BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do you WANT children?

I'm getting through the posts, give me a sec ... Wait, am I that big of a blabbermouth?? :-)

That's a good point about the "something is missing" thing. I had never felt that way until last year when we started seriously grappling with the decision whether to try and have kids. Thinking about it, and feeling like there's no more time left to decide, gave me a taste of that feeling. Suddenly I start thinking more about what each day contained, and was there really something missing for ME. Was there a point to my existence? What would my purpose be if I was not to have children. It was scary, and feels overwhelming because of how much it opens me up to the world. It's about that time when I found this forum, and I am almost all the way decided to be a "person without children."

That is the turning point which I think parents never actually get, so they have no idea what it feels like either, similar to how we never know what it's like to actually have a child. That feeling has been revolutionary to me, because it seems all the more clear that my purpose here is limitless, and is up to me to decide what to make it. If I put out good energy in the world, and care and love those around me, my existence has a point.

By not focusing on a huge life change like having children, instead I can put energy into anything I choose. That has been very freeing and I'm still have moments of amazement about it. I get to just be ME!!

> I realized that when we were gone, all we had worked for, all we had learned, would just turn to nothingness.

Growing up, I was taught to try to make my corner of the world a nicer place. I think that transcends having children or not. After all, if your children die without having children -- at whatever age -- the genetic output would be the same. But if you make the world better, in whatever way, there will be ripples that relate back to your having been here.

>As they have grown, I have grown with them.

That's the part that was so unexpected to me. I knew I would enjoy being a mother -- and I AM the sort that just loves to snuggle a baby -- but I never realized how much I would learn and grow through having my son. (And homeschooling merely enhanced that aspect!) I never had even considered how it would stretch me (mentally, that is -- we won't discuss the pregnancy!) and push me to push myself in areas that I was reluctant to do. (I still don't like making phone calls, but boy, have I made a lot of them for my son's benefit, and gotten much more comfortable at doing so.)

>I realize that my children will probably never love me as much as I love them.

I dunno -- love is slippery, and I know the love for my son is different than the love for my mother. But I do love my mother very much. Maybe a different type of love, but very strong nonetheless.

>you and a few other's have brought up the "something is missing" feeling. I've never felt that, and I know quite a few of the other people haven't either. I wonder if it is related to that feeling that makes people yearn for religion, or at least the feeling of belonging that goes along with it? (which I've also never longed for)

I don't know that it is related to religion. Religion has played no real part in my life (or rather, no more than is unavoidable living in America!), I find the whole concept of "taking it on faith" mystifying, but I do feel my life would have had a void had I not had a child. That you don't feel that, means, to me, that you have different needs and ways in which to fulfill them.

I guess it is like anything -- it all depends on what you like. I have a friend who loves gardening, while I enjoy making jewelry. She has said she would HATE making jewelry, but finds pulling weeds relaxing. I find pulling weeds tedious (and allergy-annoying!), but love coming up with new and different designs. The world needs all our variations.

I have to admit, I chuckled when I read this -- it sounds SO like a kid! There are a lot of "filters" that we adults use when we talk, that kids just either haven't learned or don't understand a use for. (And sometimes, I think the kids are right!)

This cracked me up. As a kid, I actually had MORE tact than I have now. As I've grown, I've gotten to caring so little about what other people think that I'm now a bit dangerous to have around people you want to impress. I speak my mind. If a kid has crossed eyes, I'll probably mention it.

I related the following story elsewhere a few weeks ago, so I'll give a short version here: A coworker called me over to her to look at "a gorgeous baby with such pretty, long lashes!" I could heard the cooing and blathering as I approached. Without a glance at the mother, I peered at the infant, acknowledged calmly that yes, he did have long eyelashes, and walked away. Both coworker and new mother were less than thrilled with my response.

A few years ago, I would have mimicked my coworker's response, feigning enthusiasm and complimenting the child, possibly even speaking to the mother. These days, I just don't care enough to fake it. So the question becomes, am I regressing?

Back on topic: A longtime friend of mine is eagerly awaiting the day her and her boyfriend's financial status is stable enough to start having kids.

Her main reasons for pursuing parenthood: She loves kids and wants to be a better parent than her [censored] parents were for her.

The reasons I think she should avoid parenthood: She has a myriad of minor health problems, including those that will require her to undergo fertility treatments to even have a chance of conceiving. In part because of her health, she is a very low-energy, unmotivated person (a woman who is willfully unemployed and a lazy housekeeper in an apartment without kids is not a good piece of foreshadowing, you know?). Both she and her boyfriend grew up in dysfunctional families with at least one parent out of the picture at any given time, and no good aunts and uncles to provide examples. Do they have any idea what they'll be getting into or what they are supposed to do with kids?

(note: I've been friends with both of these people for over a decade. I've been very close to her, and I even -briefly- dated him, so I know the background info pretty well. Trust me, their family backgrounds in no way prepared them for parenthood. They've got a 3 year old dog that isn't housebroken!)

Okay, my two cents.

First, to address what people have said to me. Because yes, I HAVE asked this question to a few people. I mostly get shrugs and "why not?" replies. My husband says that that's how he always saw his life. He cannot give me a better answer. He says he HAS no other answer.

Okay, now a few more replies.

I know that no one meant to insinuate there is something wrong with us when they ask what our childhood was like, but I must admit I bristled. Why do we react like that? Because that is something that I think we all hear very often. With sympathy. Like our parents were monsters or something. Like there must be a huge underlying reason. And sure, for some people there may be. But I don't think that's the case with most of us here on this forum.

I had a normal, happy upbringing, even though my parents were divorced. Which I don't think has anything to do with being CF. I was very happy (except in school, which is a different story.) But I look back on my home life with nothing but fondness, except for the odd moment here and there, but who doesn't have those?

I started babysitting when I was about 11. I saw two children go from not existing to being in high school. Probably those experiences have a lot to do with being CF. I kind of feel like I've already raised several kids. I've always worked with kids. I LOVE kids. I currently teach gymnastics to kids ages 19 months to 12 years. I have two nephews (and a new niece) whom I absolutely adore.

I would probably say that one of the biggest conscious reasons I don't want kids is school. I had horrible experiences from fifth grade to high school graduation. I was an outcast, made that way by a jealous classmate who spread vicious rumors about me. There is NO WAY I would EVER want to put my child through that. Ever. I couldn't handle it, plain and simple.

I don't understand the "something is missing, let's have a kid" mentality. I wonder why they feel that. Are those people just sitting on the couch watching TV all day? Do they not know how to develop hobbies, so by having a kid you'll be forced to take an interest in something? I don't know. I feel like I'm constantly busy now as it is. And as someone pointed out, how do you know a kid will fill whatever is missing? I mean, if you are dissatisfied with your life, it seems like having a kid would add to that feeling in one way or another.

I think that's about all I have to say about that.

My husband and I have been married 8.5 years with no kids. We have been discussing having a child. If we do decide to go that route, there are a few reasons we would choose to do so.

1) I think both of us like that idea of bringing a person into the world that we can teach all of things we think makes a good person. Obviously we wouldn't get complete say in how the kid would turn out, but we feel that the chances are pretty good that we would be good parents and turn out a good kid.

2) I feel that adding a child would compliment our family. We haven't even fully decided if we are going to have a kid, but if we did it would be to compliment our lives, not to consume it. Our family is complete now, and it would be complete, but different, with a child in it.

3) I like the idea of having someone to pass our traditions on to. My husband isn't real big on tradition, so I sometimes feel like some of the things I grew up with are being lost. I think it would be nice to pass along some of the things that made my childhood memorable.

I guess those are the first things that come to mind anyway...

Okay, not to sound mean or anything, but I guess that to me, in this point in human history, there is no good reason to have a kid.

The world is overpopulated, gas prices keep rising because people's KIDS are growing up and getting licenses and there are more and more cars on the road.

We are running out of resources. The reasons here are good reasons, but to me, they're not good enough anymore. Although, I guess the smart people should procreate because it seems like these days it's only the white trash and illegal immigrants who are having kids, and that can lead to no good, since I'm paying for them all with my tax money.

But seriously, this world can only support so many people. That's why disease is rampant, it's population control. Except the more disease we beat, the more people the planet has to sustain. And since most people who have kids don't give a s*** about the environment, our resources are disappearing at an alarming rate.

"I can't worry about conserving water. I have to get Jimmy to soccer." "I have to buy new clothes all the time because Sarah needs to be in style."

Sorry. This is why I need to stay away. It makes me angry sometimes. It's all so damn selfish.

Or "I need to drive to Target to buy a plastic toy made in China and flown over here on an airplane to bribe my kid to leave me alone for the night."

I get really angry too about this. I don't have children and I recycle, reduce my car trips, plant trees, make compost, buy organic, and do countless other things to help counteract all the damage done by people who HAVE kids who SHOULD care about the world's future. They have every excuse in the book why their kids "need" this and "need" that, or how they're too busy and important to have to think about their impact on the environment. They didn't have everything they wanted when they were a kid, so now they want THEIR child to have EVERYTHING. Then J.Lo and the crowd show off their million dollar nurseries and brag about how THEIR children will have EVERYTHING they want.

Are they completely immune to the fact that they're creating spoiled little monsters AND wasting the world's resources at the same time? What a bunch of idiots. UG!!

I have several coworkers who "don't have time" to recycle. They're too busy with their kids.

It makes me feel like, why should I bother then? I'm not having kids, so it's not like I have to make a better future for MY children. Why should I care about the planet after I'm gone? Why am I doing everything I can in my daily life to reduce/reuse/recycle/conserve/preserve/etc. for offspring of people who don't care?

My sister will run water for several minutes at a time while she washes her son's face after a meal. If she does it in my presence, I turn the water off. The first time I did it she looked at me all confused. I said, "have you any idea how much water you're wasting?" She said she'd never thought about it.

When I do it now, she just laughs and says, "oh right, I never remember to turn off the water."

This is why people need a college education, not to learn something out of a book, but to learn how to THINK. I love my sister, but she is one of the most ignorant people I know. She will drive her car a half block to mail a letter because she's too lazy to put the kids in the stroller.

And she will just throw plastic in the garbage can because she's "too busy" to put it in the recycling. (Of course, my husband does the same thing, which aggravates me to no end. If a recycling bin isn't in the same room as him, he's too lazy to walk to the kitchen to put his toilet paper roll or contact solution in the recycling. I'm always going through his garbage, AND he's into conservation.)

If she wasn't a good mom, I would say that my sister probably should never have had kids. I'm going to do all I can to instill conservation into my nephews' lives.

lngilbert, I always think this too! We do all the recycling, drive a prius, xeriscaping, energy efficient stuff in the house, and on and on, and sometimes I feel like I'm not even able to zero out one of these other total energy/environment wasters! I cringe every time we go to my friends, parents or siblings houses where they don't do anything remotely helpful--not even CFL lightbulbs...makes me so sad but at the same time I also think well, when I'm dead it won't be my problem anymore because I'm not leaving any kids behind to suffer this mess.