BellaOnline Forums Family Moms A mother's weapon... Silent Treatment and Guilt

I'm 41 and a Single Mom. I have two small children ages 9 and 6. And, I'm very fortunate in having a mom who go's out of her way to lend me a helping hand, for which I am very grateful.

Since money is tight, I can't afford to take the kids to latch-key in the morning so that I can get to work on time. My mom who lives near by comes over and takes my kids to school. Again, I am very grateful for her help.

However, Mom can be a pill. And saying so makes me sound ungrateful and ungracious. She's moody and when the mood strikes her, we are all at it's mercy. Anything can set her off, from watching the news in the morning, to a bill collector who is "RIGHTFULLY" calling her to pay on her bills.

For instance, this morning she walked in and "stone walled" all of us. Her face was set in stone and she sat straight up.. eye's unwavering. By her body language you can see she is "perculating" about someting. When I asked her what's wrong, she cooly replied "Why would anything be wrong." When I told her that her body language spoke volumes, she became indignant.

A little alarm bell went off in my head telling me not to get dragged into her drama. Don't allow her mood to ruin your day. And THAT's just a problem. If you don't enter into her drama, it only get's worse. So it seems we're all held hostage by her MOOOD SWINGS. When someone looks sad, don't you ask whats wrong? When someone is angry and you don't know why, wouldn't you ask why???? When you get NO ANSWER... you assume it's gotta be you. And now you have to play "COLUMBO" or "PHYCHIC" and come up with the right answer.

I hate it. I love my mother very much but I hate the drama.

Last summer, I scraped the money together to send my kids to Summer Camp. That way they would be kept busy and my mother would be "KID FREE" for the summer. You'd have thought I'd robbed the bank or committed some major crime. It took me eon's to get through to her that I was trying to make life easier on her as well as the children. Here's the scenario, I get home from work and I get avalanched with all the crimes the kids have committed that day. Amazing, and she raised 3 children? but... to her credit I have to admit she feels she has her hands tied to her back since I don't condone corporal punishment in the form of switches and belts. I don't have alot of money... but I managed to scrimp and save and send the kids to camp. She saw it as a direct hit on her as a care giver. NOT SO. I just wanted everyone to be HAPPY.

With the kids, I know she doesn't agree with my choice of parenting. I do not spank the kids. I choose not to scream at them or use any number of devices that were used on me by both mother and father. I don't blame my parents, they did what they were taught to do with the information they had. I choose to be different. And in choosing to be different, it seems that it's saying "she was a bad parent", Not so... she did the best she could with what she had. I'm just making different choices. My children are GOOD kids. They are well behaved and have good grades. But typical kids under 10 years old. Mom, I think expects them to SIT and watch TV all day. What more could they want?

It's not only about the kids. It's about everything. She doesn't like the way I deal with my "X". I refuse to get into his drama as well. I ignore his barbs, I ignore his antics. I try to rise above and take the high road. She doesn't agree with me. When I ask her "WHAT do you expect me to do?" She tells me I should let him have it and he'd pipe down. I've lived that drama with him for over 18 years, I chose to leave it. I don't want to continue down that path. But, since I won't fight back it seem's I am being judged as being weak, too soft.

I'm in the middle of reading Echart Tolle's book "A New Earth" so I get it. It's all about Ego. Mine. Her's. And I choose not to respond to when her EGO wants to drag me into "HER" private drama. But it's a real downer. It's hard to ignore someone who you love very much when they start acting out and use what I call, "MANIPULATIVE" weapons to bend all to their whimsy.

WHAT TO DO??? WHAT TO DO???

If I talk to her about it, she'll not talk to me for a year. She's done it before. IF I tell her that her silence is abusive.. it will fall on deaf ears. Meanwhile, my children are the spectator's of all of this and picking it all up like little sponges. My 9 year old recently tried to employ the silent treatment on me, I broke her of that notion right quick and in a hurry.

Is there a father in the picture? (I'm asking, since you don't mention it, and I can see some scenerios where there isn't, but so often, he is merely absent.) If so, perhaps you and he can work out something -- either child support or cooperative effort -- to relieve some of the stress.

It sounds like your mom is a good person who truly wants to help, but I'm also seeing some manipulation tactics. I applaud your stance against corporal punishment and it sounds like you're raising two fine children. Why on earth would anyone think it productive to hit them with a belt is beyond me. I suppose that's the only way older people know how to mete out punishment and discipline. From what you say, your ex likes to play mind games, so between the two you've got your hands full!

A while back I let myself become emotionally exhausted from trying to keep the peace between family members and a book was recommended to me "Who's Pulling Your Strings, How to Stop Being Manipulated" by Proto. Reading it and putting some of the suggestions into practice helped me start to manage my life better. There is no magic pill, but one saying that makes a lot of sense to me is "If nothing changes; nothing changes." Bringing about change is not easy for me, but once those results start to surface it's a wonderful feeling!

Hi Am Z,

Is it safe to assume that your mother has pretty much always been this way? I'm guessing that her behavior is nothing new, as you married a man who is very much like her. Good for you for breaking the pattern!

Your mother sounds like one of those people that you just can't win with, no matter what you do. This is the kind of person who is trapped in a world of the "I win, you lose" game with no mutual ground to be found.

You sound like a very level headed woman, trying to make sense of something that makes no sense. You are trying to make peace with a person who is addicted to chaos. I lit up when you said that you are reading ANE. What's most important is that you are on the right path. You cannot change your mother's behavior. And it is not healthy for your children to be exposed to it if they are going to be on a path of awareness as well. You are responsible for your children's welfare. You are not responsible for your mother's impossible happiness. It is not your job to "make" her happy. She is miserable because that is where she has chosen to be. Take care of your own happiness and the well being of your kids. It's great that you are sending them to summer camp! What matters is that your kids will have a fun summer, making new friends and trying new things. Allow your mother to make her own choices. Chasing her around trying to get her approval will only strengthen her game and exhaust you.

Is there any other friend or family member who can help you out with babysitting? Your mother unfortunately isn't going to work out for the best. If you must leave your children with her, simply limit the amount of time you spend with her yourself to avoid creating unnecessary scenes. My mother became so abusive with me that I finally just had to walk away. Nothing aggravated her more than my level headedness or my happiness. It is no one's job to take abuse from anyone. I'm sorry that it has to be that way, but my health and happiness have to come first. And so do yours!

Shay

Hi AM Z, my mum is the same, kind of, and here is what I have learnt.

You cannot change your mother, only yourself.

Before you do talk to her about it, you could do what I do: you could find some time by yourself, alone, then: 'imagine' her sitting in a chair in your room, (never to her face!) and say something like " Mum thank you so much for all your support, I so appreciate all you are doing for me. I love you mum. But please realize I will no longer be pulled into your dramas. Thats is excactly what they are YOURS and I am nothing to do with them, so I require you to leave them at the front door whan you come to my home. Thanks mum"

And then give her to who ever you belive in, God, Jesus, even a shelf to put the 'Drama issue regarding mum' on, to take care of her/that particular issue so you dont have to care about it anymore yourself; as long as you have emotionally let go of the particular drama behavior issue and that part of your mum. (very important, so cry or get angry if you need too, but really FEEL it).

Then when you see her again and she does this try something like saying, "I am sorry you are upset mum, and I expect that you will handle it as positivley as you normally do."(or what ever you feel she will respond to, but make clear you are sorry how she feels and you know she will be ok etc, but then the issue as far as you are concerned is OVER.) Then kiss her (if thats what you do!) and change the subject.


Thats what I do and it really helps, then Just REFUSE to go whare she tries to lead, in that area, but say a 'sorry' quietly and to yourself that she feels the need to live this way, that way you do it in the right spirit, without anger, so she will be the most responsive and so will you.

Hope that helps

I agree with this advice. I also have a mom who is addicted to chaos.She is always manufacturing some sort of drama, and when you mentioned how anything can set her off I thought of my mom. The only thing that works is to put distance between you and your mom and the kids. Don't let these innocent kids be damaged by grandma's issues.

You'll never be able to make your mother happy, and it's not your job to try. That's her responsibility.

Here are some books that may help:
Toxic Parents - Susan Forward
Emotional Blackmail - Susan Forward
Emotional Vampires - Albert Bernstein