BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids I am furious!!

Last night, I was told by my husband to 'butt out' when it comes to the way he raises his kids, and what happens when they visit. He is NOT raising them. No one is. The egg donor is never home, and it's just 'playtime' when they are at our house. No teaching, no raising, no nothing. They would be better off with a pack of wolves, out in the woods.

He needs to know, if he expects you to interact with them at all, you will be correcting them. Not correcting bad behavior is not doing them any favors! Children need rules and boundries. They are much happier when they have them.

Oh, and hugs to you. ((((((((((DLEE)))))))))))))

Eeek -- what you just described was one of the two major contributing factors to my divorce. My ex-DH let me discipline his daughter, of whom we had full custody, all the way up until it got boobs and a period (and horns), and then for some reason, he thought a tiara was all part of the puberty package and wouldn't let me discipline his little princess in the ways I saw fit. Screw that - I left. There were other reasons, but that was definitely one of them.

Yes, he NEEDS to know that, but he doesn't. He doesn't seem to know much of anything when it comes to raising kids, and yet he thinks he's a great father. So great, that he lets them do just about anything they want, for fear of being disliked. I keep trying to tell him that be 'liked' is not the measure of a good parent. This idiot recently told me that before we got together 2 years ago, he allowed them to watch R rated movies. They were 9 and 11 at the time. He didn't care what the rating system meant. He also took them to rock concerts. I cannot get him to understand that if he continues to allow them to drive me crazy, NONE of them will be there.

...Wow, how can you stand to stay with him? He better be FABULOUS in the sack for you to stand that for any amount of time! The kicker is, depending on the age of those kids, it really wouldn't work for you to be the disciplinarian anyway. You'd just be viewed as the "evil stepmother" and they'd jack up the lying/bad behavior, KNOWING that daddy wouldn't do anything about it. Your situation really is a recipe for disaster, for everyone involved.

Here's how the disciplinarian thing would go, and this wasn't really even discipline.....A couple weeks ago when they visited, we were all supposed to go somewhere on Sunday afternoon, but I got sick. My husband told them we had to cancel, and go next time. The youngest, 11, happened to leave his email account open on my computer, and that night after my husband took them home, the kid wrote some pretty nasty emails about me to my husband and the egg donor. I was able to read these, since he did not log out. The one to the egg donor talked about how much he hated me, because we were supposed to go somewhere, but I was ALWAYS getting sick. The one to my husband said that he refused to come back here until he got rid of ME!! Sounds like a plan....

I agree with Cherry Red -- kids are happier with appropriate boundaries. It is just too scary for them to feel that THEY have to be in control of themselves, since they aren't really ready for that. (That's why they are still kids!) They will grumble at the change (provided you are able to effect it), but in the long run, they will be much happier people.

I saw a nephew who was not given clear boundaries when he was young, and not only did no one in the family want to be around him, he never seemed all that happy to me.

I agree. What a terrible situation for you to be stuck in, DLEE. I find it completely unreasonable for your husband to expect you to share your home with his children and not be allowed to discipline them in any way, directly or indirectly. As long as they are in your home, you have the right to have a say in how they behave, although discipline from the step-parent is always a tricky issue... However, allowing children to run wild does no-one any favours, least of all the children. Your husband needs to grasp the fact that his role is to be a parent, not his children's over-indulgent friend.

I hope you manage to find a solution. You do not deserve being treated like this, and you need to put your foot down. Good luck.

I would suggest that you explain to your husband, then, that since you are not allowed to make rules in your own house, whenever the brats come over, you will spend that weekend with your friends and he's on his own.

Why be around if they don't want you?

I think it's time for some kind of ultimatum. I'm not talking about a "them or me" situation, but more like a "my way or the highway" situation, where you take the highway!

Good luck.

This may sound callous, but I think it's time to flip him the bird and pack your bags. If I were you, I would line up a divorce attorney, tell that man "Your kids own you, but they will not own me" and go.

Don't stick around long enough to get stuck with his kids' therapy bills.