BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters Rules and App. for dating my daughter!

Your dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy):

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do no, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
But, before you even think of dating my daughter, you'll have to fill out the Application for Permission to Date My Daughter.


Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless
accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,
and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME_____________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES____________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
______________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain
______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No

C. A waterbed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?

(IF YOU ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION
AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)


ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________


REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

father? _____________

mother? _____________

pastor? _____________


SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers
are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:

______________________________________________________________

B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:

______________________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:

______________________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:

______________________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________

______________________________________________________________

______________________________________________________________

F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:

______________________________________________________________

F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO
THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,
NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE
WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.


_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)


_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and
non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do
not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would
cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases.
(you might watch your back)


I thought this was funny but there was a better version that I lost years ago and cant find online.... Enjoy!

I have two girls... but in all fairness, I posted this one to complement here and in the son's section.


Rule One:

If my son gathers his courage and asks you for a date, this is not an opportunity to run all your errands with my car. Sweetie, you will not ask him to take you on any little side trips to anywhere, especially the mall, where he will be expected to tag along after you as you use him first as your personal chauffeur, then as your bearer for your packages. He has his heart and soul wrapped up in taking you out, for whatever reason that may be, and he has a heart of gold, very simply, you will not take advantage of him. This will simply not happen, right? And therefore, I simply will not hustle your shapely little behind down my front steps to dump you in the trunk with your precious packages and UPS the entire bundle to Tibet, either... right?

Rule Two:

You do not touch my son in front of me. Period... No clinging, no hugging, not even holding hands. You may glance at him, but any glances going beneath the belt will get you an immediate expulsion from my house. You will find your feet hitting the pavement faster than your gum-snapping mouth can shriek "What?? What did I do??"

Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for girls of your age to wear their shirts with the bottom half ripped off, where any sudden movement threatens to expose yourself to any casual passerby or with necklines so low that your breasts nearly tumble out, so, please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete moronic ****s. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with breasts hanging out, and looking like you are trying out for a job with Hugh Heffner, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your shirt actually does not expose any unintended flesh, I will feel free to helpfully use my hot glue gun to fasten it to your midriff and or chest. Watch the makeup while you're at it too. Should you show up with your face painted garish colors and reeking of perfume like the ***** of Babylon, I will take great pleasure in helpfully introducing you to a scrub brush and a bar of Lava soap...

Rule Four:

I'm sure you've are enlightened about sex, and have all the latest information on diseases and methods of contraception. You may even be using one of these methods, "just in case". Yes, I am sure that you are well informed. Well, I'd like to offer one wee extra bit of information for your general edification - if you even THINK of touching my son in an intimate fashion, I will break every bone in your hands - no questions asked - just to helpfully remind you of my favorite method of contraception, which is this nifty "new" idea called "abstinence" until marriage...

Rule Five:

I have noted that the recent fashions have tended towards piercing various, shall we say, "interesting" body parts. I have no real problems with your basic pierced eyebrow, nose, lip, tongue or belly button, honest, but be aware that, with only the most helpful of intentions, I also have a rather large pair of pliers in my toolbox. (Yes, my toolbox, not my craft-box. I really DO want to be helpful!)

Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular girl, and you may have the entire football team panting after you. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my son. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my darling boy, you will continue to date no one but him until you come to an amicable agreement to separate. If you break his heart, I will most assuredly make you wish you'd never been born, dear.

Rule Seven:

Should you happen to stop by here, please remember there is still such a thing as manners. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my son to appear, and more than thirty seconds goes by, do not sigh and fidget, and do not snap your gum. He is hurrying as fast as he can, and he's not only driving you, he's buying your movie ticket. In fact, actually, not that I think about it, thanks so very much for stopping over - instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like vacuuming?

Rule Eight:

You may also be enlightened as to the use of many natural herbal substances, or crystallized and powdered substances. We're not even going to mention things that can be injected, are we? If I ever even think you have even a small glimmer of intent to educate my son regarding these substances, I will be educating Officer Krupky about your general existence, just to be helpful, and insure your general good health...

Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be an graying middle-aged, not kewl hippie wannabe. But on issues relating to my son, I am the all-knowing, all-powerful and merciless god of your universe.

If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but the truth. I have been known to speed up slow answerers by grabbing the back of their jeans with one hand and the back of their hair with another, and re-introducing them to the front walk... Don't
lie, and speak swiftly and don't say "ummmm" ...

Rule Ten:

Be afraid, be very afraid.... Schizophrenia may very well run in families, they're not quite sure... and I am about the same age as my dearly departed grandmother was when she snapped from stress and completely lost it... Family legend has it that she would greet my fathers unacceptable dates with carving knife in hand... try not to ummm, stress me out... ya, that's it, try very hard not to stress me out... see, I have a nice collection of Ginsu's in the kitchen, myself... Grandma would have loved them... I'm not kidding even a little tiny bit...

Mildly amusing, the both of them. I say mildly, because I would have murdered my parents in their sleep if they tried pulling any of that [censored] with me. Then again, I was an unusually intelligent teen, and VERY independent. I would have taken it as a grave insult if they didn't think I had SOME common sense at that point in my life.

I thought they were funny because so many kids today just dont have commen sence! I was very smart and my mom would have never had to do any of this but then I didnt have the boys beating a path to my door either... granted this is blown way out of proportion but it is funny! I have seen parents do this both for sons and daughters. my first date was with a boy whos mother read me the riot act that was much like the one AMz posted. No Joke! I was 13 and all I could do was say Yes Ma'ma I had no idea what she was talking about but ok.... the boy's mom met me and my mom at the shows for her son and mine's date and she gave me this speech before he could get out of the car then he got out and we when to the show he sat 3 seats away from me the whole show!! his mom picked him up and my mom picked me up. that was friday come monday morning everyone at school that I was pregnat we went out again the same way but he sat 2 seats from me and the next monday I was having twins!!! He asked me if I could sneak out of the house so we could try for triples.... I laughed the whole week at school and all the way home that day! he told everyone that he got me pregnant and we was having twins!!! and he didnt even have the balls to sit by me much less anything else!!! My mom found a book about where babys come from for kids and she gave it to me to give to him the next monday at school and told me to make sure I did it in a VERY public way so everyone would know that he was full of it! I was a good little girl and did just what my mom told me to do!

that Is why I find these so funny!

Hah good burn Freespirit!

LOL, That is funny.

Oh, didn't my mom tell me....