BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I think I've regressed - need bolstering

Hi all. I think I need a pep talk from my wonderful online friends. I've been feeling weird lately and not so confident about my decision to be CF. I'm trying to get to the bottom of what's going on, but I've been at a bit of a low ebb. I've been working really hard and am under a lot of pressure there. As a result I've been feeling isolated from community and networks and feeling a strange emptiness. DH is getting over-stressed about work, money, the house etc and is distracted. Someone posted recently about how their husband felt like he was living an adolescent lifestyle because of not being a parent. I read that and wondered if that's how I was feeling. I think what's going on is a general dissatisfaction in life about working all the time, and also my health is not at its best - well, I haven't really been looking after myself.

I'm sort of feeling, what's the point of it all?? All this striving and working hard?? And as well, I think I'm feeling a bit lonely or empty?? In that "western society" sense...

Much to my horror, I started asking myself this week if I might not feel this way if I'd had children and they needed me, and brought life etc to the household.

I wish I wasn't feeling these things. I think generally I long for a sense of community and this world doesn't offer it.

I've been reaching out again to friends and today we had a group of friends here for brunch. That was great. Filling the house with camaraderie and laughter. Yesterday I went for a long walk along the beach with my friend who lost her baby at 8 months pregnant. That was great too - spending time with a friend who needs me.

I spoke to my best friend today - she is in Singapore. She is living a really amazing life in a high salaried exciting global role, with her artist husband and her cool little 8-year old boy. She has glamorous friends and travels through Asia and her husband looks after her son. Her apartment gets filled with interesting people who are parents of her son's friends. She really does seem to have it all and I always have an inadequacy attack after talking to her.

How can I gain a sense of purpose, community and nurturance in my life that gets me feeling not so empty and work-focussed, without exhausting myself? How can I have children in my life without giving birth to them?

Is it normal to have occasional feelings like this - can anyone relate? Has it got anything to do with being CF???

I should feel amazing - new husband, work in the arts (my passion), live by the sea.

Sorry, I feel almost blasphemous saying these things on our great CF forum...

I think it's normal for everyone to feel like this from time to time, to be honest. I have a girlfriend with a 10 year-old daughter who confides in me about this sort of feeling all the time... it is definitely not restricted to CF people.

Don't believe all the hype from the moomies. Having a sprog does NOT fulfill your every wish and desire in life and make a person full and complete and satisfied and purposeful.

Your friend may:
a) be satisfied from her job and not necessarily her kid
b) be faking it -- people do this surprisingly often, or she may not be faking it necessarily but she might be one of those people that just always "sells" herself and makes everything she does sound incredible

I can relate because I have another friend who always makes everything she does sound SO MUCH BETTER AND MORE IMPORTANT than everything I do. She would talk and it sounded like she was living in this artistic community and about to start her own commune of ecologically-friendly people. Well, I visited her, and really all she was living in was a filthy trailer full of pot-smokers. Really. But by her talking, I was so jealous of her supposedly full and rewarding life. Don't believe the hype.

Pinecone, thanks SO MUCH. This really was the best response/advice I could have hoped for, because I was also talking to a mommy friend yesterday. She is a really close friend. I confided in her a feeling of emptiness and wanting to be needed (this is partially also being brought on by my two sisters not bothering to contact me or return my phone calls over the last two months - they are lazy and always expect me, little sister to make the effort or just be there when THEY feel like contacting me). My mommy friend said "the thing is, if you had children you wouldn't feel this - you would get that sense of being needed by your children". I hate when people get me like that in a low ebb.

That is such a great point about not believing the hype. It's hard not to with my friend in Singapore. She appears to have created an incredible life. The thing is, you have made me realise how easily I can create hype about my own life. I can make it sound incredibly exciting and fulfilling. But the truth is, I'm feeling rather empty.

Do you ever feel you're in a transitional phase where you are growing into a bit of a different person with different priorities and the growth is a little uncomfortable? I think that's maybe where I am right now. Working 10 hour days and feeling really important at work just isn't cutting it for me any more and I'm reassessing my priorities and trying to feel brave enough to make a change.

I just found that thread about spiritual growth from the last week and i am finding that SOOOO helpful, thanks everyone.

Hi Feebee,

I must say, I read your initial post and then read Pinecone's answer and I agree completely with Pinecone's assessment of your friend. Your friend in Singapore sounds a little inconsiderate to make these comments to you. You both lead very different lives. Your Singapore friend seems to have certain opinions on your life that she feels comfortable voicing to you, which is understandable since she is a good friend. However, it may have been more constructive of her just to listen, because she is contributing to your present feelings of inadequacy.

I do agree with your assessment also that work and lack of friend contact has had an effect on your life. I'm the person who wrote in and said that her husband feels we lead an adolescent life (I disagree.) He works 11-12 hour days (like you) and therefore, also doesn't have time to cultivate friendships. He finds this very difficult as well and I think it is certainly contributory to his "low energy phase" he is going through at the moment. Maybe you are right that your present lifestyle is causing you to feel this way? Try to change that part first, if you can--rather than something very drastic and permanent as your CF stance.

I know what you mean by still feeling that children may be rewarding to have in your life even though you are CF. I am a teacher and one of the reasons I teach is to have the rewarding "purpose" of kids in my life without actually possessing one! A Big Brothers and Big Sisters organization may be something to look into if you are able to cut down your working hours. Otherwise, many people on this forum are Aunts, volunteer in young girls'/boys' organizations (brownies/cub scouts)or babysit friends' children for some afternoons to enjoy kids without being a parent.

I got that empty/something's missing feeling a few months back and typed to the forum to explore. Most people said to find what interests you and your DH and either explore them together or on your own. I have since organized 2 trips with DH, one with a girlfriend, taken up piano, will look into Italian lessons this week and have started to read more widely. Increasing things to do in your free time may help you also.

I hope you feel better soon. I also hope you are able to cut down your stress levels and acquire some free time to rest and explore more fulfilling options for your spare time. Perhaps then, you can reassess your empty feelings.

((Hugs))

Hey - I have always been CF and knew I would be when I was a teenager. But there have been times when I used to have to leave the room when a baby commerical was on tv.

If you want to see what life would be like with kids, or a kid, try taking someone's child or children for a weekend to give them a break. "Try before you buy" kinda thing.

The wanting to feel needed - everyone does!! Why not try your hand at volunteering in your community. It will fill your need to be needed and will help other people as well. You could volunteer with kids, with adults, with seniors, with animals....

The worst thing you can do is compare yourself to someone else. To me, it sounds like YOU have it made!!!

ps...if you ever change your mind about being CF and really find you do want kids - there is nothing wrong with that, either!

Feebee -

I think that what you're feeling right now might be accentuated if you had kids. Because then you'd have another thing stressing you out and restricting you from being able to spend time with your friends. Just the way I see it.

Hi Feebee,

I think you have nailed your own problem, but then veered off to an imaginary solution. I agree with the other posters - having a child is not a cure for feelings of emptiness.

What you need is to start taking care of [i] you. [/i] You are feeling empty because the physical things in life are not satisfying your inner self.

Where are you spiritually in your life? What I see is your inner self longing to be recognized. In our culture we put so much focus on everything outside of our selves that the inner part goes into desert mode. You need nurturing and refreshment - from the inside.

My best advice as a certified life coach is that you start by taking a yoga class. There you will find other people who are nurturing their inner selves - it's a wonderful community to connect with to make new friends and learn new ways to nourish your body and soul. You will draw oxygen into your cells, wake up your tissues and allow your mind to be still so that you are able to listen to what is going on inside of you.

Shay

I agree with most of the others as well.

It is really no different when our mommy friends confide in us and tell us how lonely they feel and that the only friends they have are the friends of their kids and that is ALL they talk about. Ya know, the grass is always greener on the other side.

My DH and I were talking about this very thing..We would probably not have lots of friends until we get older and everyone's kids are grown...b/c "you" usally hang with the parents of your kids friends.

Maybe you feeling of emptieness" has nothing to do with kids. I mean, you have some stress..and your DH as well...finances, etc. imagine that same stress with a child??? I think we all go through chances in life when we are like...What am I doing? Is this it??? But I know that parents go through the same thing, they just don't have to time to live for themselves and sit and think what could make them happier. They just live through their kids..AND IS THAT THE REAL ANSWER? That is way a lot of parents get a divorce once the children leave the household..b/c they feel like they haven't been "living" and they want a drastic change!!!

Maybe go talk to counselor..psychologist..Just remember we all have ups and downs. But if you want a child...really want a child then that is fine too.

My best friend is my partner. We have acquaintences but not a lot of external close friends. When there's stress, house, finances, job, etc. it can get lonely as we each muddle through the emotions behind our stress - we talk about it, but we're both highly emotional people and will be going through our own internal perspectives.

I truly don't believe children fill that "void-thing". Personally, I know many people who have children and even the Erma Bombeck types are lonely in their roles, they just don't advertise or have time enough to introspect. At some point they will usually confide they would give anything to "get-away" at least for a while and it's wild to see how much their face lites up when I suggest a night out, like they never conceived such a thing.

Anyway, for my partner and I we spontaneously bought a game called a Wild Affair. It mixes how you first met, what you found most attractive in your partner, etc. to more intimate matters, like what you wish your partner would do to suprise you, etc. Both our moods have lightened significantly bringing more play, fun decisions and laughter in general to our days. It's very tastefully done...he even wants to get one for his mom.

Another thing we have done is picked something new we both can learn together, like a video game, new cousine and this one is really cool, we pick a book the other has not heard of and read to them in bed before lights out

Elleise
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c) Be one of the very, very lucky ones who has a husband who does more than 50% of looking after a kid..

Let's be honest.. when you have a kid, 90% of the time.. it's YOUR responsibility and even if the bloke is the 'breadwinner' .. you have to look after the kid 24/ 7 as oposed to 40 hours a week.

Hell... if my hormones did kick in.. and my reason for not having kids was purely down to how much work I would have to do... and my partner was like hers... I would consider having kids if I wanted them!

Just think... a kid... keep job.. do interesting things.. with interesting people... in interesting places and when the kid gets too much, go away again..

.. oh wait, hang on.. that's what most Fathers do anyway...

The whole 'needing' thing.. couldn't you volunteer and be a counsellor for children or something like that? help kids already in the world? :-)