BellaOnline Forums Relationships Relationships Too mellow for a relationship?

The girl I'm with right now complains that I dont show enough "fire and passion" in our reltionship. She says that when we have disagreements it seems that I'm "aloof" because I NEVER yell back, show emotion or get heated.

She's a screamer and I'm not. I rather just talk it out without raising my voice or getting angry. Is it possible that I'm too mellow for relationships? I've had other girlfriends say similar things and leave me because I'm not a fiery type of guy.

I'd appreciate your thought. Thanks in advance.

I wouldn;t say that you are too mellow for a relationship - but it does sound like you are searching out the exact opposite from you in temperment when you choose a girlriend.



Is there a reason you keep going for the "fiery" screamers?

Another question I would ask; is there a reason behind you never yelling? Did your parents go through a bad divorce with lots of yelling, so that's why you don't sort of thing? If so, you might explain this to your GF.

You may just need to look for a quieter, more mature type of girl.

We hear all the time about women going for the bad boys - maybe you're doing the guy version of this.

Thanks Michelle,

Heres the thing though, if I knew these girls liked to argue I wouldnt have pursued them. I dont search out these types of girls, they just seem to find me.

And yes, the main reason I'm like this now is because my mother was a serious screamer. I mean, it seemed that she communicated by screaming and I vowed never to become the same. So, my temperament is the complete opposite of my mothers. While she is hot and erratic, I'm cool and casual.

I spoke to my girl about this last night and she just said she gets angry because it seems like I dont care. I told her I do care, but I express it more subtly than she would like.

If it makes you feel any better, I am kind of the same way. I would rather walk away from a screaming person. If I yell, it has taken a lot to get me to that point. Sounds like your girl is looking for some emotion from you. There is a big difference between yelling and acting like you don't care.

As a certified life coach, I will offer you my feelings:

Sounds like your girlfriend is not ready for a mature relationship. If a person believes that yelling and expressing their feelings are synonymous they are not in a state of understanding what mature expression is about. "Drama" and "emotion" are not the same thing!

The fact that your mother is a yeller explains why you are perpetuating the relationship dysfunction that you have learned. You probably developed the role of the opposite when you were a little child as you tried to balance things out with your mom, and now in your own relationships with women.

You are not too mellow for a relationship, but my suggestion is that you remove yourself from this one and do some serious soul searching. Therapy is the perfect place to do this.

Many women have grown away from the need for drama in their relationships and in their lives. Get yourself to a place where you become attracted to girls who don't like yelling. There are plenty of us out there!

Shay

Good stuff Shay,

But like I said before I dont actively search out these girls, they just land in my lap. I live on a college campus so there are others. Most of them are 18-22, so yeah, they arent relationship savvy yet and they do get caught up in "drama and emotion", like you said. I'm only 22 myself. I think I'm gonna have to drop this girl and be single for awhile again, I'll let you guys know.

I dont think I need any therapy though; they are the ones with the problem not me.

Maybe you are initially attracting these girls because of your calm demeanor. The "fiery" types probably see you as the strong/silent/mysterious guy. Because they are so emotional, you are a big magnet.

I guess all you can do is end this one, and take things a lot more slowly from now on.

It sounds like you need a strong intellectual type - and it takes time to build relationships with those. They aren't nearly as ready to jump into things. The downside of not being "fiery".

Good luck!

Thedopespot,
I have to chime in because I broke up with a guy I went out with in college for that same reason!

It wasn't so much that he didn't yell, because I don't do that either. And I'm not even that extremely fiery or loud. I'm actually a Libra and avoid confrontation.

The problem as I saw it was he just had so little emotional depth that he could never relate to the feelings I had. It was like talking to a pile of rocks. It got very bland after awhile. I got the feeling he didn't really ever experience extreme emotional highs or lows, but was just always coasting along, middle of the road emotionally. Maybe he developed that to protect himself from a bad childhood or whatever, but it was frustrating.

I think if your personality feels good to you, then maybe just keep looking for a woman who likes you as is. If it's becoming a reoccurring problem that is causing problems with women you really care about, and who don't seem to be that unreasonable (I can't tell that from your post) , it may be worth investigating further with a therapist or something.

Good luck!

Hey thedopespot,
I totally hear where you are coming from. When I was 22 and on up into my 40's I always thought, "If there is an abusive man within 50 miles of me, he will find me!" Then, I finally got it. I was actually attracting them to me! Lets do the math:
If only one person does the "finding" then 50% of the population just sits there and gets "found" while the other 50% does the "finding." I wish I could say it actually works that way! See, we all put out "vibes" that attract another person. If our vibes send out signals that proclaim, "I had a screaming mother and that's how I know women to be!" then the screamers will be attracted to you. On the other hand, if the girl's vibes are proclaiming "I'm a screamer, and my father was silent and mysterious to me!" you will in turn be attracted to her vibe. Neither of you, of course, will know what is going on because the other person seems so much "different" than the last one. But, the truth unfolds, and there they are again - same person different body.

So, this is why I suggested therapy. Not because there is something "wrong" with you. But simply to diminish the "vibe" you put out that attracts the yellers, and as well to break your vibe pattern of subconsciously being attracted to them. If only I had known this when I was in my 20's - I wouldn't have to be trying to explain all of this to my 21 year old son, who struggles with having had an abusive father, and what led up to my accepting him as a mate. I had to actually take responsibility for the fact that my abusive background caused me to attract abusers to me.

If therapy is really not a direction that you are ready to take, perhaps the book The Four Agreements would be something that you would read. I did a review on it if you would like to check it out just click on the link to my site below. (I wrote it in particular for those with stomach issues, but it works for all kinds of issues!)

Hope this helps on some level!

Best to you!
Shay

One more thing thedopespot...

Just from the few postings you've written here, you don't seem anything like the guy from my comparison, or emotionally clueless. I didn't mean to imply that. The only reason I used that for comparison is because I sounded like your GFs. You seemed very good at relating to women in writing at least (from what I've read).