Wow, we just had a really interesting weekend. My DH's good friend and his wife were visiting, and he is a staunch Republican, Sicilian Italian with very traditional views on family and male female roles. Well, he and I really got into it this weekend. And he admitted that I totally blew him away. He admitted that he never thought about all of the issues I brought up around having kids, women's roles, the ways women get screwed by society, etc. I know for a fact that he will repeat our conversations with his somewhat sexist friends, and I think that's a good thing. He didn't agree with a lot of what I said, but I know I really made him think, and I feel good about that.
They have a 4YO daughter, and I didn't get into the heavy CF stuff until his wife went to bed. He brought it up again the next morning b/c he thought it was interesting, and his wife was there. I know for a fact that it made her somewhat uncomfortable b/c she is like some of the women I was talking about. But I don't think I was disrespectful, and I never said anything about them personally.
Anyway, here are some of the facts I educated him on;
That when women leave the workforce for years, it is challenging for them to get back in, and they typically make less money than they did before. And, if the couple divorces, it is usually the woman that ends up raising the kids, and if she compromised her career for the kids, she is screwed, or that she still makes less money b/c men are supposedly still "supporting families." He talked about life insurance if the husband dies, or settlement in the divorce, and I let him know that doesn't always work out well.
He was arguing that women are geared that way, and are made to have kids. And he was talking hunter/gatherer. I told him that not every woman is turned on by childcare, cleaning up after people, doing homework, etc. And I told him that not every society is built up this way. But that rampant sexism keeps wanting to put women in their place.
I also told him that a lot of women don't know there is a life outside of the home. I told him about the Italian SAHMs I know, and that everyone in their community adopts this lifestyle, and it isn't on their radar screen to do something else. And he saying what law prevents these women from working, and I said of course there's no law, but societal norms in certain communities make it very difficult for woman to step out of line. He just couldn't grasp that.
And I also told him about the peer pressure on women to have kids, and he didn't get that either. I told him about the dolls we are given to play with, and how strangers ask me when I am going to reproduce. And how hard it is for women to buck the trend.
I also told him how a lot of men want to go back to traditional roles b/c they don't want to help out around the house, and they want women stuck doing that stuff, in the name of religion or whatever. And I also told him that in many ways things are worse for women now, b/c we are told we can have it all, but we really end up doing it all. And that means a double shift for Moms that work outside of the home, and two full time jobs for the woman that stays at home. I was basically saying the woman always ends up doing more work, no matter what.
He and his wife are having problems, and his wife doesn't do much of the childcare with their daughter. To his credit, he does. He's a child of divorce, and says he would never divorce with a child in the house. His wife told me she gets pressure at work to have another child, and was telling me yesterday in the afternoon that she wants to have a second child. Last night after dinner, she told me she doesn't feel the same way about her husband anymore. Ding ding ding! She wants to have another child b/c she wants to complete the Norman Rockwell image, but she and her husband are barely surviving. I know they will be having some interesting conversations this week!
Her husband was blown away by all of the things I was saying, and to me it's just normal. I guess other people really don't think about this stuff the way we do!
Last edited by happytobechildfree; 04/06/08 05:43 PM.
