BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Can I get some opinions, please?

Feebee--what courage it takes to lay it out there like that! I know you are helping lots of women really think about what their life deserves.

I agree too, DLEE don't waste your life with someone you don't truly love! I have been in bad relationships before and felt the same things like 'no one else would love me' or 'i can't afford to live on my own', etc. But you know what? Someone else WILL love you, especially if you can get back to the place where you love yourself. And you CAN afford to live on your own--it may take some sacrifices but the pride and confidence you will feel in taking care of yourself will be so worth it.
Please keep us updated.

Feebee-
Wow. I'm so impressed with you. I'm so glad you were able to get yourself out of that life and now you have this wonderful new lfe and marriage to show for it.

DLEE-
We all feel the pain in your posts. Your life isn't your own with him and his kids there. That's what I meant by saying you don't want to look back and wonder where "you" went. Feebee lost herself for a while, but she got herself back. Staying with this man and his ill-mannered children to save your house can't possibly be better than renting a room to someone else, cutting your expenses, etc and living your own life.

Please love yourself enough to do it.

>When I think about it, there really are no redeeming qualities. The main reason he is still here is finances. Before we got together I was really struggling on my own. Since he has been here, I am almost out of debt, other than my house, and we live relatively comfortably. I dread going back to the way it was before. However, I know there is probably no way around it, because he is so set in his ways, and unwilling to change, or even listen to me for that matter. He is never wrong, and refuses to take any responsibility for any of our problems. He treats his kids, and the rest of his family in the same defensive way. No one is ever wrong but me. NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO. This is so frustrating, I can't even begin to describe it.

>BTW, I have tried the second job thing many times, and it never works out with my main job. My schedule it too sporadic, and I can't seem to find anything that fits in with it.

Maybe try babysitting? <WEG> Actually -- you'd be better at it than HE is!

I don't know the details of your income and outgo, but there are usually ways to cut corners. (Maybe visit frugal living and ask for suggestions?) CherryRed suggested renting out a room, which might help.

I am glad that you have been able to dig yourself most of the way out of debt. Once you clear that, you are paying less in interest (just the mortgage -- and if you can pay even a little extra on that a month, that will help), which means you can use the money more wisely.

(Now, if our country would stop piling on the debt... but that's another forum!)

Feebee, I'm SO glad you are in a happier situation now, and sorry you had to go through those awful times. Heck, I'm getting a neck complex just thinking about the horrible things he said. I'm so glad you have someone who loves you now and appreciates how special you are on the inside and out.

DLEE, I was thinking about what you said about not wanting to go back to the way things were financially before you met him, and wanted to say...it won't be the way things were. You've improved your situation financially since then, you've built up a lot since that time in terms of skills and wherewithall in the world (just by living and your experiences). You have more equity in your house possibly. Your situation is different. It will be a NEW and BETTER time in your life. Tell yourself that message, even if your mind wants to tell you differently and you have to fake it.

Even if you WANTED to go back and have your life be the way it was before, it wouldn't be possible, so don't even worry about that. Now is the time to look ahead and imagine how you want your life to be, and with the actions you take and the effort you put out now to make the changes, you can make it happen.

[sorry if this sounds too preachy...I think I'm becoming a wannabe motivational speaker : ))

Thanks so much to everyone for your words of encouragement, and thanks to Feebee for sharing your story. I am so glad you were able to overcome that horrible situation. It is so good to be able to come here and talk/vent about my situation. It lets me know that I am not alone. I do not personally know anyone else who is CF! Everyone is a breeder.

I know what will have to happen eventually, and I will have to stand up and be strong, but it's just so damned scary.

Yes, it is. I walked out on a cheating ex husband at the age of 30. I'd got into my first relationship at 14, and up until I left my marriage, I'd never been single since. I was terrified. I had no sense of self and nobody to lean on. You know what? You do what you have to, you learn, you grow, and you'll figure it out, just like Feebee and I did.

Frieda is absolutely right. You're in a far, far better place than you were when he moved in. And you will cope.

I had roommates after my husband left, two of whom are still counted amongst my best friends, and I have one still, many years later. She's 15 years my junior and we get along wonderfully. People find themselves needing somewhere to live for all sorts of diverse reasons, and with a bit of savvy you can choose someone great to share your home, if it comes to that.

(Hugs) Be brave. Good vibes coming your way :-)

Feebee -- I'm sorry you went thru such hard times with men in your life. But, good for you for getting yourself to a much better place. You now have a loving husband and wonderful marriage -- that's awesome!

DLEE -- It sounds like you are married to a very selfish and degrading man. I agree with everyone else. You don't deserve the unhappiness he is causing you. I know separating from him will be hard and from reading the posts, I realize your finances are an issue. However, it sounds as though you are truely unhappy and he is being mentally abusive to you by always putting you down, etc. Don't live like that. Your life will be much better and happier without him. Your finances will change as you said, but you CAN make it. Sounds like you are in a much better position now, with being out of debt and all. Good luck with everything...Hugs (((((DLEE))))))

>You know what? You do what you have to, you learn, you grow, and you'll figure it out,

"That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger."

Or -- Oh, no, not another learning experience! But we really do learn and grow, don't we? The wonderful resiliency of the human spirit!

Thanks Kinderfrei, Frieda, Cherry Red, CF Gal and Pikasam for saying such encouraging things. I read your words and felt very warm in the heart! I went out for a run after that in the early morning sun on the beach and really felt so lucky and proud - your messages reminded me of where I had come. Thanks Pikasam for sharing your story too. It had taken a bit of courage to post mine as I am quite embarassed to admit that I had been so weak. Hearing that you, a strong, independent, truly amazing woman, had survived a bad experience too, was really inspiring.

Anyway, back to you DLEE, who is what is important here. About the finances. When my ex husband announced he was in love with the other woman, we were two weeks away from moving into the house that we had build on a wild piece of coastline. The house had cost us more to build than it was worth (another example where I had bowed to this arrogant man's wishes - it stressed me out something awful that we had spent so much money on that house). At the end of all this I was left aged 31, with no money to my name, no house, a second-hand car my Dad gave me, a decade of working and earning money down the toilet, and an arts management job that didn't pay much.

Let me just say the year that followed was one of the most exciting, fulfilling and satisfying of my life. People and opportunities just popped right out of the woodwrk to help me. I moved into a house next door to a friend - the house belonged to an old lady who was in hospital and the family needed a houseminder. I stayed there for 6 months and then found a room to rent in a house with a lovely couple. I set myself a budget, and a plan for living frugally and I stuck by it. I found lots of simple pleasures to make me happy eg I bought a bike and on Saturday mornings I got up early and I rode my bike to a beach with a thermos flask, a muffin and a book in my backpack. I loved going shopping just for myself and eating simply and I loved going to the cashflow machine and seeing that nobody (ie my husband) had depleted our funds - it was all controlled by me. People invited me places. When I went to dinner with friends I was careful not to order starter or dessert to save a bit of money. I started violin lessons - something I had always longed to do. It was so satisfying and I loved my life! Not only that, on a $45K salary at the time, with 1/3 going in tax, I SAVED $10,000 in that year to go overseas!

Later on I saved money while overseas and bought a cottage by the sea on an island here in NZ all by myself. I tell you, it is almost worth all the struggle I went through with my first marriage and divorce for the moment of exhiliration I felt, signing the papers for that house. Wow, that was incredible. Little old me achieving that on my own!

I STILL look back on that post-marriage break-up year with great fondness. Yes, I was also grieving, and there were moments of great emotional pain (that passed), but the rewards of striking out on my own and discovering who I was (as Pikasam says) were WONDERFUL.

I had no money but I found a way to live! As will you! Think creatively and laterally and you will have so many rewards come back to you.

Also, you say you will give it two months. For five years with my second long term relationship (the London one) I gave it "3 more months", "6 more months", "maybe a year to see how it goes" etc. FIVE YEARS. Five years of insecurity, limbo-state and anxiety. Do it now DLEE. Life's too short, and this man is just too disrespectful.

It's not as scary as you think out there. Honestly. You can do it on your own! And you won't be on your own for long.

Wow, Feebee, you're truly an inspiration. I really mean that! I was starting to feel anxious again but reading all that you accomplished in ONE YEAR gave me a good mental shake!