BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage What the #$$% is up with all this Masterbating

Don't mean to come across so crude but I am having a problem with this. I am married to an otherwise great guy who practices this on an almost daily basis. In the shower, in the shed, in the garage, in the furnace room, watching wrestling (ughh), getting up in the middle of night ocassionally watching some bouncing silly cone boobs, basically anywhere there are porny type looking chicks. Needless to say our sex life is limited. This is my second time around, him too although he is a widower and over 50. I believe this was going on with wife #1 as well. My 1st marriage was a complete disaster with an abusive paranoid schitzophrenic alcoholic who also got into drugs and committed suicide. So I was very careful next time and now this. BTW he is too tired most of the time. I am attractive and not overweight (which seems to be a problem for lots of men) I know he is turned on at the sight of bouncing boobs and has hidden porno flicks in the house & magazines. I am pretty disappointed that this is ending up this way. I look at the big picture and even tho I am complaining he is a very good person otherwise and causes me no grief in any other way. If I look at my life at my ripe old age now I ask myself am I better off with him or without him? The answer is obvious but how to handle this? It just makes me mad, I feel duped. I am considering some councilling for myself at least. I am old enough to know you can't change anyone. Let me say he is my best friend, business partner, we really get along well other than that aspect. Any ideas? What the [censored] is this all about?

Hey Whoa1,
Looks like your husband just can't relate to real sex with a real woman. He has psychologically based problems and can only relate sexually to fantasies. It is not you or your body that are his problem.

I would venture to guess that you had an abusive or otherwise dysfunctional child hood and really want to get out of the loop of choosing dysfunctional men. You want and deserve a healthy reciprocal relationship.

You are right, right right. You cannot change this man and his fantasy obsession. You can only change yourself. Only therapy can help you get to the bottom of why you continue to select men who will let you down in major ways. Unless he is ready to get into therapy and untangle the reasons for his dysfunction this marriage cannot work.

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. But you deserve much respect for recognizing that you need therapy to get yourself to the point where you can attract a healthy man into your life. This man is clearly not the husband you thought you had, and that a loving sex life is a part of that image. Perhaps one day you will be able to continue with a good friendship and business relationship, but chances are the marriage is over.

Shay

Are you the first person that he has been with since his other wife died? not to get personal but he may have had a great sex life with her but now that she has died he cant have sex with anyone else because he feels guilty like he is cheaping on his wife. most men dont see masterbation as sex so he doesnt feel like he is cheating on either one of you. Do you love him and is he willing to get help with this? those are to questions you have to ask your self and him. I would say maybe grief councoling or marrage councoling. he will not change over night but this would help.
if he is not willing to get help then How important is sex to you? How much can you take of this before it does damage to your self image?

I will pm you.

It could be that he is having a kind of personal crisis. I don't think his behavior necessarily means that he has some kind of porn fetish. The fact that he is "too tired" for you is an indication that your relationship is in trouble. If communication is difficult therapy could help, but you might be able to work through this yourselves. I'd approach it from the standpoint that you're feeling sexually frustrated and are wondering if he is unhappy...
Hope it works out for you.

Short of some mental derangement... no man prefers masterbation to sex..it's just not as good. So there must be something else that is behind it. Sit down and talk to him, don't attack him, see why he does it and offer to fill that role.

Don't forget that some people just have an insanely high sex drive, and at least he is staying at home.

What if you had a vibrator that you 'hid' in such a way he found it? and if you 'accidentally got caught' masturbating by him? maybe it would dent his ego to think you would rather do that than ask him / initiate sex and perhaps if he got a taste of his own medicine... he might appreciate how hurtful it can be?

His fantasies...
I think you should communicate with him. Reveal his sexual fantasies and try to cope with them...

lol linux... somehow i don't think walking in on your wife masterbating is a "bag thing" to most guys.. Most likely he will just want to watch.