BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Icky Thoughts

Hi everyone...it's been awhile, I've switched jobs and truth be told, I'm trying to stop "obsessing" over this whole "kid thing." (oops! it's not working).

Anyway, I'm in the midst of planning a ... BABY shower, believe it or not, for my best friend who is due in June - it was a "surprise" conception that happened simultaneously with her wedding, so things have been stressful for her--giving me an up close and personal (we work together) view of what a pregnancy is really like--the aches, pains, lack of sleep (just wait til the baby is born!!) sickness, fatigue, etc. And though I was on the CF side of the fence before, now more than EVER I am certain I will never go through this.

Anyway, this leads me to my icky thoughts. My SO just came home from dinner with his sister, who has NEVER mentioned having children, has openly made comments about not liking babies, etc. I had thought she would be my ultimate partner in crime but... guess what? She mentioned wanting an extra room for "if we have kids"! He was surprised, to say the least. I was upset and felt a twinge of what i THINK is jealousy! Like, why does SHE get to want kids and I still don't? The whole fear of my SO changing HIS mind cropped up, and now I'm just unbearable to be around, so I've closed myself in our den with my yucky thoughts (can't SOMEONE not be able to get pregnant five minutes after they start trying? Can't ANYONE just AGREE with me on this? What is wrong with me? Pity, pity, etc.)

It isn't helping that I'm surrounded by Baby [censored] all day. My other best friend is pregnant with her second, and I have three friends getting married this summer who "can't wait" to have kids. There is literally no one left around except my brother's girlfriend who is adamantly CF. I had been feeling so good and normal lately but then all the bingo-ing, the Baby Rabies and now this have left me feeling sad and alone and downright WEIRD again.

Okay, I'm finished. It felt good getting it out. I think I'm going to read thru the Alphabet game again -- you all made me laugh hysterically. Thanks for the kind ears...

Hi there!

It seems that your icky thoughts have manifested themselves when you have hung around people who are:
a) planning baby showers
b) making extra room for children not yet born
c) pregnant
d) married without children

These friends don't HAVE children yet so you can get info on how they like it once they have their babies. What I mean is--you may be having baby rabies because you are not getting an accurate picture of what daily life with children is like. You may be put off if you did.

Aside from the real life pregnant friend you have (and you have decided that that isn't for you,) you haven't recently been exposed to the realities of being around kids to be reminded of why you wanted to be CF in the first place. So don't be too hard on yourself.

Discuss with your SO. Babysit friends' children with him to refresh you memories on the realities of kids both good and not so good!

Also, other threads have discussed the idea of wanting to want children. It seems that this is where you think your twinge of jealousy is coming from? It's not uncommon to want to want children. There's nothing wrong with you or that. It's very good of you to have made the distinction between the "want to want" feeling and genuinely wanting kids.

Good luck! I'm sure other posters will have good information/advice as well.

I don't have any wise words. I just thought I'd comisserate, since I've thrown myself a teriffic pity party this evening and can really appreciate your feeling "sad and wierd". You are not alone. Your post helped me start feeling better. Hope you start feeling better soon too.

I totally get what you are feeling. It's happened to me a few times in the past year where suddenly it seems like EVERYONE has or wants babies. And yes, I sometimes feel the whole jealousy thing, which makes NO sense because I don't want kids, so why am I jealous?

I think because society puts so much worth on pregnant women and mothers that the rest of us just feel like maybe we're not as important? I don't know.

Good luck with dealing with all of this. It sucks.

What you are feeling makes total sense on many levels. First, I think that Inglibert is right that there is so much emphasis on the pregnant woman and mother idol - the Madonna figure. It is the psychological "mother earth" symbol that has been so romanticized. You begin to look at yourself and see something not so venerable if you haven't got the desire to be pregnant. Suddenly your value as a woman is diminished.

Next there is the Western Want Syndrome. We think we are just fine, then BOOM someone seems to be happier than we are. It suddenly becomes a powerful trigger to want what it is that they have in order to achieve "real" happiness. Suddenly your own happiness isn't good enough anymore. We are dutifully trained to respond to other's happiness with jealousy and this is compounded with the never ending influx of the media flashing images of what "happiness" really looks like. It triggers feelings of inadequacy, spawning the new desire for the "ideal" happiness that someone else gets to have and you don't.

Next there is the "us" and "them" disease. We tend to cluster ourselves with a particular sect of people that form the "us." They have similar belief systems which serve to bolster our own. We feel secure, validated in their company. Any one outside of "us" is "them." If members of our "us" team begin to turn their attention to "them" we feel betrayed, less powerful and somehow infiltrated. Suddenly we feel marginal and we begin to break down. Members of our "us" team are suddenly one of the dreaded "them."

"They" are perceived as the volatile enemy. "They" invade your sense of self by attempting to erode your perceived happiness. "They" also suffer from the Western Want Syndrome. "They" see others happiness and want what they have. In your case "they" are the mothers who long for the freedom of being CF. "They" don't want you to know that, though.

So, what to do? Love where you are, want what you have, feel your core beliefs and know that they are valid with or without approval and generate a support system that you can be flexible with. Most importantly, don't be hooked by the big lie - that your happiness is not good enough.

Shay

Well said Shay. I wish I were that articulate. I also appreciate Alison's observation of recognizing the "wanting to want" feeling. I often have this feeling myself. I sometimes think it would be easier if I "wanted" kids. Then I wouldn't feel like there's something weird about me.
I've known that I don't really want kids for most of my life, but I always though that I would want them someday. As I get older though, the reality is that I find I want them less and less with each passing year.
Hang in there Blond. I think what you're feeling is normal and it helps that you can come here and express those feelings.

I can relate, as can most people on the forum, to your feelings. 1 baby shower last week (which I skipped and got shunned from friends afterwards - and still), and three more to go before we hit mid-May. People don't understand my reasons for not wanting to go and I don't understand theirs.

Girls at work (all appx. age 27) are baby CRAZY even to the point where one girl is completely single and plans on being a single mom who goes through in-vitro with a sperm donor in order to do so.

Everyone around me is having babies, trying to have babies or wanting babies asap that it makes me sick and feeling like I'm a total loner. Thank God for this CF forum! I hope you can feel the same relief as you get things off your chest.

Edited to say:
I forgot to add that I also have those strange jealous feelings at times, but I do have to bring myself back to the idea AlisonT pointed out - they may be as a result of wanting to be what society (and me, at times) considers "the norm". It's not easy being an outsider. It's easy to blame and question yourself when you feel this way. Just be true to what your heart is telling you, not what your friends or temporary feelings are telling you.

i can definitely relate to this as well. it's hard to be on the outside of the norm.

"the "wanting to want" feeling. I often have this feeling myself. I sometimes think it would be easier if I "wanted" kids. Then I wouldn't feel like there's something weird about me."

not to minimize the struggle of the GLBT community, but this reminds me a little of someone who is a sexual minority who may at times feel like they wish they were hetero b/c it's easier, more accepted, etc. i know that their plight is a lot harder, and a lot worse b/c it's something fundamentally about who they are, rather than a life choice, but there are similarities. deep down, we are proud of who we are and know that we have given real thought to this life we choose to lead, but the constant defending of our choices, the constant de-valuing, bingoing, lack of respect, etc. is disheartening. it's normal to have moments of wanting to just make all of that go away. but, we can't make ourselves want something we don't really want. and going down that road would only lead to unhappiness. (again, similar to a gay man marrying a woman b/c it's easier, more accepted and then living a life he doesn't want to lead--a life that is not authentic and bound to lead to misery for everyone).

I don't know fbrittt, I'm one of those people that's ALWAYS known I don't ever want to bear a child, and never even gets the "want to want" feelings. For me it's not a lifestyle choice, it's my core identity. I would NOT be me if I wanted to have children.

I feel the same, GreyDrakkon. Wanting children would profoundly change who I am - it is an intrinsic part of my identity. I am actually quite comfortable with not fitting the stereotype, and not just when it comes to children. There is something very liberating about following one's own inclinations rather than worrying about social norms. If people are so narrow-minded that they cannot accept that we are all different and do not necessarily want to live the same lives, then that is their loss, as far as I'm concerned.