BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Distressing Bingos I Recently Received

BIL's girlfriend bingoed me like crazy over the weekend.

Bingo #1: On Saturday evening, she asks me "So, are you two ready for one of those yet?" referring to her 6 month old son. I politely said "No" and excused myself from the conversation.

Bingo #2: On Sunday evening, she says to BIL "Why don't you see if D wants to hold the baby. She hasn't seen him for a while. EVERYONE loves a baby except for DH. What are you going to do when you have kids of your own?" Before DH could reply, I quickly said "Well, IF we had kids, all of the work would be passed off to me, so I don't think that is going to happen." Then, she asks "How old are you guys?" DH says "I'm 26"; I say "25". She then proceeds to tell us "You two still have plenty of time." We say "No, we like our lives just fine the way they are." She then says "Just face it, you don't want the 24/7 that comes along with being a parent."

Ok, how am I supposed to feel about this? I know it shouldn't upset me, but it does. I 25 years old, I am a college graduate, I am happily married, I have a good job/career, I have a good, comfortable life. She is 33, has 3 children by 2 different men (plus BIL's daughter from a previous realtionship), dropped out of college because she got pregnant last year, can barely make ends meet.

Just because she is unhappy with her life situation DOES NOT mean that I am going to have kids and sink to her level so I am as unhappy as she is. What can I do to make her understand this?

When she said "Just face it, you don't want the 24/7 that comes along with being a parent." you should have said "Honey - you hot the nail on the head!"

I know some parents who don't want to deal with the 24/7 that comes along with being a parent so if you are someone who does not want to be a parent, I think that not wanting that responsibility is pretty obvious.

She sounds like she is living a bit of a nightmare from your post above. Just sit back and be glad that you are not in her club. 3 kids, 2 different guys plus another kid from BILs previous relationship, dropped out of college due to pregnancy and having trouble making ends meat....yikes!
Oooo yeah, sounds like fun. Where do I sign up for that club?!

No wonder she's giving you a hard time! You don't need to make her understand - IMO she already knows...
I always have a close look at the speaker - I have found happy parents don't feel the need to criticize and judge over this issue...If they're happy, why would they care what you do?
I can understand an enthusiastic parent BUT, to be rude, dismissive and focused on this topic says a lot about the speaker and nothing about you...
Get down on your hands and knees and thank your lucky stars you don't have her life!
Next time she starts - start talking about your fabulous life...and cut her off/change the topic if/when the bingos start...

It is true that happy parents do not say things - they mind their own business and support your decision.
It is the unhappy people that make comments.

^ Yep!

Sorry to hear this happened to you. It sure makes it hard to enjoy yourself at a gathering when people keep trying to force babies on you!

Deborah, I think you are right. I think she knows that we will not be having children and she hates the fact that DH and I will not be joining the "club" and be as miserable as she is.

Also, I do thank my lucky stars that my life is not miserable and unhappy like hers! Life is to short to be miserable.

Thanks for all the encouragement. It just really got me down yesterday because she was attacking my character, and DH's as well, just because we will not be having children. Just because we don't/won't have kids, doesn't make us inferior human beings. Nevermind the fact that if it wasn't for us, her new son would not have a bed to sleep in, she would not have a working vehicle (DH fixes their van when something goes wrong with it), etc. We have done so much for her and BIL; BIL is grateful, but she never is.

If she would stop and think for a minute, she would realize that DH and I would not be able to do all the things we do for them, and others, if we had children.

PS- Thanks for listening. I feel so much better now that I have gotten this off my chest!

Maybe next time she starts with the bingos you should say "Well, I was thinking about that. Too bad that if we had a baby, hubby wouldn't have time to fix your van anymore, and of course we couldn't buy anything for your kids since we'd have to spend all our money on our kids..." That might get her to shut up about it.

There's not much you can do to make her, or anyone else, understand. What's worked for me to get people to stop the bingos is to look them straight in the eye, and tell them you are so very happy with your life right now and can't picture doing anything - especially as radically drastic and life-changing as having kids - to change it. The more you go on and on about what you did last week, last month, and what you're planning on doing this summer, the more sorry they become for bringing up the subject and tend to not go there again for fear of looking and feeling kinda foolish.

Thanks for all the support and great suggestions. If she starts in on me next time I see her, I will be much more prepared.

I just sort of figured that she would lessen up with the bingoing after a while, but it seems to have gotten worse. She is just too thick-headed to understand.

I would be feeling annoyed too chattycat.

At least she doesn't have an enviable situation, so it's easier to assume it's a case of misery loves company more than that she really thinks you should be taking "advice" from someone who is on some sort of weird downward spiral of failure. She'd love to drag you down with her. Frustrating. It sucks she doesn't appreciate you guys more.