BellaOnline Forums Relationships Divorce Vulnerability After Divorce??

Ok..so I've been reading about relationships after divorce. I am trying to find something to help me learn to trust again. However, everything I find is about how vulnerable people are after divorce..especially if you were cheated on. The things I've read say that you have been rejected so you are searching for the slightest hint of validation from the opposit sex. Hence the reason you are suppose to find friends of the same sex to talk to about the divorce.

I was cheated on and abandoned by my husband and it hurt like...hmm, well, it hurt so bad that it was unlike anything else I've ever felt. It tore me apart and shredded my life to pieces. I've grieved my losses and still grieve for what I've lost. It has been the hardest year of my entire life. I still cry at night and hardly ever feel truely "happy," though I do pretend alot, hoping the "pretend" will become "real" feelings. My divorce still isn't final.

However, I have no desire to feel validated by another man. The way I feel is, "I don't need [censored] from a man." I want nothing to do with them romantically and cringe at the thought of being romantically touched by one. I am not vulnerable. I have lots of guy friends and have no romantic inclinations at all. In fact, I feel uncomfortable if I think they may have a romantic intent.

So, why is it that everything I read is about people who are vulnerable and may give in to sexual desires, etc with almost anyone of the opposite sex who shows an interest??? That is very untrue in my case.

If you have any thoughts, I'd love to hear them.

I went through the same thing. I didn't date for six years. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. It gave me time to accomplish so many things outside of this type of relationship. I went back to college, graduated, started working in a new field, raised my kids.

I STILL FEEL that I don't need any [censored] from a man. Although I do have a boyfriend now.

It's perfectly OK and normal to NOT want a relationship. I don't know why society tries to make us feel bad for not wanting a relationship. Give yourself plenty of time, plenty of space, learn to love YOU. Learn what you WANT out of life outside of men.

THEN if you ever do meet a man who fits what you need to a T you'll be ready.

This is weird but at about year five, of no dating (on purpose), my dad said "someday you're going to fall in love again" and I laughed and I said "Unless God drops a guy that has all the qualities I want on my doorstep, it's not happening.." and I proceeded to list all the qualities:

Same political affiliation
Same Religion
Same beliefs about sex
Smart
Funny
Big hands
TALL

I mean I listed it all, down to the really, really shallow desires...

Well at almost year 7 in year six I realized that I knew this guy at my church. HE was it.

I don't take [censored] out of him either. lol I demand happiness, and I demand being treated well. NOTHING wrong with that.

As to giving in to sexual desires there are other ways to remedy that problem, as I used to say, "I can do it better myself anyway"... rofl

Ditto, Stephenie! I am divorced for 5 years now and loving not dating! About 6 months after my divorce I went into therapy because everything seemed to be falling apart in my life. I learned so much about myself and my choices in men, I can't even tell you. I, like so many women did not have a strong male role model to follow. I see men completely differently now. I feel wise, empowered and capable. Should the right man come along, I will be ready for him and a good, healthy relationship. I read that you should write down one hundred qualities you want in a man. If you can't think of that many, you aren't really clear about what you want which means that you are not ready for a relationship. I have about a hundred listed and have put it aside. When it is meant to happen, it will! Be where you are and the rest will follow.

CF gal your instincts are telling you to step back from getting romantically involved. Society doesn't know your story or where you need to be. Only you do, so trust yourself above all else. If men are a turn-off to you right now, it's for a good reason!

Shay

I was married to an alcoholic for 14 years, then proceeded to date men like him after he died. Well - after the last 3 year on and off again guy....that was it. I haven't dated for a while and I have never had so much self esteem in my life!!! Never once did I get THAT from a man!!!

Wow, you guys this is great! My divorce has been final for just about 2 years now. My ex cheated on me through our entire marriage and I never knew it until he told me he wanted a divorce. So, I totally understand the trust issue. He was also verbally and mentally abusive. One thing that I've been left with is this sense of being somewhat needy. I absolutely hate that! I never used to feel needy at all and now I feel a certain neediness bubble up every now & then.

Unlike most of you, I have a need to be married. I also did the list thing -

same views on sex
same religious affiliation
smart - at least a master's degree
caring
understanding
trust worthy
looks good in a suit (yep a shallow one)
someone I can have a good conversation with
someone who is my best friend
etc

About a year after my ex told me he wanted a divorce, I started dating again. Ten months later I began talking with Michael. Since he lived in Florida (me in Massachusetts) we simply would call each other twice a week and talk for an hour or two or three. It was really nice to chit chat with someone who is intelligent and didn't feel the need to ask me lewd questions & such. We really got to know each other by talking on the phone and became friends.

Michael & I are now engaged and we will be getting married next March.

I'm one of those vulnerable people. I did go through another abusive relationship - that lasted about 6 to 8 weeks. At least, it didn't last 8 years. I got out before things got too far. I definitely don't want to go through abusive marriage - I'm not *that* needy!

Thank you all for sharing your stories...it helps alot to hear your thoughts and to see there are people out there who understand where I am coming from. Society can make things much tougher than they really are sometimes.

Shay, I will certainly try out the list of 100 qualities I want in a man. That's a good idea. I also went to therapy for awhile, but found that attending a divorce support group turned out to be much more healing for me.

Stephanie and Jeanne -- I'm glad you finally found someone special. Good for you! And Jeanne, congratulations on your engagement...how exciting! And kuddos for staying strong and getting yourself out of that abusive relationship. Question -- how did you two convince yourself to let down your guard for your special someones? I'm afraid I will never be able to allow anyone to get close enough to me to know if they are that special person (I suspect this is something I need therapy for).

Stephanie, you said, "It's perfectly OK and normal to NOT want a relationship. I don't know why society tries to make us feel bad for not wanting a relationship. Give yourself plenty of time, plenty of space, learn to love YOU. Learn what you WANT out of life outside of men."
This is what I need right now...I need to get to know myself and focus on ME for awhile. It is like I was in a car driving down one, familiar road and suddenly I've been put on a strange road in the dark with no headlights. I need time to turn the lights on and determine which way "I" want to travel. I need to figure out who I am without a man. And so far, I'm doing pretty good I think. But it doesn't happen overnight.

It is frustrating that others do not accept this...I keep getting, "Soo, are you ready to start dating again?" or "So, when are you gonna get back in the game?" Or "When do you think you'll be ready?" OR "You should be out there looking. You're ready by now" from friends and family. I'm sure they don't mean any harm, but they are overstepping my boundaries and being intrusive. Did you get anything like that? And how did you handle it? I just say, "no not ready yet...still trying to process all of this and heal." Then, I change the subject.

Shay, you said, "CF gal your instincts are telling you to step back from getting romantically involved. Society doesn't know your story or where you need to be. Only you do, so trust yourself above all else. If men are a turn-off to you right now, it's for a good reason!"
Good point!

As you could tell by my first post, there is no way I'm going to be dating anytime soon. But now I feel more comfortable with my feelings. And I'm sure over the next divorce support group, I will also feel better as this is my topic to bring up

Many of my friends did the same thing... tried to set me up, tried to tell me I should be ready by now, or it's about time, or even more crass in that "you need to get l@@d" but I didn't fall for it.

Also, when I looked at my friends who were in relationships I didn't think theirs were so hot to start with! haha So I'd ask them straight out if they kept bothering me.. What is so darn great about your relationship that you think I should have one too?

Sometimes that would shut them up.

But, really you have to follow your own road. I think it is sort of like being in a car accident, where you are rearended.... and every time you get in the car you keep looking in your rear view mirror waiting to get hit again...

You just have to take your time. You'll know when you've had enough. But you know many woman NEVER want to get married again. I have a boyfriend but I don't want to get married. I don't know when or if I ever will.

My grandmother's husband died and she says she'll never marry again, and many men seem to want her. She said to me "Why in the world would I do that again?" By all appearances she had a good marriage of over 50 years to my grandfather. She's very independent and happy right now as things are.

Sometimes I think married or attached women get insecure around us if we're not attached. I lost a lot of my attached friends during the six years I was not dating.