BellaOnline Forums Religion and Spirituality Buddhism Do Not Complain for 1 Month

I just came across this thread...and my only thought is... Wow! Can I start with an hour and go from there?

Oh, yep. Ok....

I'm starting.........................................................
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........now!

This is a great idea! In fact, it is almost the answer to a prayer for me.

I don't live near my family. My younger sister is always calling to complain about what my brother-in-law says to her husband at family get togethers. In fact, it's gotten so bad, that my sister doesn't even want to go to holidays with my family.

She calls me up to complain for hours on this issue, knowing that I also had problems with him when I lived there (one reason I left!)

I've found that when it comes to my sister, she can get me into rehashing the past to no good end. I feel terrible after I talk to her.

Now I can tell her I've taken a vow of "no complaining" for a month. Wont' be much fun for her to call and chew my ear off that way!

Thanks so much.

Oh, people like these are known as emotion leeches....

I have the perfect cure, and you're right, it's in this thread...
I had a woeful lady, continuously calling me to offload which was very draining and demoralising... our entire lives at home would revolve around discussing poor 'Dah-de-dah''s problems....

Then one day, it clicked.
I sat quietly and listened to her pouring her heart out (I swear to you she didn't take a breath in 40 minutes) then as she finished, I promise, I said this:

"Oh dear.....you are in a pickle, aren't you? Hey, guess what?? We're going to the theatre on saturday evening to see 'Starlight express!' I can't wait! have you seen it?'
There was silence at the other end of the phone.
Me: 'Hello? Are you there?'
Dah-de-dah: 'Yes, I'm here....'
Me: 'So....have you seen it?'
Dah-de-dah: 'No I haven't. Well, let me know what it's like, I might take the children. I have to go now, I have to get dinner on....'

And that was it.
Simple.

I never heard from her again.

Not complaining, just sharing a strong opinion that if you call a complainer's or Emotion Leech's bluff - they don't like it. You're supposed to listen to all their cares and woes, be sympathetic, take it all off of their shoulders - and they'll happily offload on to you, let you lose sleep over it, whilst they feel so much better at having swiped your great and receptive Positive energy from you, thank you very much!!

This is a very good way of taking care of yourself - and of them!

Well so far I'm starting again today

Yesterday I had ALL sorts of computer problems - two different viruses got onto my system, my anti-virus software couldn't find them (the 'free' one from Charter) so I had to track down a copy of Norton and install it, which blocked my email from working, etc. etc. So at one point I was swearing like a sailor

Today I didn't get up until 2pm and had to run to the Charter office to complain about my $250/mo bill (yes it has gotten insane) and their response was "too bad". This after the support people on the phone told me explicitly that if I went to the office they could get the price lowered. So that was frustrating.

However - once that was done, we went to the post office which was fine, then to the vet. And we had to wait 1/2 hr at the vet because a dog had a torn ear, but while my boyfriend was getting a little wait-crazy, I did my tree pose and other yoga moves in the waiting room and was quite peaceful and fine with it. So I suppose you can count me as being good from 2pm onwards today

Yes I am starting again too. My office is on the living room and Dan came barging into my workspace as usual this morning to tell me about his frustrating morning. Which was fine if I hadn't said, "do you have to barge all over me like that every time you walk to the kitchen?"

I really need to move my office to a more private area. I have no "door" so it seems i am always available.

I think the core of it is going to be tone and intention.

situation 1:
A group of five saffron-robed teens are sitting in a semi-circle facing an olive-robed elder. All are on a polished wood floor in an ancient temple. One wall is open to the mountains beyond. A gentle breeze drifts through the room, causing the incense smoke to drift slightly. One of the students looks up with limpid eyes and offers quietly,

"Master - it is hard to be aware all the time."

The master nods knowingly and responds,

"Yes, Grasshopper. But the greatest of mountains can be climbed once you take that first step."

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Situation 2 -
Jack, a surly teenager boy with an attitude, has been forced into a meditation course he needs to pass in order to graduate. He chews gum in class, loudly popping bubbles. He routinely text messages beneath his desk. He drums his fingers during the quiet sessions.

The teacher is giving an important talk on the history of meditation, and most students are paying attention - but Jack is busy cyber-bullying his ex girlfriend. He has just finished hitting the SEND button when the teacher calls on him. Jack looks up with a hostile glance, hiding his phone. His teacher holds his gaze.

"Jack, are you aware of what I just asked you?"

Jack's look becomes more surly.

"Yeah, well, it's hard to be aware ALL the time."

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I think if you are stating something as a factor to be aware of when planning out your goals - like "it is currently hard for me to touch my toes" - that it is an important thing to know and take into account. If you are stating it to be contrary or make excuses, as in

"Lisa, now touch your toes and hold for five minutes"

(Lisa, not even trying to bend)

"What, are you joking? There's no way I can touch my toes!!!"

then that isn't quite the same

Jill - on the Dan barging in, I think that gets into the emotional leeching we were talking about earlier. It is really hard to maintain a positive happy attitude if someone else around you is actively dragging you down. Which is hard when you're living with someone

But for example I told Bob about my quest, and this morning he woke me up at 2pm with a really happy attitude, woke me with my glowy sun-lamp, brought me up my chocolate shake and so on. So he was doing his best to keep our home attitude upbeat. That really makes a HUGE difference!

Then later when we were heading out to the cable company, he was already getting surly as we left. So just the fact that he knew we were "going to have to complain" got him surly. So then he snapped at me for not moving quickly enough, and I told him he sounded like Archie Bunker. So it really goes to show how just in the space of an hour the "emotional dynamics" of a home can change based on how one person is reacting to a situation.

Oh and also I definitely agree that a separate work area is KEY. When I work on my laptop in the living room I am interrupted constantly - but when I am in my office (even though it's just the next room over) I am pretty much left alone 100%.

I like that, Lisa. Great argument; I bow to your superior logic. Tone and intent is the answer.

And limpid eyes.