BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Can I get some opinions, please?

My apologies to the CF forum for "wandering in" since I'm not CF, but it looks like other people with children have noticed this topic on the general headline board, too. What follows is a sincere effort to help.

DLEE, I'm guessing your husband knows he's wrong but would never admit it. Some people, especially some men, seem to be VERY averse to saying they were wrong. Apologizing or even changing their behavior would not be the logical next step for them either. I'm assuming your husband has other redeming traits that offset his "righteous" attitude, so, I guess I'd just drop it for now and try to do an end-run around the next inappropriate t.v. viewing (without holding my breath about the results).

You might, occasionally, be able to engage everyone in some alternative activity if you happen to see something inappropriate on the horizon; but I doubt everyone will always take the bait. I'm guessing that if your husband suspects you're trying to re-route his planned activities, though, he'll probably NOT back your efforts. This is a tough situation. Ultimately, he will probably reap what he's sowing--in the form of misguided teenagers.

There's no law that says you have to sit through these inappropriate t.v. sessions. You could quietly go in another room and do something else. If you downplay your exit (no speeches about going to watch something more appropriate, no efforts to take the kids with you), maybe your husband will not be critical--at least not in front of the kids. If he has the "right" to watch icky shows, you have a right to do something else.

You probably know that wives of divorced fathers living apart from their kids usually have the least influence of any of the possibly four parents these kids have. I think the order of influence goes: the live-in, biological parent; then the other biological parent (provided this one keeps up visitation); then the live-in parent's partner, last the partner of the parent not living with the children. At any rate, I'm positive about who falls in last place. This means that, usually, the one in last place should focus chiefly on building a constructive, cordial relationship with the kids. This person probably would not be seen by the kids as a "real" parent, and that's okay. You should not, however, forget that you are one of the adults in their lives. As an interested adult, it's appropriate to expect the kids' respect. You just want to soft-pedal the "parent" role and focus more on being the interested adult who lives with the dad. Ultimately, they may see you as one of the more stable people they've known and seek you out for advice. If you're never more than dad's wife whom they appreciate for treating them kindly and for not trying to usurp their mother's role, that's okay, too.

> He is one of those typical 'parent by guilt' people who strongly believes that HIS kids are angels, know everything they need to know, are child prodigies, and can do no wrong.

No, no, no -- that's MY son! ;-)

Seriously, he is setting himself up for worse times down the road. Yeah, he probably feels some guilt at having them torn between two households, two parents -- but teaching them that they can walk all over him (and you) is NOT something that bodes well for the future!

I guess I should disclose a little more information about my husband. First of all, he is not very bright, which becomes more and more evident with each passing day. As a kid, he was severely abused by his father, and his mother left the family when he was seven, and he hasn't seen her since. He has made a pact with himself to never treat his kids that way. That is fine and understandable, but he goes in completely the opposite direction when it comes to discipline. He does nothing at all. He doesn't feel that he should tell them what to do, or how to do it. In other words, he's not big on teaching them anything, and believes it's ok to learn everything the hard way. I don't agree with this line of thinking, and I feel he is shirking his responsibility as a parent. I have made references to what will happen when they are older, with no real knowledge of the real world and how to behave in it, and his response is that it won't be HIS problem, because they don't live with him. It will be his ex-wife's problem. I am not, nor will I ever be a parent, but I cannot imagine feeling that way. Seems that it's all about how it will or will not affect him, without regard to how it will affect them. After all, if/when one of them gets someone knocked up at 14, it won't be HIS kid to raise, and they will learn a lesson from it. Never mind being able to further their education and have a decent life.

A family meeting is not an option. The egg donor is no smarter than he is, and she hates me anyway. After 2 years, she still hasn't gotten over the fact that he re-married. The one and only time I have been face to face with her, she called me a b***h, and walked away...for no reason, other than jealousy.

I am thinking that within the next couple of months I will be able to get out of this situation.

(((((((((((((((((DLEE)))))))))))))))))))))

Well, DLEE, I'm sorry to say, but a meeting with all parents is the only way to put your cards on the table. Otherwise, I suggest counseling for you and your husband. He definitely needs therapy, and if you plan on staying with him, you should get joint therapy.

That sounds hopeful! Wishing you lots of luck in making it happen. Remember, HE'S the one who has to get out of the situation. It's your house, right?

I haven't pitched in my opinion about the TV incident, because I have so little experience raising kids, but I agree with what everyone else said. Whether or not he agreed, he should not undermine you in front of the kids. I'm so sorry you have to deal with that!!

Hmm, I think she just said that she's NOT planning on staying with him...

Yes, it is my house, but if I have him leave, I will be out of the situation.

I really do care about him, so this is hurting me very badly, but I have lost so much respect for him. I have considered counseling, but I am scared to death that I will end up with a therapist who is full of all that new age, psycho-babble BS, that tells you that saying 'NO' to your kid will damage it for life, or something similar. That would totally destroy my case with my husband. Even if we went to a good therapist, my husband is not the type to listen to anything or anybody. He already knows it all.

:: shakes head :: Every time you describe something new about your husband, he looks like a bigger and bigger [censored]. Seriously, what on earth so so great about him that it's worth putting up with an arrogant condescending myopic selfish twit like that? (I have more adjectives, but I think you get my drift) I really have yet to hear one good thing about him that could possibly redeem all that. There really ISN'T anything that can redeem all that, except the willingness to change, which he ALSO doesn't have from what you've described. He's perfectly happy being an [censored], perfectly happy ruining those kids, perfectly happy making you miserable. Sounds like a freakin' gem.

What Grey said.