BellaOnline Forums Relationships Married No Kids We didn't have time to think about it...

Very, very well said, Duane!
Yes, we are programmed from birth to want kids. Maybe not so much today as back in my generation. And it does take a lot of will-power and self-knowledge to overcome the programming. But it can certainly be done.

Was I pitied? I don't know - if so, no one ever said anything to my face. Was I accepted? No, not really but then I never really sought acceptance either....a different drummer was always calling me to the path less followed.

Agreed Duane -- I would most certainly rather be content and pitied than accepted and miserable. I've always been one to go my own direction and not worry about acceptance anyway, so why start now?

As for it being harder to make the decision to have children the longer you wait -- yes, I would say that is true...the longer we wait, the farther along in our career we are and hence, the more luxuries we become accustomed to. It is hard to let those go...my BFF had a hard time letting her luxuries go...she and her hubby waited 5 and a half years. Her theory was that if they waited, their marriage lasted, and they still wanted kids, then it was truely meant to be.

Sometimes it comes across in words, but I think the pity factor is held in by most people. It comes across in more subtle ways, like how people don't interact with you the same way afterwards (if they have to), or their facial expression turns sad briefly after you send them your message. For those who are truly accepting of your choice, it isn't a bump in the road at all, and then you can go on about your business.


I have always been of an independent mindset. If you "be the herd" and go places just because you are supposed to, are you really happy, unless you've thought about it? I don't think many people really, honestly do that. I have, so that is why I did go my own way. I'm happy now, and I'm not about to start not being happy for other people's sake.

Welcome Absurd Bird - you'll enjoy this Forum - so many interesting and intelligent people from all walks of life and a fair spread of ages.
If you look at the number of posts in this Forum you can see there is a real need being met here - a place to come and "talk" or "vent" to like minded people.
Hope to hear more of your story.

I am not sure about whether it becomes harder to make the leap to parenthood once you're older. It seems like so many more people keep having children older, and then more children!

For me, I was seriously on the fence about it up until now, where at 38 I'm realizing what that really means. I always thought at some point my life would get to the point where either a) I'd really want to have a child more than anything else, or b) I'd just end up with a child somehow, and my work situation would open up and make it all work out.

None of that has happened. What has happened is I've realized that I'm the same person I always was, at 10, 20, 30 and 38. No change at all. No blinding hormonal urges.

The only thing I'm still left dealing with is the fall-out, and accepting that life doesn't always turn out as you expect.

Whenever I hear people say "I plan to have a baby at age___" I just wonder why everyone considers it such a given, when it's so risky and so many people have miscarriages, infertility, or special needs children (or become special needs themselves after having children)? It seems very innocent and naive, and sets people up for so many disappointments, or having to settle and marry someone they do not love in order to make their deadlines. Ik!!

Okay, excuse me, I just needed an unfocused rant. Yes, this forum does meet a need!!

My aunt grew up in a remote village in southern Europe in the 1980s and moved to the city when she got married. Her relatives and friends back in the village worried that she was infertile because 10 months had passed since the wedding and she was still not pregnant!!! I can imagine how much pressure her husband must have been getting to "do the job".

I guess we take the methods of birth control for granted these days. I have recently had a conversation with said aunt above and
mentioned that I was on birth control. Her response was, "isn't birth control for women who sleep with lots of men and don't want to get pregnant?" My aunt has a very backwards mentality and is uneducated so I couldn't start a whole conversation about the different methods of birth control and their effectiveness.

Some of you may laugh at my aunt's backward thinking, but I must say that many people in the world today, even in western countries like the US, are not educated about birth control methods and pregnancy prevention. Don't even get me started on the very religious people who believe that birth control options are a sin. Furthermore, many people are not well educated about sex either. I know people who consider oral sex a sin or something that only whores engage in. And let's not even go into the area of homosexuality.
I had to convince my relatives that no, I am not a lesbian if I don't want to have kids and being a lesbian does not mean that you are infertile. By extension, their logic would imply that all infertile women are lesbians and all infertile men are gay.

If I ever ran for some sort of political office and won, I would implement sex education in schools.....especially in high schools. I remember learning the basics about a few sexually transmited diseases, but no one ever talked about choice and prevention and how varied human sexuality is. On top of that, the two teachers I had who taught us "Health class" were both pregnant at that time and couldn't even watch a video which showed an abortion.

AND, the people that had/have no access to contraception or sex education.
Condoms and other contraceptives were illegal in Ireland - in 1973 condoms were finally permitted into the country if they were for personal use. (This was after a woman challenged the confiscation of her condoms by authorities) People used to travel to the UK to buy condoms.
The only method of contraception available was withdrawal or the rhythm method, both unreliable.
One of my friends at University was Irish - she often talked about life being difficult for Irish women. A feminist group secretly distributed condoms to women with the greatest need - very poor with multiple children or with medical conditions that made pregnancy life threatening.
There is a movie set in Ireland in the 1930s/1940s, "Angela's Ashes"...a true story, really worth watching...poor, multiple kids and an alcoholic husband...what a nightmare...

Those conditions sound barbaric to me

Thank you for the welcome! My story is pretty basic: For a long time I sort of assumed I'd want kids at some point and it just didn't happen. I've never had the urge to get pregnant or the desire to have kids. I don't want a stroller, a house full of toys, or to never have a full night of sleep again. My husband is pretty ambivalent and we're happy with our lives, just the two of us (and our cats.) We are also very lucky in that we are friends with several childfree couples who live full and happy lives, so we didn't feel weird or alone in our decision.

My mother and my sister are not terribly happy with it but it's not up to them. My favorite answer when people ask why is this: "Well, I love New York City but that doesn't mean I want to live there. It's noisy, crowded and expensive...like having kids."

Hah! Glad to see another person who realizes the decision is YOURS , and not every other person on the planet's. :P