BellaOnline Forums Family Daughters A mom in need of some good advice.

My eighteen year old daughter has never had a serious boyfriend which I have always been thankful for. She didn't have any interest in boys for a long time and was always more interested in her school work, but over time, she has developed what in the beginning I saw as a very good friendship with a boy in her senior class but keep this in mind, where we live at, which is on a remote island and full of native americans, the choices are very slim pickings and everyone is interrelated, literally.

I always liked the kid, but lately after having many conversations with my daughter about him, she told him point blank on many different occasions that she was not interested in dating him because if it should turn sour, that it would end up involving all the people in the village because of course, everyone is related. And believe me, family tifts get ugly here.

So she despite telling him how many times, he is still persisting in visiting her almost every night of the week at my home or asking her to go to her other friends house where they watch movies with parental supervision at all times. What bothers me is I think he is going to keep persisting until he wears her down. She is still a virgin and he knows this. I used to like him, but now I don't. Alot of his relatives have long criminal histories and are not good people. I don't want her involved with him, but I know in the back of my mind that she does have certain feelings for him, although she has insisted that they are just friends and that is all they will ever be.

Anybody who has been in a similar experience, please tell me how to handle this. If I forbid her to see him, I know she will just do it behind my back, but this is a girl who is at the top of her class and has a bright future in front of her and he is one who struggles with his grades and has no ambitions except to get into the construction field. She wishes to go to the Coast Guard and become a pilot. I just don't want him getting in the way of her life and I will do whatever I can to make sure that her dreams do not fall away.

I explained to her that I don't want her to make the same mistakes that I did. What do you do. I am just so bothered by this whole thing. He even called me on my cell today and asked for her and I told him that I was at the office which I was. He was heading for the state basketball tournament and will be away for a week which is great. What or how should I handle this ladies?

My daughter insists that I don't trust her which actually isn't true. I do trust her but I think that over time, he will wear her down and I tried to explain that to her but she just doesn't see it. HELP!!!

It sounds like she is a bright girl and has her head screwed on right. (thanks to your parenting over the years!) I know that you are worried that she may get pressured into a big mistake, but she IS 18! You have to learn to relax and trust that she will continue to do the right thing, which is to keep her eyes on her plans for the future.

Admit to her that you worry about her, but that is a mother's duty and curse. You wish you didn't but you can't help it because you love her and want the best for her and will do all you can to help her reach her dreams.
Then give her some space or you may pressure her to back into what you are most afraid of.

Now, take a deep breath. You've done a great job with her!

Bahrain,

Sorry I've been out of town and did not see your post sooner.

I think if you keep your focus on all the great things she is doing and where her life is headed it will constantly remind her of what she wants to do.

I will be honest and say, although not the exact same thing happened to me, it was similar. My first boyfriend relationship when I was about 16 was with someone a bit older than me who really didn't have dreams and aspirations. It didn't take me long to realize that although he was nice and could have been a dear friend, it didn't really fit in my plan (being from a small town, I of course had big plans).

At the point he started considering dropping out of highschool moving south and oh, didn't I want to get married and go with him (not really a proposal, more than a "hey let's do this"), it didn't take me long to say, uh, I'm not in this for the long haul, you are on your own.

The thing I remember most about my mom during this time and all the boyfriends after were that her input was limited to what time I would be home, am I staying true to myself and that I'm not being taken advantage of. I don't ever remember her saying what she thought about someone until after they were gone and she confirmed my decision to move on.

The one and only time she didn't reserve comment was when an ex-boyfriend whom I stayed friends with would visit. I remember her telling me that he still loved me, hah, I'd say, fine way to show me that when he broke up with me when leaving for college. Hah my mom probably says, as he is my husband now for almost 20 years. (I guess as a side-note there the point would be if she really wanted both she could have both later on.)

Bahrain, she is listening to you. Talk to her about what is really important, her and her future. Take the boyfriend out of the talk and she will have nothing to think about but what is important to her when you are around. You may not realize it but when you are not around, she will remember what is still important. People remember and focus on the positive.

I pray for the best in your daughter's life.

Just thought I would add some new news to this one. Well, after several thoughts and several conversations with my daughter over this whole scenario. I thought I had it dealt with. He had stopped coming by the house totally and he never called our home, so that was no problem. I knew she would still see him in school but interestingly enough, today, I just had this strange feeling and decided as a mother to follow up on instinct. I found out that she has been e-mailing back and forth with him for the past month.

I have finally just given up. She told me that they are just friends but the e-mail from him suggests his desire for more. I told her tonight that I was not upset that she is talking with him. I have gotten to a point that she is eighteen now and if she wants to make a huge mistake, she's going to make it on her own. I don't condone it, but I told her in plain words tonight that if she is so set on this kid, then just move in with him if that's what she wants because I'm tired of dealing with it.

Am I wrong in just giving up on this whole thing or what?
I don't know. I just don't need the stress. I have enough. What do you ladies think?

Did she say she wanted to move in? Or is there something going on besides emails back and forth that you would tell her she could move in with him?

I don't know that I'd ever give up on my child. Yes, I'd let them experience life and be there for them, without the I told you so's. You know, always hoping the best.

I wouldn't push her into his arms if she is still saying they're friends.

Yes, she is 18, in charge of her life and should be trusted. She is going to make mistakes in life and she will learn from them. But if she is living at home, happy at home and working on school, then I would support her in that.

She has chosen a path that is good for her, and she is on it. Do your best to make sure the path stays open and clear for her. If you try to control which path she takes, undoubtedly she will try to take another one just to ensure it is one of her own choosing.

Yes, Lisa, I am well aware of that thing called reverse psychology. I don't know. She has denied so many things so it's hard for me to believe her when she says that they are only friends. I know that she hasn't done anything physical with him at all, that's a relief.
She spent all night last night in her room not talking to anyone and she is still the same way this morning. I think that most of it is the fact that I found out she was still speaking to him.
I guess my problem is when I read his one e-mail to her and him saying that he really doesn't want her to go into the Coast Guard, and if he could stop her, he would, but yet, it's ok for him to keep pursuing his dreams. I just wish he would go away permanently. I don't want to see her ruin her life and throw it away for a man.

Bahrain, I think you may be giving her reasons not to trust you. If she is eighteen I don't think there is a need to be reading her emails unless you think she's done something illegal. If she were on drugs and you needed to see what was going on maybe.

She is old enough to make decisions and I think it is better to make sure you are not applying to much pressure to her and perhaps sending her to him if she gets annoyed with you.

I'm sorry it is not working out as planned, but you're lucky she is still home. It doesn't matter what he says in an email. It is what she feels.

Unfortunately if something you say ends up being something in one of those emails you may lose her to him because she will feel she has no one to trust.

Hi Violette. Yes, she changed her e-mail passcode the other night and she told me and I was fine with that. She and I talked and she really has no interest in him anymore except strictly friends. The good news is that we are moving out of this village officially at the end of May and moving to a different place altogether so I won't have to worry about him anymore.
Yes, I am lucky that she is still at home. She really is a good kid. I guess I just need to have more faith in her.

Bahrain - it doesn't have to be an either-or situation. Lots of guys move to be with their girls. What if she joined the coast guard and he moved to get a job near her? And they both were really happy as a result?