BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Negativity

To give you a little bit of history, me and husband got married very young (19) we are now 22. We got married for wrong reasons-I wanted out of my parents house and I didn't want to live with another girl...we met and married within a little over year of meeting each other so we married really fast. When I was 14 I found out my dad was having an affair, and it continued on up until I moved out at 19. My mom knew about it the whole time and ALL they did was fight (and they still do). I wanted and prayed for my mom to leave my dad but she never did (she said it was because she didn't want me to go through a divorce)...my mom is still with my dad today. I can say it was truly awful growing up with an unfaithful dad and listening to him on the phone with another woman saying he loves her. I was disgusted with him and mad at my mom at the same time for staying with him. He was a good money-maker for the family but he never raised me or gave me love (when I found out about the affair I didn't even want to talk to him). I was boy crazy growing up and loved their attention, although I was extremely self-conscious up until recently I've become a more confident person. So, the first year of marriage was extremely hard for me-we had never lived together and adjusting was difficult. I know I didn't love him when I married him, like I said I married for wrong reasons. I couldn't trust him for a very long time. After a month of being married I caught him looking at porn and he lied to me, he knew I didn't approve of that and I felt very degrated ( I was so scared he would turn into my dad). All in all, the first year was awful. Now after being married for 2 years I've grown to love him so much, but I have so much negativity. I'm a moody person, quiet, and a loner, it just seems I can be negative about anything! Especially when other people are happy, I become unhappy and sort of jelous. And I'm wondering if it's from my upbringing. My mom is a very negative person. For example, when I hear about people getting married at a young age like I did--I have nothing but bad things to say. Like marriage isn't what you thing it is, and you don't even know what love is at such a young age. I can be seriously mean when it comes to that kind of stuff! It's so weird because even if my marriage is going great I don't want other people to know--I want them to think I'm not happy and I don't know why I do that! . Also, I hate seeing couples being touchy (holding hands, kissing, even hugging!) and I think it's because I was always so grossed out seeing my parents doing that---they always fought, made up, fought, made up ect. I think it's so odd that these kind of feelings and things are coming up now that I'm 22. I know alot of you probably can't relate and I don't really have anyone to talk to about this besides my husband, I just wanted some input. I kind of feel like I need counseling but not sure. Any advice as to what I'm feeling?

HI,
It can't hurt to get counseling. I had a very abusive & terrible childhood & teen yrs. due to many different problems within my family. I had alot of anger too. I did get married very young too. I can relate to wanting to get out of the house. But from the start I was head over heels in love with my husband. He did betray my trust in many ways. He also came from a very sick family. But we both got help. We had alot of serious problems for yrs. When I got help & started to change myself it did make a difference in my life. I also can relate to what you said about being boy crazy & seeking attention.

I did that for yrs. When I was younger & also separated yrs. later, I was always looking for love & acceptance from men. Well, I did not get the love I was looking for before marriage & when we were separated. I was used. It made me feel worse about myself. For a long time I confused sex with love. My Dad also cheated on my mom alot. She did not seem to care. As long as he did not bother her for sex. I know to many people they see porn as a normal thing. I would say that most men see it as a part of life. But I grew up with that stuff out in the open in my parents home. It really confused many things for me.

Your upbringing & lack of trust will cause alot of anger. I went through periods where I was so angry for a long time. I would go off on people. Then I went through periods where I had no self esteem to speak up & stand up for myself. I also went through times where I had no balance. I was a doormat. Your upbringing does have alot to do with it. But you have to realize that now you are a adult & have to be responsible for your own actions. I would get jealous when I would see happy & sucessful people too. But now I am glad when I see people who are happy & have alot going for them.

There is good & bad in all marriages & relationships. No one has a perfect life, no matter what you see. Does your husband love you? I asked that because you said at 1st that you did not love him. I would go for the conseling if I was you. You have nothing to loose. Go alone & you also can ask your husband to go with you. Who knows why your Mom is stil with your Dad. It sounds like she did not have the self esteem to leave. Instead of being angry with her, try to have some compassion. Your mom is human. Maybe that is the best she could do at the time & now.

You can't control how your parents are or what they do. You can be in charge of how you are & how you handle things. Be good to yourself. Love & respect yourself 1st. I'm not a Dr. but you might be depressed. Maybe it is just sadness about the past & some problems in the present. I used to get so overwhelmed with anger & negative feelings that I pushed good people out of my life. All it did was hurt me. Even if you feel that negative you can fake it till you make it. Try to find something positive to focus on. I know it may sound silly. It did to me at 1st. Once I heard someone talk about how they took a walk & really started to appreciate the beauty of nature. The pretty flowers etc. I thought to myself at the time, give me a break! My husband yrs. ago was drinking & on cocaine & I'm going to see how nice the flowers look!!!!!!!

But I started to do that. I also went to Al-Anon meetings & made friends with people who had good lives despite their problems. I also went for therapy. Sometimes It helped. Other times it did not. But I had to help myself too. I love to walk & I did start to notice the simple beauty around me. Sometimes it helped me to write down my feelings & let them go. You are not alone with what you posted about how you feel. I'm sure many people who read it can relate alot. I Hope that you feel better & I thank you for sharing this. There were times where I thought I was crazy for thinking some of the same things. But I was not crazy & you are not either. The very best of luck to you. Judy K. from Chicago which is still too cold even though it is Spring.

You need to talk with someone preferably a therapist. You have a tremendous amount of baggage that you are carrying from your childhood and teen years. Your emotions will eat you alive if you don't get help.

Question 1: Are drugs or alcohol involved in your life?

Question 2: Do you and your husband communicate, really talk
about what your individual and together goals are?

Question 3: What do you want to have in your life as a couple?

Until you get counseling I would not think of starting a family. No child has ever "saved" a marriage.And please know that you do not have to have children if you choose not to do so.

Porn is a common source of fighting in a marriage and can make a woman feel a lack of self-esteem. Please understand that.

Have a talk, a series of talks, with your husband.

BTW, you do not mention what you both do. Jobs? Education?

I think it would be very wise for you to get counseling. You say after 2 years married you find you love your husband. I'm hoping he feels the same..if so - lighten up on yourself...be happy...seek counseling on how to do this...I wish you and your hubby the best and hope you will keep us posted with your good progress.....my best to you...Ruthy

Rebekah,

As a certified life coach, here is what I see happening with you, for what it is worth:

I agree that counseling is absolutely in order for you. Your mind-tape of negativity is being recognized by your rational self as really "not you" and you really do want to stop. I believe that this negative mind tape, or "voice echo" belongs to your mother and you need to let it go.

This voice echo is your defense mechanism - you are jealous of other people's happiness because it's what you really want, but don't know how to get it. So you allow your mother's view of the world to cloud over a lovely situation that you could be learning from instead.

You want and deserve happiness and this should be your goal. I would suggest therapy just for yourself. This way you can explore who you really are inside, apart from your mother's perpetual mind tape that rents space in your head, and away from the distraction of your husbands issues. You need to allow yourself to develop your own thoughts and ideas away from anyone else's.

I believe that you married this man because deep down you knew that he would keep your negative mind tapes in a constant state of validation. When he does things that aggravate or demean you, the mind tapes are always ready to sound off. (BTW, what is your husband's response to your negative reactions to everything?) But you are beginning to wake up to the idea that this is not something that you want to continue.

If you want changes in your life, you've got to start with [i]you.[/i]

Shay

I agree with the others -- counseling can help. (I have a friend who got counseling, and it saved her marriage.)

Your reactions to visible signs of a normal, loving relationship are undoubtedly rooted in your childhood home life. But remember -- you are aware of this, you are interested in changing, so you have a huge leg up.

FWIW, despite what people tend to think, getting married young isn't always a bad thing. I was 19 (and 3/4's -- I claim that if you are under 20, you should add the fraction!) when I got married, and in May, we will celebrate our 27th anniversary. There is a LOT of adjustment needed, by both partners, in a marriage, and it isn't always easy. But the good times and the love make up for the effort.

Thank you for all your help! To answer some questions I'm a substitute teacher and in my last year of school-I'm a psych major. My husband is an account manager at a furniture/appliance store. No drugs or alcohol are involved in our relationship. We do communicate alot and my husband does love me. I've been thinking about seeing a therapist to get help for "me". I know I need to focus on my problems and life outside of my marriage. Thank you all so much.