BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Why do you WANT children?

Hi Ms A,


I hear this answer a lot and it makes sense to me. It's just how you're wired. I always loved animals. A cute little puppy or kitty or baby penguin (or whatever) can bring tears to my eyes. Human babies? Not so much.


I enjoy seeing things through my niece's eyes too, so I get that.


He wouldn't adopt? I hear this a lot. How very sad.


I appreciate this. If every child was a wanted child, imagine what a wonderful world we'd live in.


That's cool. Sounds like my cousin and her son, my mother and me. Basically, he sounds like an only child. Being an only, I've noticed that many other onlys have close relationships with their parent/s.


That's probably the thing that confuses people most when they find out I'm CF. My mother and I have a wonderful relationship, quite like the one you share with your son. She was the best mother, worked so hard to raise me after the divorce (I was 4) and I always, always knew I was loved and cherished. We're only 20 years apart and she is my dearest friend. She lives close and we see each other very often. If I decided to be a parent, I'd only hope I could be half the mother she was to me.

Thanks for joining the conversation. This has been really interesting and positive.

Take care,
Kim

I never got the impression that I wasn't wanted by either of my parents, but like some other people here, I ALWAYS knew that I didn't like kids. I'd play with other kids sometimes, but I never made friends easily, and I usually befriended older kids. I HATED my younger sister, she was always screaming and stinking, and when she got older would just NOT leave me alone. Plus I was smart enough to see how people treated her vs. me. I didn't really want attention from adults, but I couldn't stand that if I did something wrong, and she did something wrong, she'd get off far more lightly. (probably because she was younger, but it still drove me crazy)
I was the kid who was a bit too honest when seeing babies...I remember pointing out "Your baby's eyes are crossed!" (hey I WAS worried something might be wrong, I DO have empathy, too much so in fact) fortunately they didn't take that the wrong way.
Really, I think the thing for me is, I just don't like most people. Children seem to take the aspects of most of humanity and boil it down to a concentrate. Utter selfishness, meanness, lack of empathy, willingness to harm others no matter the cost as long as they get what they want. Sure, some of them aren't that way, and some even manage to grow out of it, but with adults I have the choice of never speaking to them again if I don't like them, but if I had a kid I wouldn't be able to do that so easily.
Plus the idea of being pregnant utterly repulses me, on a deep level. Even had horrible nightmares when a friend of mine got pregnant. (and funny enough, I was reading the Alien books at that time, so you can imagine how THOSE nightmares went...Infected with an alien baby and after it bursts out of me, I have to take CARE of it! )

YES.

I couldn't agree more!

Thank you Pikasam! I hope so too.

Well, First off, truthfully, my motive was selfish. I wanted someone who would love ME. Because of rejection in my childhood. However, when I had children I realised it was not as simple as that! I took a long time to get over my own childhood. I still have many things to work on. BUT five children later, I can honestly say, That having my children was the best thing I have done, and that I love being a mother. It has not been easy at times but it has been so worth it. I would never change it. My children are my joy.

I totally appreciate your entire post Ms A, and it sounds like you are a great mom! I just wanted to point out that your thought above bothered me a little--it sounds like you are trying to generalize or find a link between having a bad childhood (or feeling unwanted) to being CF. I don't think that is a fair assumption. I had a very normal childhood with loving parents and never felt they didn't want me--and this sentiment has also already been expressed by other posters.

I really don't intend to start any drama, I just wanted to say that I think it's an unfair and perhaps dangerous thing to start assuming that we are CF because of our own childhoods--sort of like saying we have "unresolved issues" and that otherwise we'd have kids. Yes, I am sure that there are some extreme cases where people had terrible childhoods and therefore don't want to have kids because they're afraid the same thing will happen. BUT, overall I think the majority of us have tons of other well thought out (and mentally well adjusted!) reasons to be CF.

Anyway, thanks for posting--I'm glad we can all have a heartfelt, constructive conversation about this very interesting topic!

What was my upbringing like?

Both of my parents really wanted children, and were very loving and affection with me, set firm boundaries, paid lots of attention to us, and were really good parents.

Around the age of 8 I began questioning having kids though, because kids freaked me out. I was well socialized and didn't have problems making friends, yet raising children still didn't seem like a job I was very keen to take on.

When I was in 2nd grade my parents divorced. They lived within walking distance and had an amicable relationship and never even fought in front of us. But still, even with a pretty ideal situation for a divorce, growing up with a divorced mother and shuttling between 2 houses for so many years, made me see with my own eyes how even in the best of situations, childrearing is no cake walk. I verified this when I was older and babysat and worked in day cares.

I do love babies, but just don't want one of my own. Toddlers drive me insane. Older kids are a mixed bag for me.

I read a lot of blogs, even mommy blogs and parenting columns (I am still interested in the subject of parenting, even though I'm not one). Mom's often seem shocked and severely pushed to the edge by the trials and tribulations of childrearing, and you're always hearing how "It's the hardest job in the world," and "I never imagined it would be this hard."

I know "It's all worth it" and all that, but still, I don't understand why they're so surprised by how hard it is...didn't they know? Didn't they babysit and check it out beforehand? Didn't they listen to people say how hard it is, or did they just not believe it? So many people just do it because everyone else does, and seem to "expect" it to be this blissful experience of unconditional love because they see happy celebrities parading around their little trophies. Didn't they see other teens when they were a kid, screaming "I hate you" to their parents, being disrespectful, getting into serious trouble?

People in their early 20's have no understanding for the most part of their own mortality, and think they can do anything. I've had some adversity in my life, and have never felt impervious to the pitfalls of life.

Maybe they had a perfect childhood, but I think it's naive to think it will always be that way.

THIS is what I was feeling but didn't know quite how to relate with offending.

Thanks KinderFrei.

Me too. I didn't quite get that out in my much longer response, but that was what I was feeling. There is nothing mutant about me, and my parents did nothing wrong that would have caused me to be a cold, selfish person that so many assume childfree/less people are. I find it a bit offensive that you imply that. I feel like I just thought a lot harder about it than most people who DO have kids.

Well said!

Hey, where is Lynette

It's interesting that this comes up, though. Kinderfrei has a good point - that people often seem to look for some causal factor that made us turn out so different :-)

If my mother had had the choice, she would never had had kids. That's fair enough, and I think I understood it on a subconscious level, but she was a kind, level headed and firm parent and the perfect foil to an indulgent Kodak-moment father. My father was my hero growing up, but the day I moved out of home my mother and I became the best of friends. I always remember her slightly tipsy at my 21st, three weeks after I got married, standing up and addressing the crowd - "well, you're 21 now, you're not pregnant, you're not a drug addict and you're not dead. My work here is done..."

I have wonderful memories of growing up in New Zealand in the 70's. I was a good and sensible kid and I thoroughly enjoyed being one. If I had kids, I think my biggest regret would be that they would never enjoy the freedoms that I had when I was young and the world was a different and much nicer place.

When I think about my CF friends, they seem to be well adjusted and happy people, and they're all in good marriages. But they're just missing the mommy gene, I guess...