BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Can I get some opinions, please?

Hear, hear. I can't imagine what could possibly make living with a man like that worthwhile.

DLEE,

I'm with Grey. Get him out. It's not worth what he's doing to you. You don't want to look back 10 years from now and wonder where you went. You have to love yourself enough to do that.

I have to say, I agree. DLEE, it's one thing to love, or care about him, but you don't have to LIVE with him (and his kids). If you kick him out, he'll still be alive, and if he ever is able to get a clue, than you could rethink the relationship. But you don't have to live with him the whole time that's happening, when it's so awful. Get him out, do a trial separation or whatever, and then you can think in peace about whether you want to finalize the divorce, or try and make it work again. If he's really devoted to doing what it takes to get you back, you could still try counseling once he's out of your house.

Just another thought... more and more married couples don't even live together. They live in separate houses (for various reasons) and still are married and love each other. If the love is really that deep, but the living situation is untenable, it's just another option. I realize it would take a lot more money to run your own household on one income, so maybe that idea is more for people who have lots of money. But it sounds like you'll save money on vet bills if you get him and his kids out.

You are all correct. When I think about it, there really are no redeeming qualities. The main reason he is still here is finances. Before we got together I was really struggling on my own. Since he has been here, I am almost out of debt, other than my house, and we live relatively comfortably. I dread going back to the way it was before. However, I know there is probably no way around it, because he is so set in his ways, and unwilling to change, or even listen to me for that matter. He is never wrong, and refuses to take any responsibility for any of our problems. He treats his kids, and the rest of his family in the same defensive way. No one is ever wrong but me. NO MATTER WHAT THEY DO. This is so frustrating, I can't even begin to describe it.

BTW, I have tried the second job thing many times, and it never works out with my main job. My schedule it too sporadic, and I can't seem to find anything that fits in with it.

Perhaps you can rent a room to someone? I'm a private person, so I know it's not something I'd want to do either, but you could rent out a room for a little while and finish getting out of debt maybe? Ask around and see if someone knows a quiet college girl or something like that. Or not. Just a thought.

I suppose you have to decide whether the extra finances are worth the daily irritation that you have to put up with. If money is the sole reason for living with this man, perhaps you could consider taking in a paying lodger instead? (Assuming that your house is big enough, of course.) That way you would have some extra income but could choose a more pleasant housemate, with the added bonus of no brats every other weekend. I would give it some thought.

I also agree with what Grey said. What's so great about a guy who disrespects you in your own home?

Dlee, trust me, putting up with his [censored] because it's "safer" will so not work. Your health will soon deteriorate, you'll start thinking YOU'RE the one who's in the wrong, that maybe he's right and you're crazy. Not worth it.

As Cherry and Manatee have mentioned, you could probably get a quiet college student to rent a room from you until things have balanced out a bit, or find ways to pinch some cash. Take a look at your life, what are you wasting money on? Do you eat out too much? Pay for cable t.v. when you don't even watch it that much? Drive to work when you could take the bus? Heat every room in the house when you could shut some of the house off and just heat/cool the room you're in?

There's tons of little things you can do to save money and be self-sufficient and relying on HIM is not anywhere close to the best option. If nothing else, I would rather sell the bloody house and get a more inexpensive one if that's what I had to do to live happily on my own.

Did you mention whether you've mined your current job for a raise? It might be worth asking.

DLEE, I am sending huge hugs. I agree with Grey Drakkon and the rest. Ask yourself, what is the payoff for you for staying with this man, and be really brutally honest with yourself and reach the truth. If it is fear of being alone, fear of his reaction, or whatever, you can deal with it once you have identified it.

DLEE, learn from my mistakes. I made not one mistake but two with men. It is embarassing to write this, but I am going to if it helps you. From the age of 23 to the age of 31 I was married to a man who was a bully and emotionally abusive. He undermined me constantly until I had no self esteem or confidence yet. He said things to me like "You can tell you're getting older because the skin around your neck is getting sort of rough". If I tried to ever assert my point of view he would go into a rage. When I drove our car, he criticised my driving constantly. I was not respected and I clung on becauee I couldn't bear the thought of admitting my marriage was a disaster and frankly, he had me doubt myself. He finally ran off with another woman and I had a lucky escape. I then blossomed away from him.

Then I went to London and fell in love with a lovely man, but who messed me around for 5 YEARS being on and off being commitmentphobic (always persuading me to staywhen I said I was going). He eventually ran off to a bhuddist community in California to hide out there.

By the end of this second relationship I was 38 years old and absolutely shattered and had wasted all that time when I could have been in a nurturing and loving relationship. Why did I do this to myself? it started in childhood with being constantly put down and undermined by my bullying older sister. I also lacked a strong, understanding father figure. Naive and sweet at 23, I fell hook, line and sinker for the older handsome man who wooed me and eventually married me. When I arrived in London and was wooed by man number 2, he seemed so lovely and kind in comparision to my ex husband. Then i never quite had the courage to walk away because by now I was getting older and scared I wouldn't ever meet anyone else.

I came back to NZ and I took a big stocktake. I really analysed myself and changed my behaviour. I am now married to a kind, gentle, respectful,well-mannered man. I am happier than I have ever been.

Don't waste two decades of your life like I did.