore. Hmmm, must be reality setting in. :-)

You're so right about how people think a divorce will make things all better. But I honestly believe, without abuse, addiction or adultery, it's not better on the other side.

Most especially if we don't work on ourselves in between new relationships. I know so many people (mostly men I'm afraid) who move on to one new relationship after another, having the same old fights, same old patterns in relationship after relationship. Personally if I am going to go through the trouble of divorcing, I am going to learn something, so that I don't repeat my mistakes.

My "X" would probably claim that it "happened out of the blue". Because he was on the receiving end.

After he'd been served, he talked me into a 90 day stay in court proceedings. We attended marriage counseling "again" and I believe his exact words were that he was blind sided.

I had to be having an affair. Having a mid-life crisis. or Had a nervous breakdown were his explanations.

The fact of the matter was, and our counselor pointed it out too, since he was on the receiving end..Of course he felt blind sided. I was much further into the process of "detaching myself" than he was. Since I was the one to pull the trigger and flip the switch.. I was ahead of the game. He felt like a deer in the head-lights.

Most divorces arn't amicable. In most divorces one wants out, the other does not.

My "X" was a narcasist. Emotional, verbal and even physical abuse were his forte. He's also an alcholic. I spent years trying to "FIX" him. I spent years walking on egg shells. I spent years in counseling for myself and for both of us, thinking I was defective. It took me that long to figure out that I can't fix him... I can only fix me.

He felt blind-sided. And yet I spent years and years trying to tell him that "OUR" relationship was not working. I spent years and years telling him "I" was unhappy. And when someone doesn't hear you.... doesn't want to hear you.... or doesn't care... then they are blind sided.

At least that was the scenario in my marriage. Every marriage/divorce is different.

My divorce came out of the blue for sure. I went away for the weekend and when I came home, my husband was very strange acting and distant. He kept saying he was sick. Then, one day he came home and told me he wanted a divorce. He gave no excuses either...other than some lame things that made no sense. I wanted to go to counseling, but he was not interested at all. He wanted the divorce and he wanted it as soon as he could possibly get it. Unfortunate for him, it takes a year where we live. I did my own detective work (because I didn't buy his lame excuses) and found out that he was having an affair.

But, this was a total shock to me as I thought my husband and I were very happy. Even looking back at our last months together, nothing seemed different - my ex was very clever and very good at pretending to be something he was not. Usually when one looks back at a situation, one sees the signs and the flags that things changed or that something was wrong - one sees the subtle hints of distance, etc. I see nothing at all like that when I look back.

And my ex was so prepared for it that I almost know he had been planning for months. He had already been to see his attorney. He knew exactly what steps to take and would not give me the time to even realize what was happening or to get a grip so that I could take care of myself and my assets or even find an attorney of my own.

CF Gal, I am so sorry. That is horrible.

Thank you for the kind words, Nicola. It was hard, but with the support of my friends and family, I had the strength to ignore his pressuring to move forward with the divorce. And I found a wonderful attorney that I could not have made it without. So, I managed, but it was extra hard with him being so pushy. He called me day in and day out, but I had to ignore the calls to keep my sanity. Aside from that, we have had a pretty civil separation. So far, things are still civil between us. Although I have plenty of anger and hurt still left.

Yes..it was a suprise. My husband had been cold and distant for a long time but I thought it had to do with the line of work that he had gotten into (Police Officer). One night in early November (1998) we got into an arguement and he stormed out saying that he wanted a divorce and things only got worse from there. I finally suspected that he was having an affair and my suspicions were confirmed on Christmas Eve of that yr. He was having an affair with one of the dispatchers. I wanted counseling..he wanted a divorce. They are married now. I was sad when this took place. I had him on a pedestal. I can see now that they both actually did me a huge favor.

I had a friend whose husband was going to school to work on computers, so he was at computers all hours of the day. Well - he happened to be on the computer to an old high school sweetheart. She left her husband and one of the children to live with this guy now. It hit my friend out of left field.

Another one had her husband come home and say he had his own place now and wanted a divorce. He had already set up another partment.....she was devastated for years afterward.

I am a widow - and probably will stay that way. I believe in love and all that - but I am so skeptical.....

this is how my Divorce happened out of the blue. two yrs. ago.I even remember the day,the time,and the month sad isn't. Everything seemed normal as usual,I noticed changes but I thought it was just me. we were married for almost 16 yrs. my 2nd,I had my grandson stay the night before,the next day my ex called me on the phone said he wasn't coming home and hadn't loved me for along time and my grandson was still there,he was only 6.I was so devistated ,what happened after that I don't quit remember ,shock , I just couldn't beleive it, like so many other men and women on here. I went through BC in2002 I'm not sure if I had his support then, makes me wonder. I found out later ,well just last yr. his words to others, his mom made him leave me or she would take him out of her will,very controlling mom,when she said jump they ask how high,I loved this woman with all my heart did everything to please her and I guess she just couldn't love back,I wasn't here to take her youngest son away from her ,she just gained another daughter. I helped this man get away from drugs and he went cold turkey because he loved me so much,I wonder what the word forever really means. through sickness and in health yes I been there done that,the sad thing is I still want him back,I know that won't happen,he left his kids when they were very young,and now that they are older the twin boys ,they live with him ,they been on drugs ,drinks alot,but maybe it is the best for them to be with their dad now I am no longer in his life,I wish them the best.But it is still embedded so deep in my heart that I still love him and I know I have to let go ,it sure is hard when you really thought this would be your love forever. So how I let go? After two marriages I am just beside myself,I am such a loving woman I just don't know where I went wrong,but then I have to relize it wasn't me it was them. I have a few times but I just can't do it. I guess I am afraid I'll be judged because of all I went through with BC. I just need a friend right now just to talk and get over him. I have alot more to talk about but it would take me along time to post it here. Thanks for reading this.