BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Well, it's Over

If the couple can't agree on the top three potential, most common marriage destroyers (money, kids and sex) it's just a house of cards, no matter how much laughter and fun they can muster.

That is so true! But I think if you are friends too (or friends first), you may have reached a comfortable level talking with each other, established respect for one another, and you may have already discussed to some degree where you stand on issues.

When conflicts arise, communicating with each other may be easier. Communicating respectfully is how one can resolve the top three. Just my experience.

I agree that you should be friends first, but all the same, I don't want to screw all my friends. (:: except you Tress. >;D )* Some people you can be friends with, but only if you're not around them too much. You really have to mesh in a certain way to be able to live with one another, and kids for a LOT of people is a dealbreaker, one way or another. For quite a few people, there IS no "middle ground" on having kids. As for money, well, I remember reading that money is the biggest reason for divorce. The money issue is usually bad communication and selfishness on one or both of the partners showing through and expressing itself through money though.

All three issues are multi-level and very complex. Friendship and communication are indeed important...no denying that. But I would agree with Grey in that the kid thing is a deal-breaker. I hope Terrence isn't gliding into this death-only-breaking union hoping the woman will change her mind on having kids if she still wants them. Likewise, I'm hoping he's not just leaving that decision up for grabs, thinking he's got time and can decide later on when he's fairly sure he doesn't want kids now. Communication is and will continue to be key, as will being honest with each other and themselves.

Ohh, Terrence - Becoming engaged should not feel so dreadful. It should be happy, fun-filled and joy-filled. I can't tell you if it is meant to be or not as a mere forum member who read your posts but what I can tell you is not to ignore the "kid" issue. It is one of the #1 deal-breakers in a serious relationship/marriage. You can't just be a little bit of a prent or a little bit pregnant. It will either be or it won't.

Ignoring it, putting it on the back burner or hoping that the problem will go away is not the adult, preparing for marriage thing to do. If she absolutely wants a child and you absolutely do not, the feeling will not go away. The issue has presented itself NOW for a reason. What happens when you ignore it today, move forward with a marriage and the day arrives when she says "I am ready for that baby now"? Face it today or you will face it tomorrow. Those are the options. Do not convince yourself that you live in a fairy tale kingdom instead of the real world or you will be in for a rude awakening.

My recommendation is to deal with this now and not five years from now or you, your future wife, a step-son and a dog are all in for a bigger heart ache than you are today and an even sadder story...and that is not fair to any of you. Be careful today so that in a few years we won't be reading another one of your posts involving your broken heart, a devastated little boy, an unwanted new child, a depressed dog and a hurt woman who feels that she was mislead by you.

I couldn't have summarized that better, jhmd. Well said.

Wow. I have to admit your lack enthusiasm and the discussion leading up to this makes it sound strange Terrence. I don't get why the sudden leap into marriage. It's just a piece of paper. You will be legally and financially tied to this person from then on. If you're not happy with the situation, marriage isn't going to improve it. For the sake of your prospective stepson, please think carefully if you really want to do this. He will come to depend on you to some degree...you are entering into becoming his family. It's a big responsibilty. You are an adult and have all the choice in the world on this, so there's no reason you shouldn't make sure you really want this.

I have to admit I got a REALLY bad feeling Terrence reading your post that you didn't feel very good about this.
Cold feet I have had myself - esp. being that I eloped AND married in a foreign country!!! - but basically I KNEW it was a good decision at the time. Yes I had slight doubts but most of me KNEW it was what I wanted and that I wanted us to stay together. Plus that not only did I love him but that I could depend on him.
As for hubby, he says that he KNEW I was the "one" when he first met me.
If this is what you want you have my blessing and I wish you all the best!
But if it's not - get out now.
I also keep thinking of the boy, wouldn't he be better to have a father who really WANTS kids rather than a father who DOESN'T?
I have had break ups - not over the kid thing, over other things, it's hard on us all but life does go on, honest.

Hey, where the heck is Terrence anyway?! We need more of his input and info to sort this all out

I agree too, that respectful communication can resolve anything. However, sometimes the resolution means that the couple can't stay together...

Terrence - Please give this lots of thought. Don't just give in because "everybody expects it." This is going to be two lives you're determining the future of. Make sure it IS what you want.