BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids Do You Speak Your Mind to Friends Who Are Parents?

I think we've all been in situations with parents where we've had to exercise great control in holding our tongues with regard to their children.

I'm curious -- how close do you come to letting loose and letting a friend or acquaintence know how you feel about their (or anyone else's) kids?

Have you ever actually lost restraint and let it flow?

I'll usually let loose in talking about people's kids in a general sense (i.e, "I hate it when parents/kids do ______," but I've been in two situations recently where it was more personal, as in, regarding their own kids. *sigh*

1. I've written about this before, so I'll make the recap brief: I spent three days marketing with a client, and at the end of the three days, I asked if I could meet her family/kids. She thought that was a great idea, and suggested that she bring her three kids (12, 6 and 4) to my hotel pool and we order pizzas. "Um, no," is something similar to what I said at first. I continued with, "That's just not my idea of a relaxing evening after work -- kids, pool, pizza...no. But I'd love to either meet you all out for dinner or visit the house." She hasn't spoken to me since, which is BAD for business. Yikes.

2. My friend's 6-year-old was having a tantrum in the background of our phone call because she couldn't join her 9-year-old sister at a sleepover. I told her to call back (and promptly poured a glass of wine). When the kid calmed down and my friend called back, she said she was on her way to Target to get the kid "something to occupy her time." Without being able to stop the words from flying out of my mouth, I blurted out, "OH, I get it...you reward tantrums with toys? Don't think I'm the only one who catches on to this, so be prepared to make a Target run every time the kid doesn't get her way." GOD, it just FRUSTRATED me to no end! My friend goes, "Yeah, yeah, I know, I know, but I had to get some peace tonight...she kept me up last night, and this is one way to get her to chill out so I can have some personal time." I backed off and shut my mouth before I said something that really [censored] her off about how [censored] I think some of her child-rearing methods are. At least she doesn't say to me the old line about "You don't know because you don't have kids."

So again, I'm curious...do you walk delicate lines around your friends, or do you let the comments slip/go flying as they may?

my closet mom friends I do tend to tell all but in a nice constructive way. the respect my pov. with my best friend's kids obey me better then there own mom. I am like a go between because I can see both sides and help them to see the others pov. I like that. It is with people that i dont know very well that i have to bit my tongue alot!

I need to remember and strive for this kind of attitude. Like...I need divine help with this, seriously.

lmao! my friend makes it easy for me. She will ask me what I think. and she understand that I am the go between for her and her daughters. I am 12yrs older then her oldest daughter and I am 10yr younger then she is so.. I am the perfect age to see both sides. my friend tends to be over protective and she keeps her kids inline. they are not the ones that are the perfect angles or the MY kid can do no wrong.... So she makes it very easy for me to be helpful and not critical.

Now if her kids were Snotlee and Bratly and she thought they were all that and a bag of cookies.... I think we would have big issues!

I made a BIG mistake today.
Mentioned to a friend that last time we went to dinner with her, husband and young son, I was embarrassed by her son's behavior and their thinking it was funny.

Wish I could take it back. She thinks I am criticizing her, attacking her, etc.

I feel awful.

I have been there! it is hard to know when to say what! Like the other day I went out to eat with some mommy friends that was my first mistake because I KNEW BETTER!!! so we were in the middle of eating spegetti and they start talking about periods and having kids and down the road it goes right into the baby poop and vomit Drive way where they seemed to park! I am not shy about the fact that I dont want kids and I dont care to hear about labor and baby body functions....but here we went anyways. now it would not have bothered me much if they had not known how I felt about this topic or if they were asking me from a concerned mother pov but this was just oh isnt that just sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Cute! (hang me please!) So I said something to the effect of I knew there was a reason I didnt want kids I cant imagine anything more aweful then to think baby poop and hemroiods are the highlight of my life!

Needless to say they are mad but at lest I wont get invited to another Mommy fest lunch!!!!

Sounds like no great loss there!

Cindy

What the.....that's amazing. Just amazing. Does your friend not know she is breaking Rule 1 of how to raise good, contributing citizens, "Thou Shalt Not Reward Tantrums"???? Oh, that kid has her trained. Here's the kid's train of thought: "I throw tantrum long enough, Mom gets me a new toy to shut me up. Greatness!" I wonder if the child will acquire her first car through this strategy? I know if I had behaved this way at age 6, I would have LOST toys, not gained new ones! Maybe an evening in a room with nothing to play with would occupy the child's time...especially if Mom wore earplugs so she could outlast the screaming.

Oh, and to answer the original question...I'm not that outspoken, so I'm more likely to avoid friends like that, and eventually the friendship fades away, but if there are spoiled kids in the mix, in my opinion, it's better that way, because I don't want to be around those kids!

Cindy

I'm with Cindy. The one friend I have who had badly behaved kids, I just quietly stopped visiting. I doubt she even noticed, but it improved my life immensely :-)

I'm just always really aware that the comeback is going to be "what the hell would you know, you don't have kids". Which is true, I have no answer to that. To say that if I did, I wouldn't let them get away with (whatever it was) just comes across as condescending and holier-than-thou - and we all know how sensitive parents are to perceived criticism. Easier to let it lie - if they want to make a rod for their backs, well, that's their prerogative.

I have taken on parents in public before though, when their kdis are being holy terrors. To hell with that - they need to get the message that their children are pi$$ing people off, or they'll keep letting them do it. I just wish more people would speak up, rather than just grinning and bearing it - we're ALL part of the reason why kids are so badly behaved these days.

Why feel awful? As in the above post - they NEED to know. If you were embarrassed, then you can bet other people were annoyed. It's not funny, it's rude and disruptive, and them encouraging the kid to keep doing it is not going to make his behaviour better as he gets older.

So the next time someone shoots her an evil look when her kid's playing up, she might remember your conversation and do something about it. If that's the case, then good on you, I say.