BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Becoming a CF Role-Model

I was thinking about this today...it is really important that women that don't want kids choose to be CF and open about it to be role-models to girls and women out there that might want to make the same choice.

One time I was doing research on women that wanted to go back to work after giving up their jobs for kids, for 1 or 2 decades! And they were saying things like "Oh I don't know what to tell my daughter. Should I say try hard in school? But then when she becomes a mother she have to give up all that they worked for...what's the point?" (Listening to them made me 500% sure that being CF was the way to go for me. Note that this particular mom never thought about advising her daughter that she could both pursue her goals AND become a mother). I was thinking Wow, if this woman's daughter wants to be career-oriented or CF or both, she is going to have a really hard time getting support from her mother.

But anyway, girls have TONS of role-models out there in terms of how to be a good mom (or not so good). But I bet there are fewer CF role-models out there...not to convince them that they shouldn't have kids, but to convince them that if they just don't have that desire, they can still be awesome women with fullfilling lives...

jvo37--thank you so much for this post!!! What you wrote has really resonated with me and made me see my behavior in a new light. I've said on this board how I don't feel 'safe' in real life to admit that I am adamantly cf. How I know my family/friends wouldn't be accepting of my stance unless I tell them "we're not sure yet", etc. But wow, you make such a good point--how will that stigma ever change if we don't stand up and proudly just be who we are, no apologies! And how can we teach young women and men that it is a healthy and valid choice to be cf if we shame ourselves into not admitting it! Everyone on this board is so wonderul--thoughtful, caring, smart, funny, living a challenging, exciting, fulfilling life, and we would ALL be great role models for girls--or children in general as they make their way and decide how they want to live their life.

Maybe my friends won't accept me as cf, but I bet their kids will!

i've thought about this a lot lately b/c i've longed for more CF role models and the main one that i had (my amazing aunt, who i've mentioned on this board before) was so essential to my development and acceptance of being CF. i hope i can serve that role to other kids some day.

When I was a child, my mom had a boss, Barbara, that was CF (or I thought she was). She and her husband had a cute little condo and they did many couple activities. I loved visiting them. They were kind to me, which probably wasn't too hard for them since I was mellow, mature and careful with people's things. (A typical only child mini-adult.)

I always thought of Barbara & Ron and told myself that if I decided to get married (I'd also considered staying with my mother & Grandmother forever )my husband and I would have a life just like theirs. They seemed so happy and relaxed all the time. Kids would ruin that.

Years later, when I was in my late teens, Barbara and Ron decided to have a baby. She must have been in her mid-40's by then--my mom hadn't worked with her for years--but they sent a shower invitation to us. We went to the shower and I couldn't get over seeing Barbara, my CF role model, pregnant. She looked very happy, and I was happy for her, but inside I was crushed. Was there no one out there who didn't have kids? Why wasn't the lovely life they'd made togeher good enough without brnging kids into the picture?

I still think of them sometimes and hope they are well. I suppose the kid's out of the house by now (or nearly) and they'll probably go back to their life like it was before. At least, I hope they will. SO many people lose their relationship when they have kids. The kids leave home and they don't know who that other person is. Barbara and Ron were too good a couple for this to happen to them. Plus, an only child isn't as distracting as a few of them, and Mom told me later that they only ended up having the one son.

I hope to be a CF role model to the next generation too. Teenagers really like my husband and I, and they often talk with us about things they won't talk with their parents about. We just sort of figured it's because we still dress young, like alternative/rock music and drive little sports cars. And we don't have kids, of course, so we're not as "adult" as their parents.

Anyway, we're responsible, but we have fun and they see that. If there's a CF kid out there, I hope she'll be able to look up to us (our relationship & life we share) the way I looked up to Barbara and Ron.

Nice topic. Thanks for making me think about this!

That is so hard when you're supposed to feel happy for someone, but you're also sad because you're losing a rare CF role model. I know what you mean exactly.

This is a great thread, and I agree. It's been happening for me a little bit as I get toward the back end of the decision. i always felt like I didn't want to deal with the backlash from admitting I don't want kids, but I'm finding there is a way to do it that doesn't always offend. If i assure people that I've thought carefully about, and that I didn't "expect" that I would end up this way, but have come to accept my life as it is...it can not only help future CF-ers, but also fencesitters or people struggling with infertility to just realize they can "opt out." I want to be a role model for that option, which it seems like very few people even consider. Thanks for the reminder!

I've had a couple of good role-models. My great-aunt was CF...she was a therapist and lived in NYC her whole life...went on trips all around the world! Right before she got sick and passed away she was in Thailand on a little boat going down some river with friends...she was 80 at the time! I never spoke to her about this topic, but I get the feeling that she had no regrets, and she certainly was not lonely. She was the life of every family party, and she was SO interesting! Truely a unique person.

I was always more drawn to my mom's CF friends growing up (there were onlyabout 2 of them, but hey)...they always seemed so much more interesting...they had interesting jobs and did what they pleased and also always were nicer to me. I think since they weren't burned out with their own kids they were actually interested in seeing someone else's every once in a while.

The only unhappy CF person I know is my uncle...he had two wives (divorced once) and never had a kid, has lived an interesting life in my eyes, but ever since my grandfather passed away he has expressed regret about 'never having given his father a grandchild.' He has three sisters and they all had kids (including my mom) and I think that he felt left out. But the grass is always greener...

I think we are obligated to pursue the life we want and to make sure we don't meet everyone's expectations of 'regretting it' later...this will help other people thinking about making the same decision (or as others have pointed out, it will also help childless/infertile people).

I also have to say that you guys on this site are rolemodels...you are are making the choices that are right for you, and many have successfully found relationships without having to also have the kid that typically is a given for married couples!

I can't think of a particular person that was a CF role model for me....I just remember thinking as a small child that CF women were something quite exotic - interesting, exciting - whether they were friends of my mom's, teachers, or celebrities.

A couple years ago my mom told me about a visit with my uncle and his family. My uncle converted to LDS when he married his wife - they have 7 or 8 kids now. The two oldest girls are married and each had three kids by the time they were in their mid-20s. Then there was a boy (still unmarried) and then two more girls (and then a bunch of others). At the time of the visit, one of the younger girls was a senior in high school and the other a recent graduate. My mom - who was/is quite happy being a mom but staunchly supports my decision to be CF - told me how appalled she was with the way my aunt talked about the girls' futures...basically that it was time for them to get married and start their own families. These girls were 17 and 18 at the time! My mom said the girls were asking all kinds of questions about me (I live 3000 miles away and don't really know them that well) and she thought it was too bad that they didn't live closer to me so that I could be a positive role model for them; show them that there are so many more alternatives in life than to hurry up and start pushing out babies.

One of the girls did get married at age 19 - although she's in nursing school and hasn't gotten pregnant yet - the other is in college and still single. Maybe there's hope!

My aunt and Uncle never had kids. I always wanted to be an aunt! she was a school teacher and I think she has raised more kids in this town then any one else and she never had anyone call her mommie! I always thought she made a greater impact in the lives of her students and any child she ever met because she didnt have any of her own. She is so full of love and compassion and NOTHING stands in her way when it comes to helping anyone! her home was my home away from home when things got rough at my moms and she was always there to lession. I still want to be her!

I am definitely PRO-CF!! However, I am happy for people who truly want children. I love going to baby showers and picking out the cutest little presents.

I enjoy limited time with children, to read to them and otherwise entertain them.

BUT - 24/7/365 would have been too much for me and I knew it before I was out of high school. I mowed lawns - didn't babysit!

There are many arguments out there for CF when I see people who definitely should never have been parents!