BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Different strokes for different folks

I randomly ran into a friend of my ex-roommate at brunch today. I'd heard she was pregnant, and been absolutely horrified. This girl, while fun in small doses, had been loud, rude, self absorbed, neglectful to her two dogs, and the last peson I'd have picked to be a fit mother. My roomie had told me that her other half was a carbon copy of her, and they'd only known each other a few months before she got knocked up. So...

Her seven month old baby girl was asleep in her carseat, and was she ever cute (surprise number one). And the lady herself had me in stitches as we waited for a table. We'd talked previously about having kids (both the ex roomie and I being adamantly childfree) and she'd been right in there with us - in fact today she said to me "who'd have thought, me actually having one of the evil little parasites!" But I have to say that motherhood has improved her immensely!

One of the things that she did ask was "so, still not wanting any kids?" (guess it was a bingo of sorts, but delivered with a smile) and I just smiled back and said "nope, still not my thing". I told her that I'd broken up with my ex over it. Her reply was "you know what, people have no idea how much having a child takes over your life. If you don't want to do it, I can totally respect that, and good for you".

I have to admit that on the one hand, that I was a little dismayed at having a kindred spirit fall by the wayside. And on the other, it was nice to see living proof that for some people, having children really does change you for the better. Does anyone else have experience with people who have "gone to the darkside" and turned out for the better?

One of my friends' roommates' sister. How's that for a reference?

Anyway, at 18, she wanted to get knocked up so she could collect mother's allowance. I ran into her 10 years later and she had gotten pregnant and had a son. She was now working (suprise #1), sounded intelligent (suprise #2) and was a pretty responsible mother (surprise #3) who had no support from the boy's father and had completed community college (surprise #4) at night.

Back in the day, she was dumb as a stump, loud and very, very, slutty to boot!

Wow...a thoughtful, introspective post, a genuinely warm-hearted question, 102 views and only ONE response! Bravo Pikasim and Anastasia for having the courage to say something nice about parents on this board.

You want to know why there's only one response? Because apparently becoming a better person once you've spawned is the exception, not the norm. By the way, you again? What is WRONG with you that you keep coming back for more?

Very true Grey.

I had to go back 15 years to find my one example! Talk about digging deep.

Maybe we should just not feed the trolls?

I know a lot of great parents, I just don't know any parents who became better people AFTER they had kids. Sorry. It's not that I didn't TRY to think of someone. I just couldn't.

I can think of plenty of people who changed after they had kids, but they're just different, not better and not necessisarily worse (though a few are.)

It's actually hard for me to find an example too. I know heaps of great parents, but they were intelligent, thoughtful people before they had children.

I can't really think of anyone. I did have a coworker that had her daughter at 18, and she never went to college and ended up making big money at the pharma company. Which was great.

I like her, and I hate to say this, but she's still immature and hangs out at the bar a lot. I don't do that and I don't have kids, you know what I mean? I just think it's even weirder if you are still doing that when you have kids. I don't she's all around a bad mother, but she's probably another one that should have considered adoption. I remember the topic came up once when I was talking about my sister, and how she should have given her son up for adoption. And she chimed in with "I never could have done that." Well, lucky for your daughter. They never think about what's right for the kid, but always think about themselves, and saving face by not giving up their child.

She is kind of crazy about her daughter, though, talks about her all the time, and has pix of her all over her desk. They do seem to have a good relationship, and her daughter seems well adjusted. So it can't be all bad.

I think most people that are screwed up continue to be screwed up once they have kids, and just pass the dysfunction down to another generation.

I have to agree with some of the previous posters, most of the good parents I know were good people before they became parents.

Some irresponsible people end up turning their lives around and become great parents, but that is more the exception than the rule.

I couldn't think of anyone like this either. I've tried. If they're bad before kids, the ones I've seen are bad after kids. And vice versa.

BUT, the vast majority of parents I know and see out there seem like great parents from the outside (you never know what goes on inside someone else's home). It's the exceptions that are obviously outwardly terrible. Of course they stand out when they show their true colors in public for all to see. Hard to ignore when you see people mistreating children or handling things badly right in front of your face, or if their kids are nuisances. Way more often though, and I HAVE said this b4 on this forum, in restaurants and stores I'm very impressed with the parenting I see. Maybe in the area I live, No. Cal, people are more enlightened about parenting then elsewhere, but often the thought that comes mind when I see families in public is "Wow, they're so good. I would be so stressed if I were them having to deal with that all time." [along with feelings of dread because I always thought that would be me someday].

When I see something like that I often feel compelled to give them a compliment. It's not often that I have a bad experience with kids in restaurants, so when I do it really stands out. I think most decent parents would agree, and with the few openminded parents who do post here, we all seem to be in agreement on that. No reason to falsely give people pats on the back if they are doing a [censored] job and raising people who will just be a burden on society.