BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Trust

I've been married to my husband for a year; we've lived together for six years. I have very little reason for not trusting him; however, whenever he is somewhere without me, I immediately think he could be doing something wrong. For example, Saturday night he went to a party that I didn't want to go to. It was an hour away, so he said he'd probably sleep over. So I found out the next day that at the end of the night it was just him, another girl, and one other couple playing cards. I immediately jump to the conclusion that they must have slept together, what with alcohol flowing and all.

I know this is my problem and my issue. I just don't know how to get over this trust issue. Any advice out there?

Laura

I was like you when I was first married I am still not sure that I was wrong for being suspicious. Have you mentioned your feelings to your husband? Was there a reason that you didn't go to this party? Does he make plans like this often involving the same people? That is a sign I would look for, planning overnights involving the same people and you not being able to attend. If it is something that only happens every 6 months or so, then I would chalk it up to him just needing time with his buddies.

The longer you are married, the more trusting you become. I have been married over 20 years and fully trust my husband now, but I was a lot like you in the beginning. Hope this helps.

Thanks so much for your input. He hardly ever goes anywhere without me. I was just tired and really didn't feel like going. We really do everything together. That's why I find it so disturbing that I have these feelings. Good to know that time makes us stronger.....just need to get through the next 15 years..... ;-)

Just a quick question, Laura. Have you and your husband ever stayed over night after a party together before? Are overnights normal for the two of you? I don't mean to imply that you should be suspicious, but do you know the girl that was at the party?

Shay

We have stayed overnight before together, but it is a rare ocassion. Because of the distance away from our house and my husband's tendancy to have a few drinks, I understood the sleeping over.
Yes, I knew this girl. Probably one reason why I feel bad about it, because I don't like her and always feel that when we see her (not often) she's a little overly friendly towards my husband. This is truly an awful feeling to have in the pit of my stomach.

Laura, I do not mean to put any further doubts in your mind, but I feel it is natural to have the thoughts and fears you do. One hour is not a heck of a long way to drive and get back home to you, his wife. To me it sounds like a flimsy excuse to "stay over" because of drinking too much. So, drink less if you are not with your spouse and make sure you get back home to her/him is my way of thinking. I would make it clear to your husband that a definite agreement between the two of you needs to be reached. And I do not understand why a married person would even go to a party without their spouse, much less to "sleep over" and not come back home. Does he know how you feel about this woman?

If you are worried, how would it be if you just completly were honest and asked him? I would. I could not let it knaw me, if I had a worry like that. An hour is not long, unless someone is drinking, then it does make more sense.

Sue that was so lovely to hear. I hope my husband and I are happy after 20 years too. God bless you both. May the next 20 years be more amazing than the first.

I agree with both Phyllis and Nicola. It feels inappropriate for a married man to stay over night after a party without his wife. This is compounded with the fact that he was in the same house with a woman you see being overly friendly with him. If he feels he must stay over because of too many drinks, he probably should just stay home with you if you can't go. That way everyone is in the clear and no inappropriateness will cause suspicion.

You really need to be honest with your feelings with your husband. It's the best way for you each to communicate the way you feel about it and to come up with a solution that works for both of you.

Shay

I was in a very similar situation with my fiance. He wanted to go to a New Year's Eve party (this was over a year ago, ringing in 2007) his friend was hosting at the marina where the friend keeps his boat, 45 minutes away. I really didn't feel like going, mostly because we would know no one but the host and his wife. My fiance didn't really seem to mind that. He just wanted to take advantage of an opportunity to unwind and hang out with his buddy. He told me before he left that he knew he'd be doing some drinking and wouldn't come home until morning. I was completely alright with that. He called me at midnight to say "Happy New Year" and that he would tell me about the party the next day.

It never occurred to me to be worried. Not even after he told me about the tipsy women who came on to him. We shared a laugh about them and I never gave it a second thought.

Trust doesn't have to take 20 years.

It sounds to me like you and your DH need to have a nice long talk about your feelings now, not wait a decade or two to see if you feel better. Be non-accusatory, but honest.