BellaOnline Forums Relationships Marriage Need Help

First let me say that I am a regualr poster here at Bella, but have signed up for a new name in order to remain anonymous for this post.

I am having some trouble and would like your help. I have been married over 20 years. Our relationship like most has had ups and downs personally, physicallly, and financially. My DH is basically a good man. He does go through phases where he drinks too much and he has an awful temper. He has never hurt me or the kids, but has come close. He will go weeks being fine, then it's like he turns on a dime and is this nasty, cranky, lazy person I don't even know. He has broken many things in our house from walls to chairs to chandeliers. This problem has been going on for basically the last 5 years or so. There have been times where I have just wanted to leave. I am writing this to give you history to bring us to where we are now. Also, he basically does what he wants and makes most of our family decisions whether I agree or not. (basically it is easier to agree) There have been things I have tried to put my foot down with where the kids are concerned, but he has over ruled them.
Also, for "safety reasons" I am not allowed to go places by myself, like the mall or whatever. The last few weeks have been calm weeks (that is what I now call them)

Recently, I have developed an attraction to some one I have known several years. The attraction is mutual, and he is also married, but not happily. (I know this is a fact because I know both of them). We have not acted on anything yet, but the attraction is strong. We are polar opposites of each other's spouses. Neither of us knows what to do, because we don't want to hurt our families, but want to be together.

There is a sense of right and wrong, we realize that. I keep questioning why I would stay in a marriage that has left me bored, angry, and resentful. I almost wish he would give me a really good excuse to leave. Then I think of how sad he would be, and feel bad for him.

If you can give me some of your opinions I would appreciate it. Although if you are going to bash me, I would rather you didn't. I am hurting and confused right now.

Payton-
I'm sorry you're going through this right now. A few things here shoot up red flags. Your husband's behavior may not have gotten physically abusive (yet) but he's being domineering and controlling. Unless you live in a war zone, I can't imagine that not letting you out of the house alone is acceptable. As for the other guy - please don't do anything or even get any more emotionally involved. Your husband has given you a reason to get out if you choose - he's controlling and manipulative and needs anger management counseling - breaking things is not how healthy adults deal with anger. The two of you could probably also try counseling if you decide it's worth it. But if not, please try to end one relationship before starting a new one. If guy #2 and you do end up together, you'll be much happier if you made a clean break before starting a relationship. I also suggest counseling for you on your own - you have a lot going on and you need someone to help you through it - for which a forum is not an adequate replacement.

I think there's an domestic violence board here on Bella - you may want to take a look there if you haven't already.

Good luck and stay safe.

Hi Payton, sounds like your hubby may have Bipolar 3 disorder - since you say the flare ups come up without warning. Do some checking on the web. It can be treated.

Also my advice with the 2nd fella is to end it with the 1st one before getting any further involved.

Thanks for the feedback ladies. I don't plan on getting any closer to Mr. #2 until I have resolved the other issues. I guess basically what I am wondering is, do I start trying to live for my own happiness, or do I continue as I am for the sake of my kids (all over the age of 13) who, by the way, have asked why I put up with some of the things he does. I once gave a friend advice to leave her husband because they were living separate lives, even living in separate bedrooms. I told her she was teaching her children that is what people who love each other do. But he is their father, and they do still love him, and I know at some point he will tell them we are getting separated because of them. He has already made comments to the fact that we would eventually be getting divorced because of them, and has threatened to leave so often, that they are no longer affected by the threats.

Susan - I did look up the bipolar thing, and I have already spoken with our doctor once about it, but with privacy laws, he just listened without really saying anything. I have also suggested that my husband seek therapy or something several times in the last 5 years.

Believe me, I am not perfect by any means, I think I am just afraid to leave because it will be hard and he will be hurt.

Hi Payton,
I totally hear you. I was in an abusive marriage very similar to yours for 17 long horrible years. I am now divorced for 5 wonderful years. I can tell you that divorce may be painful but at least it's a means to a happy ending. I am now a certified life coach, for what it is worth, and this is what I would like to offer up to you:

I understand your attraction to a man who shows you the positive attention you are starved for and deserve, and my heart goes out to you. However, you can't solve one problem by creating several more, and your children deserve a mother who is present and putting her efforts toward what is best for them. An affair is not the answer. What you've got to do is focus on what is best for you and your children in your home. Your husband clearly has serious emotional and possibly physiological issues. But these are his issues, not yours, so there is nothing you can do to diagnose him or "fix" him. He has got to be willing to step up to the plate and take responsibility for his actions. Staying in this relationship as it is, is eroding your sense of self and creating a horrific environment for your children. They are learning how to treat you as well as how to be treated in this marriage. Staying in this marriage the way it is for their sake is not doing them any favors - it is damaging them more every day. By allowing his ticking time-bomb behavior, you are also teaching him how to treat you and your children. You and your husband are teaching them how to have a marriage.

Here is a list of questions for you:
Do you love your husband? Why/not?
When you married him, is this the life you signed up for?
Do you want to stay married to him? Why/not?
Is he willing to go to marriage counseling? Are you?
Do you really believe that he will change for the better in a permanent way, so that you will get to trust him again?
Does your children's happiness depend on your misery?

The fact that you have reached out in this forum, and under an assumed name is so very telling. I am hearing you say that are feeling afraid and fragile. I believe that deep down you know you can't go on like this. Please put your right to a happy life with your children above and beyond all else. This is your opportunity to help heal yourself and your children. I believe that the best first step for you and your kids is beginning therapy, working toward a healthy life for everyone. Most insurances will pay for a licenced therapist.

Good luck, Payton. My thoughts are with you.

Shay

Payton,

One of my best friends was in your position -- only without children in the picture. She was trapped in a marriage of 8 years, with a husband that only allowed her to go out by herself to go to work, but that was it. She was woefully underpaid at her job, the "husband" got a small pension and just sat around all day at the apartment, did not socialize at all except surf and hit on women all day on the computer. If she was 5 minutes late, he would call her on the phone and wonder where she was. She could not go to the store alone, she could not do anything by herself.

I was her friend online for a long time before she confided the bad situation she was in. She went through a period of trying to make things work, but he was a control freak and never let go, even when forced. With my assistance, she was able to save some money, after which she moved out to her own apartment, and divorced him and his lecherous ways.

She had done everything to give him a chance to change. He didn't. He didn't want to. He had his chances. She went through pain, but in the end, after all, she was truly happy to be on her own, to go to church, to go out with friends, to be HERSELF and happy without being oppressed.

Two years later, she met a good friend at church who she married six months later, who is the best caring husband that she could imagine being with. I know what it is like to be on the other end, to listen and to give advice on what to do, as I've been there from the depths of her worst times to her most happy time when she got married.

So if you need a helpful hand, I can help if you so desire. I hate to see people suffer at the hands of another who is abusive.

hi Payton,

I'm basically just going to reiterate what some other people have said here, but here's my take...

These are two totally separate issues (or should be) and need to be handled that way.

I'm going to start with the 2nd one - because it is actually the simpler of the two. Stop with the married man. Even if he is unhappily married and having trouble - it is not fair to his wife to have another woman step in and make things worse. If he wants to file for divorce and then the two of you get together, that's something different. But while he is still married, leave it alone - it is only going to add to your problems if you have an angry, jealous wife coming after you.

As for your situation with your husband - if your children are picking up on this tension as well, and questioning the beahvior, then it is a lot worse outwardly than you realize. Your children will probably be happier, and definitely healthier emotionally without an explosive man in their lives.



These are not necessarily two separate statements! Seeing their mother happy and not afraid and living by tiptoeing through life will be better for your children.

I wish you all the luck, and please keep us updated on how you and your family are doing.

I am going to agree with the others -- it is a simmering pot, and you don't know when it will boil over. If you feel he might, in future, become abusive, he is already a controlling person, it is already a recipe for damaging your children. Staying will have them continue to learn that adults can behave that way and get away with it.

As others have suggested, bipolar jumped out at me, too. If your husband is willing to see a professional about it, great -- but my guess is he won't, or won't without another reason than it would be a good thing to do. I suggest you get your ducks lined in a row to get out of the house (or get him out) with the kids staying with you (or I would fear for them -- abusive husbands tend to treat their children, especially girls, poorly) and let him know that if he doesn't get help for his problem, that you (or he) will be gone from the house. If you feel your marriage is worth saving, let him know that this is a condition of marriage, that you are interested in a healthy marriage, and this is necessary for that, but you are only willing to work for that if he is, too.

In the meantime, stay away from other men, including married men. The last thing you need to do is muddy the waters, or give your husband fodder for anger, or nastier divorce proceedings, if that is the way it goes.

Remember, your husband has overruled you on issues concerning your children's welfare, by your own words. They are at risk with this man. I would strongly urge you to think what the best thing for them is, and go forth with whatever that is.

Best of luck -- let us know how things go.

Thank you all so much! I am going to look into getting therapy for me to start with. I have a feeling I am going to need strength that I don't have right now.

You are all right about starting another relationship. At this point we are only very good friends, and plan to keep it that way. He does give me and outside opinion and strength so I need to keep him as a friend. You see, sometimes I think I have made this happen to us because I let it happen and I don't even trust my own judgement anymore. I don't know if you guys can understand that.

Anyway, Shay is right, I know something has to change and I just need to figure out what it is that I want.

I will try to keep you updated. Thank you all again for your thoughts and kind words.

I do know that this is a statement very commonly made by abused spouses. Don't take on blame for something that is not your fault. Controlling and abusive spouses are very good at making the abused feel like they are the ones that caused everything... "If I just hadn't said that", "If I had dinner done on time"... things like that. And that's when it gets really hard to work things out, because you're taking on HIS guilt as well as your own (and everyone does something wrong ina marriage - we're all human).

So let him be responsible for his mood swings, and violence - and you just be responsible for you and your kids.

Take care